Son's jealousy ruining family harmony

[umzeki]

My 6yo son is still very jealous of my almost 2yo daughter and devotes his time and energy to getting attention by being as annoying as possible. He is a talented manipulator and knows which buttons to press, and I now dread weekends and holidays because I know it will end up with everybody upset and shouting. I do my best to have special time with him whenever possible, but with a full-time job and a demanding daughter I just can't play with him as much as he would like. I don't know how to deal with his declarations of 'I hate my family', 'I hate my life' etc. Yesterday he actually packed his little suitcase (pyjamas, 2 apples and a recorder) so that he could go and live outside on the staircase in our block of flats. When we organize special treats for him (presents, zoo etc.) he seems to want to punish us by refusing to enjoy himself, being grumpy and complaining, even when its something he really wanted to do. He also refuses to eat / get dressed in the morning / pee unless cajoled and fussed over for ages. I want to help him be happy but just don't know what to do. Anybody else dealing with similar situations, or has some suggestions on how to help my son and find some family harmony?

What happens if you ignore him?

It is hard to say what will work and won't = but what works best for me is if I ignore everything I don't like and praise up the behaviour I do like. It is hard (for me) not to get caught in a negtive shoutin cycle which only serves to make me feel better.

For what it worth - i think 6-7 year olds are quite tricky. Also have you asked your son why he wants to leave?

I know you are supposed to ignore this kind of thing but if i did he would never eat, never have a bath, never get to school, he would pee himself on the bus etc. He says he wants to leave because he 'hates this family', or sometimes, when feeling more melodrammatic, it's because he doesn't deserve to sleep in a bed / have toys etc. and should sleep outside (probably reformulating my replies about how many kids in the world get along just fine without a Nintendo and that we need to be grateful for what we have). He's quite open about the fact that it is all because he is jealous of his little sister and feels like he doesn't get enough attention. All the threads about Christmas on Mumsnet are about lovely Xmas rituals and spending quality time with the kids.... I wish it could be like that at our house, instead of a psychological minefield! Anyway, it is good to know that 6-7 yos in general can be tricky, not just mine (who is of course absolutely gorgeous, when he wants to be).

If he refuses breakfast, make sure there's fruit in his lunch box for break time. If he refuses to get dressed, take him to school in his pyjamas. If he refuses to use the toilet, take a change of clothes out with you (and a thick skin!)

When he says "i hate you" reply, in a calm voice, "that's a shame because we love you very much" and change the subject.

Good luck

Going to go against the grain here and say I wouldn't ignore but invite him to expand further on his 'I hate my family...' etc. declarations. I think it unlikely that he does hate his family but obviously there is something he is trying to express. Would it hurt to sit down with him and hear all about it? If you can direct him towards specifics (I want to do x, and I can't, or I don't like it when you x, etc.) you might find that you and he are able to work out strategies when the situations that provoke those feelings arise. I think I would try and deal with these direct expressions and hope that in so doing, the other defiant behaviour might lessen. They might not! But at least you would open a line of communication about the obviously difficult feelings that he is expressing in those behaviours.