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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Feel awful about ds

8 replies

Mum2boy · 12/01/2004 05:10

Ds (3.6) was acting up quite a lot yesterday, generally not doing what he was told, throwing his toys across the room and not picking them up when I asked him to, etc... and after he slammed my pantry door in the kitchen and some of my spice bottles fell on the floor and broke, I yelled at him. In fact I yelled at him several times during the day because I was finding it so tedious, it was like he was purposely pushing my buttons. His grandparents had been staying for a few days and he tends to get a bit spoilt by them, so perhaps some of the behaviour was brought on by them leaving.. I don't know.

When he woke up after his nap he seemed cranky and not his usual happy himself, so I asked him what was wrong. He said "I'm scared of Mummy." I asked him why he felt scared, he couldn't tell me except he repeated that he felt scared of me. I feel absolutely dreadful about hearing this, I don't know much he really means it but I tried to explain that Mummy was only yelling because he was being naughty and it made me upset, but that I still loved him. I can't forget about it and now I'm scared to do anything that will make him feel that way. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Feeling very sad and remorseful about it

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Lorien · 12/01/2004 08:31

Morning Mum2boy,

Don't stress out too much. We all have days when our kids just push too far (I'm just back from trying out a new kindergarten for ds1, which was in a shopping centre (we live in Malaysia) and ds1 ran off down an escalator because he didn't want to put his shoes on. I had to leave ds2 in his pushchair screaming with someone I had just met, and run down the escalator after ds1. And I ended up chasing him all the way along the precinct and getting very very cross and shouting lots.)
Anyway apart from escalator antics, ds1 (3 years 2 months) often tries the "I'm scared" routine. I think its pretty normal (well, my friends' children do it too....) Most frequently he does the "I'm scared of the lion/mummy/daddy/birds/planes..." infact as far as I can see, it is whatever was just on his mind. And it normally comes when he anticiaptes that something he doesn't want to happen is imminent. Like bedtime.
I haven't had the exact situation you describe, and other mumsnetters will probably have better advice, but I would really not worry too much.

handlemecarefully · 12/01/2004 09:17

Mum2boy,

The canny wee lad is not really scared of mummy - he's pushing another button, the 'make mummy feel guilty about shouting at me button'. Clever boy!

twiglett · 12/01/2004 10:42

message withdrawn

honeybunny · 12/01/2004 13:07

It seems the older they get the more and more manipulative they become. Ds1 (3.2yr)is an expert at pushing all my wrong buttons. Only last week I found him and ds2(21mo) with a pot of my expensive face mask, plastered all over them, the bathroom, landing(just new ... arghhhh) and spare room carpets. I must have shouted continuously for some minutes afterwards as I showered them both and cleaned floors. In fact I inwardly fumed until dh came home several hours later. ds1 says that he "doesnt like mummy when she shouts" so we have a chat why I do and when I do and he promises and generally succeeds in being a good boy for the rest of the day. I do feel guilty.... lots! Especially with ds2 as I know he's copying ds1 and probably doesnt really know whats going on. But then after a bad spell we turn a corner and we're all friends again and happy. Isn't parenting all swings and round-abouts? Dont beat yourself up too much Mum2boy.

kmg1 · 12/01/2004 13:49

I think sometimes we can scare our kids. I don't think they are necessarily 'pushing our buttons'.

Mum2boy - it is great that he can recognise and articulate his feelings about this in this way, rather than just kicking off about it. I don't think you need to beat yourself up about it though.

It would be good to keep talking about it ... a fantastic book I would recommend to get hold of or borrow from the library is Joanna Harrison's When mum turned into a monster It's a lovely picture book, and relates the story of a stressed mum who grows a long tail, and monster claws, etc., when her kids behave badly and thoughtlessly.

HTH

aloha · 12/01/2004 14:17

I don't believe in 'pushing your buttons' really. I don't think toddlers are that good at understanding the way other people think. I think they do what pleases them and sometimes that pisses you off. But I do not believe it is cunning or manipulative. You probably all think I'm really naive, but I just don't think three year olds are that sophisticated. It's still all 'me me me' at that age IMO.
I know my ds is scared if I shout so I try very hard not to do it. He's very sensitive to mood and if I get impatient while trying to hide it he says "Are you cross mummy?"

honeybunny · 12/01/2004 19:52

kmg1- we tried that book, but ds1 says "I don't like that one mummy, its a bit scary!" Just the fact that its got "monster" in the title!!! Perhaps he's not quite old enough to "get it" yet

misdee · 12/01/2004 21:02

i'm always a monster to my kids. they hide from me, with dd1 shouting 'RUN AWAY FROM THE MUMMY MONSTER' to dd2.

dd1 has been very trying the last few days, but in the last few weeksn we have moved house and are getting resettled so amexpecting her behaviour to get to me, as i'm stressing bout all the work i need to do when there isnt enough hours in the day.

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