Ok I've messed up, how do I fix it?

[peanutMD]

My 6.6yo DS is literally driving DP and I mad but its not a new thing he is at times (probably 80% of the time) one if the most demanding, spoilt and whiney children I have ever come across and given the fact that I have worked in ASC and daycare for the last 10 years this is definately not good.

I totally put my hands up and admit that yes we given him as much as we possibly can in terms of attention and sometimes material items but I do know far worse who behave much better. We tried to go down the fun parent with structure and without physical discipline but I think this is part pood the issue, my DP was brought up in a family where smacking and shouting were the norm but I was the opposite and as such we have differing views and DS knows this and plays us.

For the part few days we have been removing toys we know he likes but tbh it only causes more arguments rather than making him think about the consequences.

Everytime we tell him no we are called 'meanies', he grits his teeth and breatgs through them running towards us as if to hit but stops dead about 2 steps away and tells us this is what we get

Sorry I'm on my phone and posted to early.

and he will shot and argue his point for hours if he feels the need. This morning e have had a 90 minute tantrum because I refused to pour him a drink (he is capable of doing so) from the jug of squash in the fridge into the cups which we leave out for him to help himself! Which then resulted in him having his new DS taken away and of course another raging bull act from him!

Now I am ashamed to say that I did lose my temper and smacked him round the back of the head, not hard just to get him to snap out of it, and I know this was wrong but he is as I say driving me mad :(

I just feel like we've done a miserable job bringing him up for him to be like this and I need out to stop as I am 31 Weeks pregnant but mostly I because I feel like I an actually staying to dread having to spend time with my little boy :(

I just really need some help and advice to know that we can improve this.

Guess that was a bit long winded for anyone to read :(

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but I didn't want to read and run. I'm sure some helpful MNers will be along, but the boards can be a wee bit quiet during the day at the w/e so it might take a while.

I think you need to brace yourself for the fact it is going to get worse before it gets better. It will take him a while to adjust to the new methods you are using, and he will try to push you to see if you really mean it.

I think you need to carry on with it, present a united front, and don't argue with him. You tell him how it is going to be, and that's it, don't get drawn in after that. If he wants to have a tantrum, ignore it! Eventually I think things will improve, but it could take a while.

Nope! Not too long.

Ok. First and foremost remember that you and DP are the adults here. If you think that DS is spoilt and acting aggressively are those behaviours he exhibits at school too or are they solely reserved for mummy and daddy?

Perhaps have a chat with DP and come up with a "strict" plan for DS. Strict doesn't have to mean mean, to me it means clearly defined unrelenting boundaries with clearly defined consequences for actions. DS is old enough to understand so when he is calm, explain them to him. Write them up and put them on a wall (print them off so when he tears them down you have them on your computer ready to print again)

My preference os to ignore the bad, only say that it's not appropriate/dangerous/remove if necessary and acknowledge the good but that's sometimes impossible when they don't appreciate the inevitable consequences of misbehaving.

Re smacking. It was the norm in my home growing up too. I have never smacked but I'm not against it but I would NEVER smack or hit the head. It's just too dangerous. What was the reaction to being hit?

Oh and I agree. NEVER negotiate or argue with a child.

Thank you for the replies :)

Notinmylife - in my head I know it has to get worse before it can get better and TBH I dread it but its the only way to change it, for DS and for us.

Think the hardest thing will be not arguing back with him, I've always known that its rediculous to argue with a child but when he just gets wound up it seems impossible not too.

Ribena - DP and I are going to have a chat tonight abut how to deal with it without him losing his temper and me getting stressed so hopefully we can sort it out in the long run.

He acts up when he's with family and had been known to do so at school but not to the same extent so its definately something we are doing!

I was thinking of sitting down with DS and agreeing about appropriate behaviour and setting rules but I don't know if this would give him more ammo than just being told this is how it is.

I know that smacking him, especially on the head is not going to solve anything but I just felt I had to add that part because it shows me how far my tolerance has been pushed.I an certainly not proud of it.

As I said it was more of a swipe than a smack tbh so he just stopped shouting and looked at me fir a second then began shouting "oi don't do that you'll hurt me!". It took so much for me not to grab him for a hug and apologise but what would that have achieved?

I don't think there would be any harm in sitting down with your DS and discussing the rules, but I would have the chat with DH first so you know what rules are non negotiable, and what is up for discussion. I would keep it fairly simple though so he can easily remember them.

As far as arguing, when you feel you are getting sucked in, I would try saying, "I am not going to argue with you, we can discuss it when you have calmed down" then walk away. He is old enough to be left in a room on his own, until he is ready to talk sensibly.

I wouldn't beat yourself up though about the fact he does it more with you. I think most children behave worst where they feel safest. That"s where they can push the boundaries but know they will still be loved regardless.

Good luck, hopefully you will all end up happier and more relaxed in the long run!

Agree with the other posters. Clear rules, clear consequences, no discussion. If he wants to tantrum, let him tantrum. Don't beat yourself up over losing it with him, but try to stay calm in future. You are the grown up, you can control your emotions and you need to demonstrate to him how to do that!

(I'm saying this as someone who is working very hard at becoming better at keeping my temper with DD!)

Reward system for good behaviour can help too. Good luck, be strong!

My DD1 went through a horrid stage when she was about 7.

We sat her down and developed a reward chart with her. It had a list of things that she could do to earn stickers, and a list of prohibited behaviours. For both, we outlined what the consequences of the behaviour would be - the rewards and the punishments. As it had rewards and opportunities for her to see, we found that really helped.

With the poor behaviour, we grouped them into minor and major sins, if you like. A minor sin got a warning and a sad face. Three sad faces was a black cross and a punishment. A major 'sin' was a black cross and an automatic punishment. These were listed, so she knew what they meant.

Like your son, DD can have major tantrums where she gets angry and loses control of herself. When she does that, we sent her to her room. At first, she refused to go / stay there and had to be carried at times. But now, when she knows she is losing control she takes herself to her room until she calms down.

The main thing I would say is to sitdown with your dh and discuss what you want your son to do / be like in the long term (eg you expect him to clear his plate after eating or whatever) and then build this into your rules and rewards. Your son is old enough at 6 for you to both sit down with him and say these are the rules from now on. We did it, and haven't looked back... (although I'm making my DD sound awful, she wasn't awful and 90% of the time she was lovely, but she did get into horrid moods!)

My aunt have been spoiling her son for years, since her husband died, trying to make up for the loss of his father. I am afraid that now he is the most horrible boy (16 years old) that i had ever seen, ever. Try to be firm and not to give in into his way, dont give him everything you can as you will be sorry later. Not much advice, but just to warn you, as I feel for everyone with such a child.

Watch a few super nannies!!
It is not too late but you will have to be firm.

One bit of advice, never make a threat that you are not prepared to carry out.

Good luck

1. Go and read 1-2-3 Magic
2. Do what it says in the book and keep doing it.

The 1-2-3 part is easy, but the Magic part (no discussion + no emotional escalation) is really hard!

My dd is only tiny so no 'parent' experience but I teach this age group in a very challenging school. I have found that repeating the same phase helps me not argue, i.e. 'I wouldn't pour you a drink because you are old enough yourself' or 'I have taken your DS because you charged at me like a bull' and just keep saying exactly the same words for every argument. Otherwise a simple 'I am not discussing/arguing about this with you' often works well. They give up in the end (expect mimicking sometimes) and it becomes shorter each time once they realise thats all they're getting.

I'm a bit old-fashioned on this, you and your DH are the adults here. I think part of the problem here is that the tail is wagging the dog.

Decide with your DH what standards of behaviour you would like to see and what rewards and sanctions you are prepared to use to achieve them. You the both sit down and tell your son what is expected, do not negotiate and, although it will be hard you and DH must stick together and reward/enforce things. It will not take longbut may be a bumpy ride.

time out in a quiet room - 7 mins. And repeat as often as needed.

How about finding a parenting book and reading it together with your DH? Then agree on what to do together. I like Incredible Years because it?s brisk and no-nonsense so with any luck your DH will appreciate it, and it has a good mix of discipline and child-centered, with reasonable explanations for why they work. (Or there are plenty of other good books if that one doesn?t appeal.)