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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4yo DD will not take a compliment - is rude in return

18 replies

ThisIsMummyPig · 17/12/2012 01:18

She has just started reception, and really, really struggles with forming her letters - she can't draw anything recongisable - I think she might be dyspraxic.

So she is actually trying with some handwriting sheets today - I say that's a really good e DD1, and she says, 'no it isn't, naughty mummy'.

She does this every time, no matter what the compliment is about. It is starting to drive me mad. It has been going on for some time (about a year)

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 17/12/2012 01:30

It sounds like she's feeling too much pressure. I had similar with my older DD (now 8). I have to say though that 4 is FAR too young to assume she could be dyspraxic due to struggling to form letters.

My younger DD is 5 in March and can only just write her name....it's very normal. I don't push at all because I did that wth older DD and had real repercussions with her "hating writing".

She was one of the last to learnt o read and write in her year one class and now that she[s in year 4 she is in the top bunch....with a reading age of 12.

It's too little to bother hassling them....I would let her enjoy herself and just read with her and encourage drawing and painting which will help her to get there in the end.

Original poster

ThisIsMummyPig · 17/12/2012 01:40

Thanks for your reply - I think you may be right about feeling under pressure, but that's coming from school, not me, and I want to try and support her to catch up with the others - she knows that she is behind most of the class.

The Dyspraxia thing is mostly because I have it - she can't do buttons, eat with a knife and fork, ride a bike etc.

My objection isn't about what she can and can't do, it's about her absolute refusal to take a compliment - sorry if I clouded the issue about it.

OP posts:

MrsMushroom · 17/12/2012 02:05

My 4 year old can't do buttons or ride a bike either! She's not under any suspicion of dyspraxia etc. Is your DD in a private school? I only ask because my older one was and it was much more pressured.

Your DD should not really be aware of being behind anyone in reception! It's mostly about play...with some learning alongside that.

Her inability to take a compliment...does it extend to other things...like "That was a lovely dance you did?" or "What a nice cookie you've decorated." etc.

Original poster

ThisIsMummyPig · 19/12/2012 02:12

Sorry for delay in replying - have been going to work and DH's birthday and other stuff.

Yes - the inability to take a compliment is about everything. All the time. She is not in private school, and her school is probably the least academic in the area (all the other schools go in for getting their kids into grammar schools in a big way)

OP posts:

boxoftricks · 19/12/2012 02:55

Before she goes to bed, can you have a little chat? Ask her

who she was nice to today
what did she do to help after school, eg, got the placemats out for dinner or played with her brother nicely
what was her favourite thing that happened today

Maybe she needs reassurance in things she knows already she can do, as she probably doesn't feel very confident with the writing. Getting her to realise that you are saying nice things genuinely about things she is doing already will help her realise how it feels when someone says something nice. If she herself feels like she's struggling, she might be on the defensive. Get her to list her own good points of the day.... It's something we should all do more of!

Original poster

ThisIsMummyPig · 19/12/2012 03:31

She is a worrier - If I asked her who she had been nice to though she would say no-one, who did you play with? - no one, what did you enjoy? - nothing

I know it's not true, but it is difficult to work with. We always have a chat and a cuddle before bed. I have worked really hard at giving her compliments in the past as a way of modifying her behaviour (we had loads of problems after DD2, but she is 2.7 now!) Maybe I overdid it, and she doesn't believe me now.

OP posts:

boxoftricks · 19/12/2012 04:05

It's about getting her to realise she's done something good without others having to tell her for her to believe it. She's obviously doubting herself a little bit, hence the 'no it's not, naughty mummy' as in 'of course it's not, how could you say such a thing'
What do you talk about before she sleeps? Is it already "you played very nicely with ds today, thank you. And you got dressed into your pyjamas very quickly, well done"?
What about saying she has to pick one nice thing to say about mummy, and then you say one nice thing about her? Treat it as a game. Getting her to GIVE compliments might help!

Original poster

ThisIsMummyPig · 19/12/2012 04:49

At bedtime we usually talk about the day she's had, the day that's coming. At the moment how long it is until christmas. This and that really. She gives compliments to her sister (in a very patronising tone, but she means well).

She only ever compliments me on my cooking. She may be modelling that on DH.

OP posts:

sommewhereelse · 19/12/2012 05:26

She's only 4!

I remember having to learn to accept compliments graciously as a teenager. I hated it when people drew attention to me.

I think you've hit the nail on the head about having overused praise to change her behaviour. Have you read anything about praise and manipulation?

I think she doesn't believe you. Why tell her it's 'really good' when the letters are unrecognisable? It isn't 'really good' and she knows it. Can you be more specific? Eg look, you can make the lines go straight up.

rrreow · 19/12/2012 15:08

How about rather than generally praising her for something she struggles with (so because she's already feeling badly, she will not take the compliment and maybe even feel like you're 'lying' to her), find something specific. So for example instead of 'you did some really good writing' say something like 'I like how you made tops of the 'n's all curvy' or 'I like how these two 'e's look almost identical' (rubbish examples sorry, but I hope you get the point). So that you're not actually talking about good/bad but more about what she is doing and the effort she's making.

Original poster

ThisIsMummyPig · 19/12/2012 21:35

rrreow - I think I already do all of that - sometimes it's a struggle to actually find the good thing to praise - but I feel that I should be positive at least!

I tend to find one letter in a line and point out that one as being good, or find something good about it at least - I never just say 'Oh that's fantastic work DD1' If I do say something general it is nearly always about how nice it is to see her working hard.

Sommewhereelse - I have heard of reports which say aren't you fantastic not being productive, but aren't you trying hard being much better - that is what I try to do - is there is something else I've missed?

OP posts:

sommewhereelse · 20/12/2012 05:32

this resumes the 'problems with praise' argument.

Your OP made me think of point 6. Your DD doesn't agree with you about her achievement in handwriting like the boy with his snowflake.

And your later post " I have worked really hard at giving her compliments in the past as a way of modifying her behaviour (we had loads of problems after DD2, but she is 2.7 now!) Maybe I overdid it, and she doesn't believe me now." made me think about point 2.

Original poster

ThisIsMummyPig · 20/12/2012 09:58

I think there is some validity in that argument, but my gut instinct is that it goes too far - we don't parent in a bubble, and I would hate my girls to feel unappreciated when they really have tried hard.

If you have done your best, and all your mother is says is 'well, how do you feel?' I think that's a bit of shame. I wonder if that would leave you with the feeling that nothing is ever good enough? Of course the trouble with new theories is that nobody has tried them out long enough to find out what happens when the kids become adults.

I think it is different if you are trying it out in schools with teenagers.

I will try and praise less, and I do try and praise effort more than end results, but giving it up altogether?

With regard to modifying her behaviour after DD2 was born, I would have done anything, and to hell with the consequences. DD1 variously put a plastic bag over DD2s face while I was changing DD2s nappy - hit her every time she walked past, tried to put her in the bin, pushed her downstairs etc etc etc. I tried almost everything but actually it was the constant praise that really made her want to change, DD2 was nearly 1 when I started that.

I do sometimes wonder how none of us ended up in hospital/prison

OP posts:

sommewhereelse · 20/12/2012 10:18

I don't mean to sound critical of the past. (That was quite an extreme reaction to a new baby!). It sounds like what you did worked for your family.

I don't think one should give up praise altogether but I like the idea of questioning why, especially if you are getting rejection from your DC.

Original poster

ThisIsMummyPig · 20/12/2012 20:51

You weren't critical (or at least I didn't see it that way) I think I just wanted to justify how we got there. DD1 is a funny creature, she just doesn't always seem to see the world like the other kids do, and is often horrid for the sake of it.

For example she told me tonight that she doesn't want to go to sleep on christmas eve so that father christmas won't come, and then she and DD2 won't have any presents. The point is that she doesn't want DD2 to have presents, and will happily go without to ruin things.

She is actually a very kind and loving big sister most of the time, but she wants to create a reaction all the time, and she does it by being nasty.

OP posts:

BrainGoneAwol · 21/12/2012 05:28

I'm not knowledgeable in this at all, but your last comment "she wants to create a reaction..." is interesting.

Is there any chance that she is doing this to up the ante? I mean, by refusing the compliment she is pushing for a bigger/more extended compliment/attention? She is obviously not averse to denying herself in order to achieve a 'greater' aim.

Just a thought?

rrbrigi · 21/12/2012 12:07

Hi,

Sorry I cannot give you advice, but I just would like to tell you that saying "naughty" to you is not acceptable (at least I think). Where is the respect to each other?

And also I agree you need to tell the truth for her (that is part of the respect things, we respect each other that way that we tell the truth every time to each other, no matter how hard it is). If something she write is not good is not good, but praise the effort of her hard work. Let her know that we are human and we are not perfect, we do some things better than others. No worries she will learn it. Also let her know that practice makes things prefect, so do not give up. She might need some fine-motor skills development before she can write. As soon as she will see that you can judge her work without your feelings she will take your compliment, and even more she will think about your advice too.

confusedperson · 21/12/2012 16:04

I do not have an advice but just bumping for you.. my 4.8yo DS still says ?No ? naughty mummy? to almost everything, i.e. from praise to a question. He struggles to form or engage into conversations, because he is either grumpy or he is being silly. Although I do think he understands and can engage.. after I threaten to ignore him! Along other things, I am suspecting he has ADHD or Asperger?s traits which makes his efforts to converse pretty awful or awkward..

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