babies - when does it get easier? :(

[ThreeWheelsGood]

Baby is 9 weeks old. I'm ebf on demand. I'm tired all the time. After a 5 day labour in October I haven't had a decent stretch of sleep, I'm obsessed with counting the hours. my mum had helped out a lot but can't always be here, DP works long hours but is amazing when he's home. All I do all day is think about feeding, feed, change nappies, occasionally clear up sick.we had a hard time getting started with breastfeeding so I think it's given me a complex. baby is cute and babbles but I don't feel very bonded, I'm not sure how I'm meant to feel, it's just all hard work at the moment. when does it get more fun? I don't think I'm depressed but I'm glum right now (been alone all day).

It DOES get easier I promise you!!!! It just with sleep deprivation and recovering from labour and all the demands it can be hard to see!!!
The first 3 months are by far the toughest!!! When I had my LO, we were knocked for six!! I remember very clearly thinking regularly "what have we done, why did I want a baby!" but eventually you get yourself into a routine and it does get easier. They begin to sleep more....
Each stage has its challenges but none more so than the first 3 months!!
I also think breast feeding is hard going!! It really takes it out of you....
Hang in there, there is light and it will become a joy!! x x

The second 6 weeks are actually harder than the first 6 weeks, no-one tells you that.

By 3 months it gets easier, the change is gradual. By 6 months you should be happy again. I know the feeling, not depressed but glum. Babies are hard work.

It really does get better but, yes, the first few months can be incredibly hard. I struggled even without bf, it was all so exhausting and monotonous and at such a young age a baby doesn't give anything back, really. It's incredibly normal to feel how you do. 'Glum' is a great word for it. I also had a baby without family close by and with a DP who worked long shifts and spent a long time alone. I know how you feel. I felt miserable as sin a lot of the time.

Have you started exploring baby groups yet? The one thing that helped me was getting out and about and slowly making new friends. All the 'mum' sites (not naming any other ones ) have local boards and message boards and you can start to make contact with other mums. I've always found SureStart centres very friendly too. I used to absolutely dread days when I had nothing to do, so on those days I'd honestly split my shopping into about three attempts so I was out of the house several times a day!

But mainly, I just wanted to say don't worry. How you're feeling is totally normal. Every milestone you read about seems miles away but before you know it your baby will be smiling and giggling and interacting and then in the blink of an eye they're running around the house trashing everything and things just get more, well, fun.

Good luck. And come back on here to whinge whenever you need to!

Total sympathy: am expecting #2 in April and a bit worried about the newborn stress.
My big tip is get out every day. Try looking up your local NCT group online snd go to the coffee mornings - you don't have to be a member where I am. They often have a lical activities list too. See if there are mums groups at library/church halls/anywhere. .
Then go along and share stories of exhaustion and poonamis etc.
Meant I felt human but was amongst similarly shell shocked women.
And walking out and about made my DD sleep in her buggy and st least made me feel a bit more like I'd seen the world and wasn't just locked inside.
I found doing swimming lessons (Waterbabies) great for bonding too as it meant she could do something a little bit independently snd it was good to see her achieve things (obvs v v small things but just made me v happy and proud of her). Made good friends there, also at mummy bootcamp snd at baby weighing clinic. I just never turned down an invitation until I had enough friends!
DD was a September birthday which I was really pleased about but I do now think that autumn babies are tough in that you have six months of cold snd darkness for night feeds etc.
Anyway big sympathy and This Too Shall Pass (did find that a useful mantra and planning on reusing it- all being well for #2).

YY to Nelly's comments. So much more fun when they are bigger. Also for me, life greatly greatly improved when she started sleeping through- six months. Changed our lives. Good Luck!!

with DC1 I lived the first 18 months in a sort of sleep deprivation mist. I loved / love her very much but I was a wreck.

with DC2 I had learned a lot and even though he did not sleep either until 18/24month old at least, I have managed much better. First of all I had learned that every difficult phase (teething, sickness, seperation anxiety etc) passes. Second of all that other people's "good advices" should not be taken into account (just listen and nod then let it flow over you) and Third, that there are no rules as to where you or baby has to sleep AS LONG AS YOU CAN GET any sleep. You just have to get into survival mode in that first year.

now waiting for DC3....

OP this isn't how your life will be from now on, it is a short phase that feels like an eternity at the time, but it does pass and it gets SOOO much better! The first few months are so monotomous and wearing! then they start doing stuff - sitting up by themselves and moving and playing and eating... then it just gets better and better with some blips and dips, but it's mostly better, there's more interraction

honestly?

IME, everything transforms when they sleep through the night (i.e. 10 - 7)

for me this was when my babies were around 6/7 months

it is relentless and the feeding - some days you are pinned to the sofa ( I EBF)

i think getting out and about is a good idea - it's company for you and gives you a bit of structure

So go to bed, and stay there until you have got enough sleep. Then get up, do a few things(include a short walk for vit D and fitness) and go to bed again.

Take baby with you.

I would also agree with getting out of the house each day. I either have a class to go to, or I go on strategic shopping trips on days where I don't have an activity. My DP also works very long hours and I found this quite difficult in the first few weeks when he went back to work. I would definitely recommend getting family round (if you get on with them of course) - my mum came to stay for a week which was great. My PILs also come round about once a week which is nice.

It is a lot easier when there is more daylight and better weather. I was lucky that my baby was born in July so I could go out easily every day. Winter is difficult but I still go out even if it's tipping it down otherwise I get stir crazy!

From 12 weeks onwards it becomes more enjoyable as your baby can do more and more and you get more interaction/feedback from them. If you can find a couple of mums that you get on with, with similar age babies, you can get together at each others houses and have coffee and cake! One baby will usually be asleep or happy playing, and then the "spare" mum can hold yours!

Don't worry about not feeling bonded with your baby. They are a completely new person and you are learning about each other as you go along. It will come to you, honestly, but it comes along at different times for different people.

HTH

I didn't really feel bonded with DD until she was quite big... And it got a lot easier when she turned 12 months and I could finally leave her (she didn't really take to solids until quite late and I bf on demand til she was properly on solids, probably around 11 months). She started sleeping at 12 months (although it was a bit intermittent and still is tbh - she's 2.5 now).

You might find the sleep improves (possibly temporarily though) around the next week or two. DD started doing longer stretches at night at 10 weeks, although this only lasted til 16 weeks. But it was enough to give me a bit of health & strength back!

It is hard. This is the worst bit. As others have said, get out every day. Get a timetable from the children's centre or find out about playgroups or coffee groups or whatever and just go. Some will be friendly, some may not - keep going to the ones you enjoy. Try baby swimming, baby sensory, baby massage, breastfeeding support group, baby clinic - anything to give you a time when you need to get somewhere. I found it very difficult being alone all day and having no sense of time or purpose, but it was a whole lot more fun when I started going out and meeting other people and having someone to do stuff with.

Get out of the house and have a conversation with another adult every day, and see if you don't feel a bit better in a week.

thank you everyone, I'm blubbing a bit now. I haven't found the energy for mummy baby groups yet but I will definitely make the effort to do it come January. I'm a bit nervous though as a lot of the mums round here seem older than me.

StarOfLightMcKings3 it's not that easy - I've only been able to go back to bed when someone else is with the baby. when she is awake she demands attention so I can't just go back to sleep.

Oh, I also wanted to add that for sleep deprivation on a non-work night (for me this is Friday or Sat night), after you have fed the baby go to bed. Leave your partner to look after the baby until they next need to feed. You should be able to get 2 or 3 hours uninterrupted sleep. Then the next morning, do the same e.g. Feed the baby at say 6am, partner takes the baby downstairs and you get another 2 or 3 hours. I find this takes the edge off the sleep deprivation enough that I can cope with it.

You do seem to eventually adjust to feeling ok on this kind of broken sleep, believe it or not! And I really liked my sleep and my lie ins pre baby!

' I've only been able to go back to bed when someone else is with the baby'

Why?

Can you sleep with the baby in the bed, lyingdown? Push the cot up against the side of your bed with you on one side of the bed and the baby on the other.

Can you go to bed the second your dh gets in?

The first few months are just hard graft. I live by the mantra "it is just a phase". Do what you can, when you can. Take any offers of help. I used to go for a walk with 2 other mummies each morning and a group of us met with our babies every wednesday afternoon. You will get there, promise.

StarOfLightMcKings3 - I sleep when she sleeps In the morning and get up late, but when she is awake she wouldn't just lie there and let me sleep - she's quite alert and jolly and bleats for attention. I do try and sleep for a bit early evening when DP gets home, but this tends to be when she cluster feeds.

It is tough. But it does get better.

I am near 7 months and just starting to enjoy it.

Many people, lovely and well meaning though they are, don't seem to remember how hard it really is. I think there is amnesia about it! Or else they had easy peasy babies.
I remember almost throwing my ipad across the room when i came on mumsnet for a -cry- moan and had responses such as "just enjoy the cuddles it goes so fast" and "what happened to leaving them to gristle for 10 mins?"

It will get easier

'she's quite alert and jolly and bleats for attention.'

You have my sympathy. My own 6 month old has a daily party-time which is cute but not especially convenient.

You just gotta concentrate on 'surviving'. I'm on my 3rd now and all illusions of being the 'perfect' mother are long gone. I have spent many days in my pjs, got a tide mark on my neck once from sloppy showers and have even breastfed on the toilet.

It doesn't last long, and you'll be on your next challenge shortly. Enjoy as much of it as you can and know that you got through last week somehow so you'll get through the next.

As a friend of mine said, they learn to smile at the right time (it will be sometime around now) - just when the mother is well frazzled. I know you had issues with b'feeding to begin with (I had this complex with ds1 and I ended up mixed feeding and then going exclusively to bottle). However, they all grow up the same way either via breast or bottle. I suggest you try and give yourself a break by trying a bottle of formula occasionally in the evening. If you don't want to do this, then express some milk and hand baby over to someone else for a couple of hours. They always know who mum is and don't worry about it. Take care though - although you say u r only feeling glum, it can change to pnd if you don't give yourself a break from time to time....

Echo nelly blush. Try to get out if you can.need to try and get yourself a support network. Take bab out for a walk. Baby Bjorne r great!

It gets easier when they start sleeping earlier in the evenings as well - the cluster feeding 'I've got no evening and get no break and have to eat my dinner one-handed after it's gone bloody cold and can't even have 15 minutes' peace in the bath' phase will be over soon. That makes a big difference to how human you feel I think.

The baby group bit can be hard, it is easy to go to one and no one really talks to you and it is very dispiriting. But do try and go twice and see if you do like it. Paid classes are sometimes friendlier - DD adored the baby gym classes, even from a few months old, I felt silly taking her at about 4 months old but she actually got a lot out out it. However I did prefer meeting people on their own a first, and have made a few friends online, meeting one person for coffee is a lot less scary than walking in to a baby group.

Also, and I know I might be in a minority here, but I found a vague routine made me feel a lot more in control (by vague I mean very very rough times for naps and feeds) because I wasn't constantly surprised by everything. And a dreamfeed changed our lives. I really don't know how well that works with bf babies and whether an expressed bottle can help, but after the week or so it took DD to realise what was going on, it shifted her longer sleep from 8pm-1am to 11pm-4am, which made an entire world of difference to me.

thank you again everyone for these replies. I was in tears (exhausted, lonely, overwhelmed) earlier this week and came back to read over this thread, it's so reassuring! I really can't wait til baby is a little older so we can play and do things, and when she can entertain herself a little - it'll be so much resort than it is now!

*resort = easier! (autocorrect)

This too shall pass! It's so difficult, exhausting and isolating at the start. Not like all those ads you see of ecstatic models cradling their bundles of joy! Sleep when you can, get out every day even for half an hour and know that it does get easier. I found the first 18 months long but then it felt like someone pressed fast forward!

Oh, and fwiw I eb'd and it was tough. However, I'm so glad I did (not that anyone should feel bad if they don't!) and i privately feel so proud that I persevered. I actually missed it in the end.

((hugs)) because I know how tough it all is. Just focus on spring and the knowledge that days will get longer. And that you have a beautiful bundle who you will love forever x.