Any ideas on how to deal with my angry 5 dd?

[EmmaH83]

Hello,

Just wanted some advice really. I have a dd who is 5-6 and a dd who is just 4. In march I Split up from their dad as we were all so unhappy and he is a very angry passive aggressive man and the household would get anxious when we knew he was coming home. Since the split my eldest is naughty whenever she comes home from his. When I ask her why she is naughty (nothing ever dramatic- backchat/mild rudeness) she will say that she can't be naughty round daddy as gets angry and scares her.

Whenever I tell her off she tells me she hates means that she wants her daddy and it upsets me. Last night she had the biggest tantrum when her friends were over and ended up staying in her room for most of it.

She says she hates school because she not as good as other kids (he will tell her that her friends are better behaved etc) he's not a bad dad he is just very misguided but will not listen to me because in his opinion I am useless and I do not meet all the needs of the children especially the educational ones.

I just want to make it better for her. Any suggestions?

Just lots of love, tlc and reassurance at your end I think, 4 and 6 are so hard to understand the situation and the emotion of it all, and very hard for you to explain. Also lots of fun, from discos in the kitchen to dvd's on the sofa, I think if she can view your home together (which she probably does already) as the safe and secure and loving home it will help.

Speak to your solicitor, a five year old shouldn't be spending time with an angry scary person how awful for her. You need legal advice

At that age it must be extremely hard on your daughter but it sounds like long term that being away from this man willl help you. Unfortunately though whilst in the short term, love and reassurance is needed to help your daughters feel secure, It will need to be nipped in the bud and you will have to tell your daughter what the rules are. At that age it is possible it could lead to more long term issues with behaviour if she thinks she can misbehave now her Dad is no longer there. It may put you in her bad books but You could be making a rod for your own back. Things need to be kept as normal as possible however hard that may be for you.

It's very common for children to take their anger out on the parent they spend most of their time with. In your daughters eyes he has already left the family ( regardless of who initiated the split), who is to say he won't leave her. You on the other hand are there for her and will be no matter how angry/ upset she gets, therefore she can take her frustrations out on you secure in the knowledge you will be there to look after her.
I would recommend looking into some family therapy for her and/or you. I have friends who have been through break ups and found this really useful. Some schools have their own counsellor, otherwise
your GP should be able to refer you.

I would talk to the school and see if they can suggest someone she can talk to or have counselling from eg. School link worker.

I would echo what everyone else has suggested.

I would also suggest keeping a diary, especially of her behaviour and what she says, both good and bad, and bad even when not linked to your ex. This could be useful evidence later if you need it.

I would also suggest you look at the other triggers for bad behaviour such as hunger/tiredness, also any dietary triggers (Orange Juice). 5 is a real trigger time for bad behaviour anyway.