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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is this 'the clingy phase'?

14 replies

K7 · 18/04/2006 22:22

My 8-month-old has always been pretty happy and sociable. Since she was 6 months, she's been going to nursery three days a week, and there's never been a problem. Suddenly over Easter she's got very clingy. If I try to put her down to make her breakfast, she howls. If I leave the room, she really gets upset. At first I thought it was because she had a slight cold, but it went on for a few days. Today after she's been to nursery, the staff said they'd had exactly the same thing. She'd been really teary each time she's put down. As they've got four other babies in the room with her, she can't be held all day - and that wouldn't be a good thing anyway, obviously. They've told me they had to let her cry a bit. Tonight my parents have come over - she adores them. She's been quite happy for a while with them, but then I can see her suddenly remember I'm there and she gets all upset, wanting me to take her. Is this the clingy phase I've heard so much about? It's really sad and upsetting me a bit. I keep wondering whether it's the after-shock of being put in nursery...

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operababe · 19/04/2006 15:58

My 11 month old DD started being clingy at about 8 months - perfectly normal happy sociable babe too. Couldn't even go and make a cup of tea without all hell breaking loose. I think it just happens. Some days she still won't let me do anything, others she's fine. If she's teething she's more clingy bless her, but I guess I would be if my gums were killing me!
Can't really comment on the nursery bit 'cos I'm only just about to go back to work and am "settling her in" with a childminder at the moment. From talking to friends it takes a while for some babes to realise that this going to the nursery thing is going to carry on! Several of their babes were fine and then went through a more unsettled time - but it passed. Hang on in there.

operababe · 19/04/2006 15:59

operababe · 19/04/2006 16:00

Sorry, got a bit over excited and posted that twice. Doh.

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 19/04/2006 16:05

My 16 month old started the clingy thing a few months ago. She's never been put in nursery and only on the very rare occasion been left with my sister while we go out. I don't think the nursery thing has anything to do with it so don't feel guilty about that!!!

DD is also more clingy when she's teething. When I leave the room she acts like I'm never coming back-it's perfectly normal!!! I registered with Pampers and they send you a regular email telling you what to expect in the coming months-it really puts your mind at ease that all this stuff is 100% NORMAL!!!!

kasdie · 19/04/2006 16:52

my dd is 8 months and every time we go to someones house people we no and people we dont she starts crying and looking for me she wants me all the time i thought it was just my dd she does it to everyone even my sis that we see every day any suggestion or is it just a phrase?

whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday · 19/04/2006 16:55

Find something to distract her attention from you. Teletubbies does the trick for me. If I have something important to do I just stick it on and let her get on with it.

Either that, or a plate of celery and carrot sticks does it for my dd!!!

bramblina · 19/04/2006 17:01

Aparently the clingy phase does come around 8m, it's another part of their brain that develops so it's something they have to go through, though some don't suffer as much. If you leave the room try to come back in every 30 secs or whatever is poss, or talk as you walk away and constantly from the other room so she knows you are there. I have heard of introducing a familiar object, have it with you both all the time then leave it with her as you leave the room, kind of like an association. Explain that you are coming back to get it. She may get a bit of comfort from it?

operababe · 19/04/2006 17:11

I talk to DD when I'm out the room. Try turning it in to a game of peek-a-boo. I look round the door and play - sometimes does the trick.

tribpot · 19/04/2006 17:14

Certainly not the after-shock of nursery, perfectly normal. I thought my ds was so bad because he hadn't been in nursery (notice how we mummies can find a way of blaming ourselves regardless of what we do!) but my SIL's two were exactly the same, and by my ds' age, they were in nursery for 50 hours a week.

My ds only does it to me too, never his dad even though dh is a SAHD and does as much childcare as I do. Bizarre. And highly annoying!

Sparklemagic · 19/04/2006 17:33

no, don't have guilt that it's to do with nursery - they all do it I think. My DS got clingy at 9 months so very similar age....

I thought I'd post because it became a bit of a family issue for me - my MIL and SIL thought I was over-involved with him, because my view with babies is give them what they want, if it's not going to harm them! So if he wanted to cling to me - fine. I felt the way to stop the clinginess was to let him know that I was there for him and he could always have my attention. If he wanted I would let him crawl round my ankles when I was on the loo, or putting the washing in....and if he really cried because he didn't want to be held by other people, I would take him and comfort him myself.

I know my MIL and SIL felt I was MAKING him clingy, but I felt strongly that this was the way to build his confidence.

And I feel it worked, DS is now 3 and not at all clingy. I think he would have come out of this phase whether I took this approach or took the other approach my in-laws favoured (SIL would just hand baby over and do what she wanted, letting them holler, as she felt this was teaching them there was no point clinging to mum as she had to go sometimes). However, I strongly feel that my son's general confidence is higher than SIL's kids....and I don't have to look back and remember his face contorted with crying, reaching out desperately to me, as I saw her kids do all the time!

So I guess I'm rambling and my point is, your DD will come out of this phase, it's nothing to do with nursery, and don't feel that you are making her clingy if you do want to pick her up or take her with you to the loo!!!

Original poster

K7 · 19/04/2006 19:06

Thanks for that, everyone. I had a friend round today with a baby the same age who doesn't have to go to nursery and her baby isn't clingy at all, so started thinking it was all my fault. And, as my mother helpfully pointed out when I mentioned it, 'You do leave her a few days so it's only to be expected...' Feel happier thinking other home-babies have this stage too. I've mixed it between letting her cry for a few minutes while I shove the washing on, and just picking her up and carrying her round. The funny side of it is DH is a bit miffed that she's not clinging to him. This morning he said goodbye as she was in her highchair and pinched a bit of her toast at the same time. By the time he reached the kitchen door, she was howling so he came back to explain he had to go to work, until I pointed out it was pinching her toast that had upset her. When he put it back, she calmed down. Thanks for the tips, though. Feel a bit more confident about it now!

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fsmail · 19/04/2006 20:52

My ds only just started not to be clingy at 5 and my 20 month old dd still clingy. It's very difficult expecially when my DH went to get her up this morning and she shouted no, mamma!

bumbleweed · 20/04/2006 19:02

Hi K7, I'm reading your thread with interest, as dd is 6 months and just starting to get a touch clingy. She fusses for me if her gran or other relatives hold her for more than a few minutes.

I'm totally with sparklemagic it terms of my approach and my MIL has started making similar comments such as 'well she'll have to learn she cant always get what she wants' (true but not at 6 months!!) and 'ooh she's a little madam isnt she' (hmmm no just a little baby!).

Sounds like you are doing fine and totally natural to be worried. My dd will be going to nursery too but not till she's 12months, and I'm dreading the separation too!

ntt · 20/04/2006 19:14

My nearly 10mo is exactly the same, it started at just over 7 months (I'm a sahm) - my HV says it's called separation anxiety. I entirely agree with Sparklemagic, I believe in indulging his clinginess to help him build up a deep seated sense of security. But I'm sure some (ie my in laws) would heartily disagree.

When does it end??

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