I can't cope and need wise words-fast.

[ChoccoPuddo]

My beautiful 6 year old dd has become so challenging and violent towards me I just don't know what to do. She has always been very bright and a handful but never unmanageable. Last year things began to get worse. At home she is rude, nasty and defiant to the point where she laughs at me and taunts me. My husband is beginning to treat her with contempt which breaks my heart and hers. I have told him in no uncertain terms we are the adults she is the child and needs our love and understanding no matter how terrible her behaviour. He has had enough. I am the parent who copes on a daily basis not him and I will never give up trying to make her life better.

The trouble is I have run out of ideas and I feel beaten and broken and useless as a parent. Her rages are scary, quite often I don't even know what is wrong or I said something she didn't like, she thinks I am rude to her when I am not. It is as though she is living in a different world. On a good day she is her old self, happy, kind funny but these are becoming more and more rare. She snaps at anything I say, shouts and makes strange noises, squeak like sounds but so loud. If I ask her to do anything it is a battle. Sometimes she will listen,most often not. Getting ready to go somewhere has always been a trial but I learnt to deal with this early on by preparing the night before and getting ready earlier than necessary incase of meltdowns. The hitting and kicking is getting worse by the day.

We have two other children, one an adult now and one of 8 months who dd absolutely adores. Our adult child is worried about the defiance and behaviour and we are all agreed it began long before our last baby came along. If anything being near the baby seems to calm her down and she takes great pride in reading stories to her and playing with her.

The really odd thing is , if it is indeed odd, the reason mainly why I am posting is this- she is an absolute model pupil at school. All the time ever since the very first year. There are never any problems. I just can't understand why our home life is so awful. I have tried and stuck to every reward system going, dd would rather go without. She is eventually remorseful but it never lasts. I have maintained great bedtime routines throughout, and dd1 has had the same upbringing with no problems, if anything she is incredibly laid back.

I have nothing left to try and she seems to know this. Taking things away, cancelling arrangements, talking through things- nothing works. I have even spoken to school who were lovely but I am sure they are thinking it's me as a parent who is doing something wrong. The teacher said she had noticed a certain amount of anxiety but nothing serious they are all of the opinion dd is well rounded, independent, confident and bright. In reality she has only just learnt to wipe her bottom and put her socks on. I never worried as they all do things at their own pace and we kept on trying with her and she is fine. It was the fear of getting hands dirty or the sock seams bothering her not the ability I think. I bought seamless socks and toilet wipes which helped.

I am just desperate now as tonight dd was so horrible to me,telling me I was being nasty to her which I obviously wasn't, she would not come and get ready for bed and just kicked off. We had had a lovely evening up until this point. This morning I couldn't get her to school on time so we were very late. We are usually early. She just kept being obnoxious towards me for no apparent reason. I have asked about school she insists she loves it and there seem to be no problems, there have been in the past but I am often in and have a good relationship with the school as was a volunteer for years. I can't see any reason for her sheer rudeness and defiance.

Our home life has been peaceful and nurturing ,up until recently when my husband decided to give up on dd which has completely exacerbated the situation. I can see why parents become hard on children who won't behave and are pushed to their limits, but where does it all end? Dd was only 6 this year, there is only so much you can say or do. My mother has said she needs a hiding, or I am not strict enough this is simply not true. Dd mainly behaves for other adults but even lately this has started to change with her grandparents. I really am not soft on her but not overly hard either. I just don't know what to do, tonight has been horrible. Sorry for this outpouring.

Oh gosh, you poor thing, and your poor DD. I don't have much advice - my DCs are still a little younger, but have you tried (you probably have) giving her lots and lots of attention and special time with each of you? This really, really works for my 4.5 year old DS, who has a tendency to get into a negative spiral of behaviour. We'll do something like a special trip with mummy / daddy at the weekend (a whole day out doing something he really likes) and a little bit of "golden time" (i.e. one-to-one undivided attention, doing something like a craft activity or extra reading or going for a nice walk) every day, even just 20 minutes or so. Usually a couple of weeks of this really helps.

Other than this the only thing I would wonder about (and I really am no expert here at all, so this may be way off the mark) is whether there is something which means that she really has to work at behaving / conforming at school all day, and is as a consequence letting it all out at home? Things like undiagnosed Aspergers (which can present very differently in girls) or another neurological condition / learning difficulty might be making things hard for her? Schools aren't always brilliant at picking these things up in small children - you might want to google and see if anything sounds familiar?

Venus- thank you so much for replying. I just checked half heartedly and didn't expect anything. Sometimes when you know there are others listening (reading in our case!) it helps immensely. I feel a bit better than earlier and you are absolutely right with the needing time with each parent. I think DH bowing out and not doing this anymore has not helped one bit. They used to share lots of good times together. I do always do the lots of attention and special trips but she just seems to shut me out lately or sabotage the time together- I know this is not intentional on her part.

I did out of desperation ring the autism helpline last summer and the lovely lady on the end of the line listened for ages she said something quite similar to you. I think at the time because dd didn't seem to conform to as many symptoms of aspergers I sort of shoved it to the back of my mind and kept trying other things but I can't seem to get though to her in so many ways, being in her own little bubble is how I have always privately thought of dd.

She has been able to make and keep friends but does definitely have a degree of social awkwardness, again I put it down to age and having not learnt to act a certain way. Now when I think on it I have had to talk her through social situations ever since school as it doesn't come naturally.

She hated school at first yet i was convinced she would love it because she was bright, able to read, adored learning and i was shocked because she disliked it so much, instead of being more worn out starting school she couldn't sleep and still has trouble dropping off. Dd never enjoyed foundation and was better in year one although year two has been a bit harder for her to settle. She finds all the work easy and enjoyable but not the company of some children. Ironically it upsets her when they misbehave or are rude to her yet she is a tyrant at home. But dd doesn't seem to understand how her actions hurt me. It is strange.

School is a source of anxiety yet she now loves it, particularly science and english but detests PE with a passion.I have considered seeking help for the behaviour at home but it's one of those things where you wonder is it me as a parent. I do obviously have a much older dd and this is my benchmark which is why I posted also as not all dc's are the same, but the behaviour doesn't feel right and is getting worse. I was just hoping each day it would improve and was just possibly an age thing.

Happy to listen / read. AS as far as I know can be really complex and individual. School very tenatively suggested it in relation to my DS1, who (although generally quite well behaved) is socially quite disinterested, extremely academically bright, and can be quite intransigent. He has been seen by an Ed Psych and I have done a lot of reading into it. The general consensus at the moment is that he probably doesn't have Aspergers (it's something we'll keep an eye on, but he doesn't really have the triad of impairements, and doesn't score particularly highly on CAST), but does have some AS-like traits. Could this be the case with your DD? The (unhelpful!) thing with my DS, however, is that he doesn't respond to typical AS behaviour management strategies (visual timetables, 5 minute warnings etc), and the conclusion for now is that these are personality traits of his, and not neurologically based. Time will tell, he's only little. The Ed Psych mentioned asynchronous development of bright children - i.e. an aspect of their development (e.g. social skills) may lag years behind another aspect (e.g. the academic elements), and be slightly behind their actual age. Sorry, I'm rambling about my situation with no clear advice, but I just wondered if any of this would sound familiar.

How long before the baby came along did she change? Was it during pregnancy or well before that? The reason I am asking is one of my mindees changed so much as soon as his mum became pregnant.
Do you think you could be trying so hard to get her to be happy and like you that she is taking advantage and walking all over you?
I don't think she needs a hiding - I don't think any child does but I do think you need to take control and show her that it is you who is the boss and not her.
I may be way off the mark and I am sorry if I am - I just think you love your daughter so much you are pussyfooting around her so that you don't upset her. I have been there and believe me it does not work.

I think she is holding it together for school but that is taking so much out of her that she is badly behaved at home. I agree that is sound like a lot of Asperger/HFA traits, especially the dislike of sock seams, difficulties with self hygiene, finding other children badly behaved.

I have a son with HFA/Asperger's and a daughter the same age who is NT. She was quite bloodyminded at 6 and we got through it by giving her lots of nurturing and attention, and accepting that she was pretty frazzled at the end of the day. But she was sociable, and nice most of the time (give or take a few sugar lows first thing in the morning) The son with ASD, by comparison was much better behaved. This sounds odd but I think it was because at every level we were quite attentive to his issues, even when we didn't consciously know he had them. So we talked very calmly to him, we had fantastic bedtime routines, we never rushed him, we didn't expect him to be very mature in getting dressed or washed or organising himself, he had very little pressure in terms of homework, we generally tried to fit our day to what interested him. His Dad was his constant companion, building train sets for him etc, taking him to park, chatting at breakfast. So he was never anxious. So he never sounded off until he was older, which was when the ASD was eventually diagnosed (at 8-9) He is still quite a happy chap, but finds socialising difficult, so it is not all roses round the door, however easy he was to start with.

I recommend you read a book on Autism or Asperger's and see whether there are another ideas you can take from there on management, avoiding flashpoints etc, ways of dealing with tantrums, and what appears to be very selfish behaviour. See it from her point of view, IF she has Asperger's. She may not. If you notice any improvement, well and good, you are ahead of the game. A diagnosis will only mean that you have to read the same books, and institute the same responses, so you don't need one to try them out.

Ask your GP too, whether they can refer you for an assessment; the earlier you get an idea of what you are dealing with, the easier you will find it to tailor make your response to her behaviour.

Finally, [I'm woffling on] I cannot overemphasise how important it is to make her feel loved and valued and supported; Contempt is the final straw for anyone behaving badly, low self-esteem is the root of a lot of bad behaviour anyway, so showing someone you dislike and disapprove of them is going to create a vicious downward spiral.

The comment you made about the baby is very telling. She knows the baby loves her, so she is at ease, she relaxes, and she is a different person.

Also it isn't YOU. If it is her wiring, it isn't your fault she is anxious at school finds friendships difficult, has tantrums. But you can respond differently to her behaviour.

Disliking school is such a common theme for Asperger's children, yet liking the lessons (structured, adult led) which seems so contrary. It is a torture to have to deal with so many noisy, varying personalities, in a communal space, when you value your own thoughts. That is what makes you anxious. Also will you get things right? What are you meant to say to the person next to you? Will anyone play with you today? Do you even want them to play with you? Are they being rude to you, you just can't tell, maybe it is a joke, or are is a delibarate rudeness. So many social skills which are exhausting to master, on top of common tiredness just from all the other stuff that goes on at school.

Thinking back, dd was very bloody minded at 6, and often did the kicking, hitting shouting thing. She as I said, was NT. Cracking down on her behaviour did not help at all, not did treats and special time, she sabotaged it all (ie: you did craft with her, she tore it up) So....fast forward...dd was clearly unhappy and needed something from us, she wasn't getting. She needed to be close, and she needed to feel safe, and she also needed to be ...wait for it... independent. She was in that frustrating position of wanting to be a baby, nurtured and cuddled by her mum, and also wanting to be heard on her own terms. I think we should have acknowledged she was stressed and thought of ways to calm her down, rather than aggravating the situation by alternatively threatening and bribing. A good example was mealtimes, where she invariably threw a hissy fit about something, the food, the convos, the chair she had chosen which was someone else's chair, someone had been mean to her (there are 3 kids in our family). I used to put her outside the door, crossly (time out).

But my sister suggested to me, that she was actually finding family mealtimes awful (two noisy brothers, and stressed mum) and perhaps the answer was to give her food on a little tray, calmly and positively so that she had a good association with meals, next door, and then when she had eaten it, welcome her back (cortisol and hunger resolved) So we tried that, stopped the Time Out, and the arguing, and dramas being played out LET ME BAAACK IN, YOU ARE ALL MEEEANN TO ME etc, tried to approach from different angle. And guess what it worked.

Same with bedtimes. GO TO BED, WILL YOU GO TO BED, NO, YOU ARE NOT GETTING UP, changed to long chat and cuddle to sleep. Positive attention rather than long drawn out battles over who was in charge. Now it is no problem for her to go to sleep, and hasn't been from age 7.

:( You poor things.
I have two children with autism, the oldest has Aspergers, the younger with high functioning autism. When I read your post you reminded me of both of them, so I found it interesting when you said you had phoned the NAS helpline.
Both my DSs are model pupils - DS1 is now a house captain and DS2 is working a year ahead on the G&T list. Because they are well behaved the teachers didn't notice their very obvious autistic traits. To put that into persepective, the school thought DS1 was a little sensitive. The autism team diagnosed him with autism within 20mins of seeing him at school.
Yet at home all hell can (and often does) break lose, especially at the moment when things are in a constant state of flux so even things that they usually can rely on to be constant at school just aren't there - practicing for school plays, school parties etc etc. Christmas is a major worry for them - will they get a present, will it be right, will it be as good as they think it will be etc. DS1 (now 10) is really struggling, and it shows in his behaviour. He is snappy and grumpy and talks to his brothers as if he had brought them in on his shoe.
When things are this negative, one thing I have found to work, is that I tell them that from now on if they are going to get in trouble I am actually just going to hug them instead. They are good at remembering that and as I start to get mad I hear a "Where's our hug". I might want to strangle them at that point, but I have to calm down and give them a hug, and it does diffuse the situation. We then sit and talk calmly about what they did wrong and a list of what they should have done instead. e.g. DS3 takes DS2s toy, rather than grabbing it back and hitting him DS2 should have thought of a toy DS3 likes, gone and found the toy and then given it to DS3 (by that time DS3 is bored of DS2s toy and gives it back). We also try and keep a clear structure at home. e.g. they eat tea, then have their advent calendars, then have a Christmas story, then...etc

Have you looked into family therapy? I have a friend whose daughter exhibits this kind of Jeckyl and Hyde behaviour- very well behaved at school and out and about, but a nightmare at home/ with family- complete meltdowns, can't sleep on her own, feeling victimised. They now attend family therapy and it is helping, it's by no means cured but I think they find it very helpful and it helps them all see where everyone is coming from.
They also have the same problem with grandparents, who often say they can come to family gatherings as long as their daughter is well behaved.
The funny thing is whenever she is at ours ( or other friends) she is delightful.

Thank you everyone for replying I have actually printed off your advice because it will definitely help us. Already I am trying out some of your ideas and have spoken at length with DH. MIL has also offered to speak to him, bless her which is fantastic as do not have to tackle his apathy alone anymore. He has actually listened to me and spent time with dd this week as they used too.

Changing approach to the behaviour is exactly what we need to do and seek help,I realise this for dd's sake. It's interesting since reading all of your posts I have been paying even closer attention to dd and her reactions to things. Mainly when I speak about Xmas, she ignores me completely at times and I often push for an answer without meaning to be pushy if that makes sense? I have stopped this week and I think the pressure of this time of year really does affect her immensely. I know it does many children even without behavioural issues,simply the excitement can make children misbehave. With dd I do think some of the comments I have read here are spot on, she is feeling under pressure and anxious. It's very eye opening to look at everything from their perspective, I have always tried to do this but have stepped it up a notch and I expect calmer, more understandable behaviour from dh always.

littlemissgreen I love your hug approach you seem like such an understanding mum. Dd and I have a list of silly phrases we have collected over the years and use those when we remember, I am going to make a conscious effort to always do this or a hug. They need us to be in control of the situation, I haven't felt able to cope recently and I am sure children sense this no matter how hard you try to pretend everything is ok.

swanthingafteranother I see myself in your description of the threats/bribes scenario and yes you are so right!! I had a bit of a cry reading your posts, particularly your insight about our youngest baby and dd, the baby does love her unconditionally and dd feels this. This is how dh HAS to be towards dd and I have told him. When you are in the throes of daily bad behaviour it is hard to see through it all, coming on here has helped so, so much.

Thank you

You do really need an expert with loads of experience to diagnose whether there is an Autistic Spectrum Disorder or something completely else going on and help you find what and who can help.

The National Autistic society has a great helpline. They helped me with several contact details and after a few exploratory phone calls we saw a fantastic psychiatrist (in Bristol) to take DPs niece to for diagnosis.

Good luck, you are doing it right xxx

Your situation sounds so challenging. I do hope you find ways to help your dd feel better, and therefore be able to behave better. You started off saying that there were no problems in school, but then later mentioned various issues. Don't think that just because everybody including your dd thinks she loves school and there are no problems, that there are no problems at school. Kids who are not on autistic spectrum can find it very hard to talk about what happens in school with family.

She may love school, but have various emotional problems there, and save it up for you at home, and resent you because you don't know or understand what she's been through. If this is the case you or somebody she trusts could try to unpick carefully how she feels about every aspect of her school day by asking her loads of questions and listening really carefully to what she says.

Look into the aspergers and autism information and see if it fits and can help you, you may find that having a pattern of behavior and a label is really helpful to you, and it may mean extra support in the long run. But it also might not really fit, or help, so perhaps developing your communication with her, or allowing her to have a special friend who she can communicate deeply with will really help her.

For children struggling with their emotions, some councils have an emotional wellbeing team who can offer counseling or guidance for families.
Good luck.

returntoplanetvenus I also meant to say yes I agree wholeheartedly with your discussion regarding the catch up of social skills and intelligence, that just about sums my dd up. I have always felt this with her but it was very apparent when she started preschool at 3 and never spoke or played with anyone else. Yet at home she was a little chatterbox, she spoke at 8 months and was fluently speaking by 1.

I now realise she is only this way with people she feels entirely comfortable with. The last week of preschool, she was only there a year as is summer born so very young in her class, she spoke ten to the dozen with the play leader. They were amazed and thought she had suddenly become more confident.it took a year for her to feel comfortable with them!

I have often made excuses for what seems to be rude behaviour when dd chooses to ignore adults or other children but, again it isn't rude and once this year I said 'oh sorry dd is a little shy' Dd looked at me and said she wasn't shy she just didn't want to speak. Which makes perfect sense in many ways now.

With regards to the AS suggestion, dd seems to show more and more of the traits the older she gets. I never associated speaking early with autism but I read somewhere this week AS children often speak early and have a very advanced command of language or can go completely the other way. As someone said it is very individual how AS can appear.

On the other hand dd was very late walking and didn't even crawl until past one year and has had difficulties with motor skills which school have actually picked up on back in foundation year, she struggles with scissors, zips and numerous other skills. I expect other children do to but coupled with the many other bits I could list having read up on AS a little more this week it has made me think. Dd also has a lot of tics and habits which come and go although at least three are always present at any given time. Snorting. Hand flapping and spelling backwards are the current three dd is amazing at spelling and grammar.

In year one the teacher spoke to me about dd's apparent lack of imagination. It turned out that she struggles to think on the spot and hates the noise of the classroom but copes until she is singled out or asked something. The teacher said she has amazing suggestions and independent work but was a little concerned. I showed her the work dd does at home and she was so surprised. We came to the conclusion that dd needs a slightly different environment in which to work. Nothing was really done about it though.

This term in year two, dd has asked to leave the classroom due to noise levels and lights. The teachers have noted anxiety but again unless I keep going in she is just left to it. This makes sense to me now why she goes crazy at home, as someone said earlier she really is just keeping it together at school. When I look back at the last three years of school something was flagged each year but because her behaviour is exemplary and she achieves consistently its not such an issue to school. Yet is trashing our home life.

Just realised I have been waffling away as I think. The comments about school I have made were the problems I mentioned earlier but didn't go into detail. I didn't realise lots of the things dd does are AS traits, we have just accepted it until it became normal and got on with life. Some of the habits I admit have been awful in the past, coughing all the time was the worst and spelling every word as we spoke. It is the lashing out and melt downs which have begun to break us. The bigger children get the harder that particular behaviour is to,cope with isn't it? When dd was 1-5 we thought of her outbursts as extended terrible twos. From age 1 I sort of had this idea she was gifted due to the speaking and reading very early but it was exciting and fun, then at 2 through to 5 we were of the opinion she had OCD due to other stuff she did. And as I said earlier its gone from that to the behaviour issues coupled with brightness but also negativity and all the rest of it.

Gawd what a long post. Hope I haven't bored you all silly.

not waffling at al, sure it helps just to write it down

Thanks looking back there have been problems with school, at first when I posted I think perhaps I may have been a bit in denial or the issues were so spaced out so far it didn't seem problematic at the time. Lots of children struggle at the beginning. And dd genuinely does love school but it is a source of anxiety for her which I am beginning to understand runs deeper than I realised.

Sympathies! You?ve had some good advice about considering AS. Another thing to look at is the Explosive Child book. It worked beautifully for my son who now has an AS diagnosis, and it can work for kids whose behaviour is difficult for many other reasons. It had some good suggestions for how to cope when conventional discipline didn?t get me anywhere and the explanations may be helpful for your DH. There?s a fairly large chunk of the book readable online at Amazon ? maybe see if the descriptions in the book sound a bit like your daughter?

I am very interested in your thread as I am awaiting a visit to the child development team for my son. He has similar traits. Doing very well at school academically but struggles with physical ed and socially when he isn't sure if the situation. We are looking into a possible diagnosis of dyspraxia. It is quite unknown about in the grand scheme of all the other conditions but it might be worth looking into. My son does hide his emotions at school and bottles them up for home so it maybe what your daughter is doing. Don't you think that all of us show our true emotions to those that we love the most. You sound like you are doing an amazing job. You are not alone. We have found that a daily chat just before bed after stories is a good time to say- anything you want to talk about today? That opens it up for ds to say no or yes. Sometimes he will talk about good things that have happened if he's in a good place. Other times he might open his heart to something that is really worrying him or that has upset him. It works for us and it gives him an opportunity to feel that he can open up in a safe environment. We always make sure that it follows cuddle and story time so we are both calm. We found if one or other was angry it didn't work as either I wasn't listening properly or he was too angry to verbalise the real problem. We read how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Invaluable book in my eyes. Let us know how things go,

Thank you both, just reading your posts has made me feel better today. I felt so alone dealing with all of this and actually there seem to be lots of us with similar children. I am going to read both your suggestions, we are all bookworms in our house and I expect our eldest will be interested too. She has been so supportive and helpful trying out various ways of handling little dd's behaviour.

kleinzeit the conventional discipline failure is so very true, I have said to MIL (my rock) many many times why does this and that not work? She has also been consistent with her approach and stuck to things as have I, but nothing works. MIL is also stumped and because she spends lots of time with dd she really understands.

My own mum simply does not believe me, she is of the mind that no child will resist to the extent dd does and I must be firmer. Although a few weeks ago she did spend a whole day with us and was surprised how articulate dd is yet prone to tantrums (but not about wanting things just when she can't cope or something goes wrong) and she did admit it doesnt really add up.

As I mentioned upthread you can only do so much and I refuse to use old fashioned methods. My methods have worked with eldest dd and should in theory with dd2. So yes I am very interested in other ways to help dd understand her actions have consequences and she cannot lash out and get away with it so to speak. I can see in her eyes sometimes she wants to stop but can't and it is painful to watch so I want to help very much.

Just thought, have you got any sensory toys, bubble column, sparkly light thing, soft things to touch (if DD likes soft) when she is having a 'meltdown' (massive assumption of Asperger's in my head, realise I could be wrong, DP has it) might be calming?

I don't think there is any problem being strict with an Asperger's child, or any child, as long as you know why they are being badly behaved in the first place (ie; not just being spoilt brat, but actually upset or triggered by something)

So, with ds2 we are quite strict on bedtimes, doing what we say, when we say it, and his teachers are quite firm with him too. He doesn't mind, as long as no-one shouts at him, or gives him tasks he is incapable of doing. So that sounds simple doesn't it? So I know that it is pointless to go up to ds2 (10) and ask him why he hasn't gone to bed, and why is he watching telly still? in an angry voice. The key is just to say...It is time for bed, let's go upstairs..and then the routine kicks in. I have to give him quite a lot of [friendly] cues to show my expectations of his behaviour.

I also try not to reason with ds2. Arguments are quite unproductive and can cause a lot of emotional scenes. But that doesn't mean you can't listen to their point of view, hear it from their angle. And then possible change a habit which you are enforcing, if it doesn't seem to be working out. How To Talk has a lot about that.

I think parents can get bogged down trying to explain why they want the child to listen to their point of view, without really working out why the child isn't doing what they want, in the first place..

Interesting point swanthingafteranother The thing with my Aspie son is that yes, I can be strict about following a routine, but I can?t be strict with him about not following a routine. So we have a fixed bedtime and like you I can gently remind DS when it?s bedtime and he'll go peacefully enough, but on the other hand I can?t send him to bed half an hour early because I think he?s tired, or keep him up late either, and not expect a meltdown due to the stress of his disrupted routine, no matter how strict I am with him. So in the long run it does help to know whether you are dealing with Aspie-type issues or not, because that changes which things you can be strict about.

I do use conventional discipline as well (I've used Parent/Child Game and Incredible Years, which were recommended to me by the local children's hospital and they are both very good), but when things are going very wrong Explosive Child is the one that gets us back on track.

I do hope things get better for you ChoccoPuddo - you sound like a very caring hard-working Mum

Thanks kleinzeit I have ordered the books and very much looking forward to reading them as is MIL. isabeller dd has a globear and absolutely loves him, she has had him since birth. He definitely would have a calming effect so will give that a try. Dh is better this week, I sat and had a good chat about the AS possibility and in the new year we are going to look at this together. The two of them had a really lovely evening last night and do you know they are strikingly similar characters. The no argument strategy also makes perfect sense to me. Thank you again (very) wise people and have a peaceful Christmas,you have given me much food for thought and a different outlook. Whether or not dd has AS all of your advice is just brilliant.

I would go to your GP and ask for a referral to a paediatrician who can give further advice re AS and so on. It sounds as if there might be some kind of sensory issues going on too.

I went to our doctor recently about my nearly 3 y.o. who exhibits less concerning behaviours, and said I thought (based on advice here) he might have some kind of sensory processing disorder and/or ASD. He reluctantly referred us on, and we had a phonecall from the paed who wants to see us in only a fortnight's time.