12 year old woes

[DaphneDoodleBug]

Ok, here goes. I've joined Mumsnet specifically because I have an issue with my 12yo. I am hoping there might be some sensible advice out there as I am at a bit of a loss.

He's my third child and the others are older. I've always thought myself an ok Mum! My third lives with me only part of the time and spends quite a lot of time at his Dad's which is about 40 miles away. He's always been very stubborn, even since he was a tiny child and would refuse to do anything until he knows he can do it - he didn't even walk till he was 16months and then that was it - he walked miles with total confidence. Just that's how he is.

He has recently had some issues with bullying - the school have been brilliant and dealt with it really well. He says so too. Problem is, he is so down on himself. He has always been on like that. He says hardly anyone likes him (clearly not true, kids are always waving and chatting to him), he says he doesn't like himself, that he is stupid.

I (and his Dad) have done all sorts to boost his confidence and he has been seeing the school nurse for chats to try to increase his confidence and self esteem.

Then he said once that he wanted to shoot himself - he said this at school and his friends were worried and told the teacher. They have been great, and I have an appointment for him to see a specialist nurse just to be safe.

Today we were playing a board game and he wanted to back out as he was going to lose. He really dug his heels in and I ended up getting cross with him. I went to cuddle him and he was crying that he hated himself and scratched his face and really screamed. We chatted about things and he was ok. He was really cheerful after we chatted and actually said the game we were playing was his favourite present.

He is fine now and running around before bed all full of beans.

I don't know what to do and I feel like the worst Mum in the world.

Sorry about that, Daphne. Must be horrible, and worrying. Do you know why he feels so bad about himself? What does he say about that?

He just says that he is always making mistakes (not at all true) and messing up and he doesn't want to try anything because he doesn't want to make a mistake. He's actually a bright boy and will join in stuff and is usually fairly cheerful and has friends but he always seems to look at the black side. If anyone asks him he'll say that no one likes him and that he has no friends and is stupid. It is really worrying. I'm not sure what I can do to make him feel better about himself.

I suspect he's got some faulty logic going that makes him feel worthless. The sort of thing CBT is very good at working thru and clearing up. That would be my first tactic, find him a CBT therapist to uncover & talk thru his faulty beliefs.

Does he know that ordinary people make mistakes all the time, that mistakes don't make a person worthless?

Would he be open to going to the GP and perhaps being referred to CAMHS? They might be able to help him more than a school nurse as its more their speciality , best to deal with it now especially as it sounds like he may start self harming . Good luck .

They say many very bright children often don't want to try something in case they make a mistake or 'fail'. Control is very important, so unless they can be sure of a positive result (that doesn't make them look daft or inept), they often don't want to try at all. It is safer to 'sit on the sidelines than to get on the field'.

I think you have to just keep talking to him - constantly. Tell him you love him for who he is, and not what he can do. Work hard to set him an example - laugh at yourself when you make a mistake, explain your own failings at small things (in a believable but exaggerated way) and how you move on (what you do when you burn the toast, get a parking ticket, forget an appointment, etc). Let him know everyone makes mistakes (again, highlight your own when they come up).

Maybe work on learning to do something together - something that is an acquired skill. You can start off as beginners (so, rubbish at whatever it is), and gradually improve through practise and repetition. Celebrate the progress you and he make, and talk about how far you've come. Talk about how ludicrous it would have been to expect to be good at something right away. Talk about how the older a person gets, the more complex and challenging it can be to master something - and how it takes sustained effort to acquire a skill. No immediate gratification.

Maybe search for examples of people who 'failed' at first but kept trying until eventually they had found success (inventors, politicians, composers, artists, authors, athletes - whoever he looks up to and admires).

Last idea: talk about the tortoise and the hare. Slow and steady wins the race. Keep plodding on, and you'll get there eventually. Talk about how being clever can get you only so far, but then hard work comes into the picture. Often those who are willing to work hard, surpass those who are blessed with big brains (but don't try and put in the hours).

End of today's lecture. . Hth. Good luck.

Thanks folks!!

He is going to see a CAMHS nurse in a few weeks. I think they are quite hot on CBT so hopefully they will help him to reframe things a bit. He certainly responds better to 'outsiders' talking through stuff with him. The school nurse has been great but I'm hoping the CAMHS nurse will have the specialism to work on the way he frames things.

I have done all sorts of stuff to try and help. We talk about failure as a way of learning -Eddison took about 700 goes before his lightbulb actually worked. Logically he knows this but he thinks failing will get him told off or make him look stupid. It's safer not to try.

In the summer he took part in a drama workshop. He didn't want to go on stage (too exposed) but he did all the sound effects. He was brilliant, got everything on cue, got a massive round of applause etc. he said after - it was ok but I nearly missed a cue. What happened is that they'd rehearsed it one way but in the performance it was happening a bit differently and he adapted what they'd rehearsed so it fitted in and the sound came at exactly the right time!! I explained how clever that was and how most 11yr olds wouldn't have been able to adapt that way and how brilliant that made him!! His take was that it was too close to failure and I won't do it again, thanks!!!

Thanks for your ideas. I'll try them out.

:))