what is the best way of handling extreme fussy eating in older children (6 year old)?

[F0xyLady]

I have a 6 year old who is becoming increasingly fussy with food, bordering on food phobia with unfamilar things. She gets so worked up and she coughs until she's sick

Her diet is fairly healthy, she'll eat fruit and veg no problems. She refuses most dairy, eggs, lots of cooked meals that look unfamiliar (but she likes the ingredients individually).

Most of the advice I've found is for toddlers - she was fine as a toddler, but is getting worse as she gets older and now won't eat lots of stuff she would eat 2 years ago.

There seems to be 2 schools of thought:

1. serve food, ignore protests, if they don't eat it take it away and let them go hungry

2. try to encourage new food but if they won't eat it give them what they WILL eat ( for DD mainly sandwiches and fruit, and very bland meals like meat and 2 veg with no sauces)

What I'm worried about is lack of calcium because she won't eat dairy, ongoing fussiness into adolescence or adulthood, and awkwardness when eating out or at other people's houses.

Does anyone with experience of fussy older children have any advice?

I wish I knew, at almost 12 DD2 is getting very very slowly slightly better.

Do you think she's just beginning to grow out of it startail, or have you tried something that helped?

Do you think she's just beginning to grow out of it startail, or have you tried something that helped?

whoops!

DS1 has always been very sure about what he will and won't eat. I have gone with it and just give him the food he likes. He won't eat any fruit at all plus loads of other stuff. My approach has always been wait until he shows an interest and then get it for him. He has a keen interest in fish and seafood, all developed by himself. Tonight he showed an interest in oranges......so they are next. He will only drink water, milk and apple juice. I won't make him eat anything nor deny him food. It seems to be an area that he is happiest to explore in his own time, so I let him

btw DS1 is 7 and won't eat most meats, any potatoes, any fruit, some vegetables, most drinks, yoghurt. He will eat bread, fish, eggs and cheese.

He has recently started to eat pasta with pesto, baked beans, mussels and roast chicken with aubergine pickle and yoghurt

I am happy to just give her what she will eat at home. But what do you do about eating out or at other people's houses? I think most people are beginning to think she's too old for fussiness and that I should do something about it ( yes people have made comments ). But I'm not sure what.

I'm afraid that I don't have any advice, but wanted to reassure you that you're not alone.

I'm having a very similar issue with dd (6yo). We're meant to be going to a friend's house for Boxing Day and I'm apprehensive about how her inevitable food fussiness is going to come across.

Have tried both (1) and (2), but with very little success.

I would go for no 2 option. It sounds very like how I eat very plain no sauces I go eat dairy but not cheese or yoghurt or milky sauces

Please don't try and force her to eat. It's awful people doing that. There is nothing worse than someone trying to cdje you Nd make a fuss

As for eating out - well it's not always easy but most restaurants will cook things plain without sauces and you learn to eat beforehand if going to somewhere unfamiliar. I will admit that I very rarely eat at other people's houses except for Sunday lunch type meals.

My DS is 6 and has been a serious fussy eater since he was 13 months, basically living on variations of toast, chicken dippers, fish fingers and fromage frais.

We have seen dieticians, had blood tests, tried food diaries and reward charts but in the end he was monitored whilst being exposed to different foods and it showed high stress levels throughout so he is borderline phobic.

I think the best way to deal with it looking bavk is basically to do what Funny suggests and let her lead you with regard to her diet.

It is awkward when going out for a meal and tbh we don't really do it with DS because it is just plain difficult, he gets stressed and we get dirty looks from strangers.

Dinner at peoples houses can be murder but we tell in advance so they won't be offended and offer to getting or make something he will eat.

Thanks for your replies. l do think she is developing a phobia, hence her getting so worked up, gagging and being sick.

Plus this thread was triggered by a completely massive overreaction by DD at dinner time over a bowl of chicken soup - covent garden bog standard cream of chicken soup. Anyone would think it was a bowl of turds such was her disgust, gagging, coughing and hysterical crying. And that was before she even tasted it I've honestly seen contestants in I'm a celebrity handle a bowl of grubs better than this.

I didn't make her eat it, I made her a tuna sandwich and an apple instead. Which was embarrassing because we were at my mums and she disapproved

ok i'm going to give you my opinion as an adult who was a very fussy eater as a child (diet consisted of cereal, toast, sausages and chocolate- and that's it)

first of all i would like to tell you that while i am by no means the most varied eater now, i will try almost any dish you set infront of me. so there is hope.

but if i could advise my parents what would have helped me when i was 6 i would tell them to please stop pointing it out, to me, to family, to visitors, to teachers. stop taking me to the doctor and making me feel like a freak. stop making it into such a big issue that even though the food on your plate looks and smells really good, i cant now tell you i want some because you will make such a big celebration about it and i just cant take the attention. please just make dinner and set it in front of me and make no comment or sidewards glances when you see me looking at the chicken out of the corner of my eye. please dont faint (mum) if i touch it with my fork and dont ring the newspaper if i taste it. now none of these things actually happened but when all your life you have been told you are a fussy eater and that it causes your mother so much worry, you really dont know what the reaction will be when you do try something you haven't previously eaten. and please please dont label me as fussy. i know that's what i am but the label makes it harder for me not to be even though it's what i want. if i could ask anything of my parents i would ask that they forget everything they know about what i will and wont eat. just treat me like a normal member of the family. make dinner for me the same as everyone else and if i dont eat it all please dont get frustrated and angry, just let me thank you for the dinner and clear my plate away at the end. if the dinner consists entirely of food i dont like then i will be hungry but please allow me to have toast or fruit before bed.

i started eating a more varied diet when i moved out of my parents' house aged 19. there was no audience, no issue, no build up or let down. if i fancied something i tried it, if i didn't like it, no-one was disappointed with me.

i know this advice might be hard to agree with as there are some people who very much insist on children clearing their plates or eating 6 forkfulls etc. but believe me when i tell you that for someone who has the beginnings of a picky appetite, drawing attention to it will make it worse, not better. some children go through fussy stages during toddler hood, i have 2 dcs, 1 did, 1 didn't. it is normal, the less issue you make of it at the time (just accept it, knowing it will pass) the less issue it will become for your child. dont create a child that ends up as an adult with massive food issues even going as far as seeing a hypnotherapist that wont work.

as i said, i dont eat everything (i dont know anybody who likes all food) but what i eat now would be considered a normal diet. my mother never thought she would see the day i tucked into a bowl of pasta or even fish and chips. i still have issues and i know i didn't create them but they exist now and i have to just work with them to have as normal a life as possible and be a good influence for my own dcs. my own 'fussy' ( i dont use that label, it;s just for the purpose of this thread) eater gets made exactly the same meals as my other son, we dont have uncomfortable meal times or tears over his plate. he eats what he wants and there is no comment made. he always has free access to fruit, he can have cereal or toast if he wants after dinner and sometimes he does, i dont mind at all. he is a healthy boy, i'll do all i can to avoid passing on the issues that were given to me.

and avoid making your DD eat infront of people you know are inwardly shaking their head. my mum still tries to draw attention to my ds. i just dont take him to eat there anymore. it isn't fair.

I would never describe DS1 as a fussy eater either in RL because I don't think its very nice or helpful. Besides which I don't think he is just very clear about what he likes and doesn't like.

And I really really don't care what other people think about what he will and won't eat. I know if he goes to a friends for tea there is a 50% chance he won't like what they serve. But I don't try to explain or make excuses. He eats what he likes and I am not going to tell him he has to eat something just to be polite. It would be too stressful for him. If his host can't handle the fact that he may not eat tea then they need not invite him again.

My son (7) is an extremely fussy eater too! Will only eat apples and occasionally red grapes. Will eat carrots, no other veg. He loves milk, cheese and fromage frais. Apart from that he lives on things like mini pizza, sausages, turkey dinosaurs etc. I don't make him try new things unless he wants to as he makes himself physically sick.

No I don't know anything that helps.
Just seems as she got older it frustrates her not trying things.

Also I think she begins to see how much it annoys everyone else.
That it's a pain when we go out and embarrassing asking people to do something different for her.

She doesn't do embarrassing, she likes to fit in, in public. Foods the one time her angelic public face slips.

At home, she is getting better at not getting in a temper about things full stop.

She's a real control freak. I think as she gone to secondary school and been allowed a bit more freedom everything is slightly less frustrating.

Also her big sister cooks and she tentatively joins in.

I don't make a big deal of it, but others are beginning to :(

I can't avoid eating at our families houses as they all live a long way away, so we stay over when we visit and have meals with them. And we eat out quite a lot socially which is enjoyable, even if DD just orders a side order of chips.

I'm just concerned that her fussiness is getting worse and actually becoming a bit of a phobia around unfamiliar food. And I wondered if I was doing anything wrong, or if it was just the way she is.

So is it generally accepted that there is nothing you can really do, and you just have to wait for them to either grow out of it, or come round in their own time?

ok. for those that you cant avoid eating with, have a word with them, away from your DD and ask them to completely ignore her eating habits. to pass no comment when she reacts or refuses to eat. it does sound like a phobia. i used to start gagging if my mum even mentioned getting me to eat things without knowing it (by disguising food- it was a threat she made). i do think your DD will grow out of it, i really do. as she matures psychologically she will be able to deal with her reaction to unfamiliar foods in a more appropriate way and she will start being introduced to food in different ways by her friends as she gets older and spends less time at home. as hard as it may be to do, i would just accept that she is how she is and not put any pressure on her to change. it really wont help her, she has to make the choice herself to try new things otherwise it will always be a source of bad feeling. if she is anything like i was she will already be incredibly aware of how different she is and how awkward she makes life for her family, she also probably very much wants not to be like she is. dont let it be an issue anymore, even if you have to pretend for the rest of her childhood, just stop. she needs to be able to relax around mealtimes and that's when she will start to try different things. it wont happen overnight so dont set any expectations, just be there for her and dont throw a party when she does try a yoghurt or whatever. just add them to the shopping list when she lets you know she likes them. (but dont give them to her for every meal for the next month! thanks mum)

also, try not to apportion blame as to why she is like this. it could be something she would have developed no matter how she was raised or it could be environmental factors that affected her eating habits. my mum says that i was a great eater until i was about 3 and then suddenly changed. she thinks it may be associated with joing a new nursery at that time but she couldn't be sure.

Santa - thank you so much for the advice from a fussy childs point of view - I feel this is going to benefit me totally x

My 5 year old has all of a sudden started being fussy and I think this advice will help

I was also a very fussy eater as a child but my Dad worked abroad all over the world so when he came home he just wanted plain food which I didn't like and still don't like to this day.

Putting a whole plate of food down in front of me with every piece being something I don't like used to make me retch until I was sick. There was no alternative offered so I would happily go hungry.

I now have ds1 who will eat and try pretty much anything, and ds2 aged 6 who is a nightmare.

Basically, if we are eating chilli and I know ds2 will turn his nose up at it, I give him a tablespoon of chilli and a tablespoon of rice in a bowl, once he has eaten that he can have whatever he wants, and I kid you not when I say his favourite meal would be a plain tortilla wrap.

Now the reason I do this is because I can genuinely tell if he dislikes something or if he is being a pain in the arse. He will drink pineapple juice from the actual pineapple but won't eat the pineapple I have just removed from it.

He will still kick off at pretty much every meal time but we just ignore him and have a conversation. The joke being if we ignore him he will eat stuff, like more than a few spoons of chilli etc. For us it is all about him trying new stuff and once he has done that he can eat something he likes. I wouldn't want a plate full of carrots so I wouldn't give him a whole portion of chilli or whatever.

With regard to your daughter's calcium intake would she drink milkshake or hot chocolate? Ds2 had severe reflux so was on a prescription formula, once weaned off that he wouldn't eat even cereal with milk. So I had to make sure he had yoghurt or some form of milk drink daily.

He has got much better over time and even come home and asked for stuff that he has previously said he doesn't like.

Great post by SantaIAmSoFuckingRock. Really sensible advise.

I eat anything, my DH is fussy and all three of my teen DC are fussy. They have got better over the years but are still restricted as to what they eat. They are, however, very healthy, well behaved, polite and hard working DC's. its true!
I have dealt with their fussy'ness by not making a fuss about it, continually offering new foods and not covering for them if they eat out with friends. It has got nothing to do with anyone else and I would be giving the evils to anyone who criticised me out loud. I never asked anyone to prepare special food for my DC and they would never ask for something different if they were presented with something they didn't like outside the home. The fact they are fussy should be no one else's concern but also no one else's problem.

Option 2 is what I did and what I would do again.

Thanks for your advice, especially santa

I will continue to ignore it and just make meals for her that she will eat, and have a word with my mum and anyone else who criticises her or me.

pickled she's very fussy about what she drinks as well. She won't drink milkshake (tried that one), and doesn't like hot drinks including hot chocolate. She usually just has water or weak squash. She hasn't drunk any milk since she was 11 months old but at least she would eat yoghurt then, which she won't now.

There was a program on TV about a year ago that showed some children who refused to eat anything more than a very small number of foods (something like chips, crisps and cocktail sausages). The mother was frantic with worry about what this was doing to the child's health. The child was given a blood test. Unbelievably the blood test came back NORMAL! It just goes to show that kids can survive on a very limited diet. My heart goes out to parents who worry about their fussy eaters.

I have followed some really simple rules around food right from the beginning:

We all eat the same food at mealtimes. I never, ever make separate meals. I am not a short order cook!

If I know my DC doesn't like a particular food it still goes on the plate. I don't want to give him the idea that there is something inherently wrong with the food. And I want to give him the opportunity to change his mind.

We eat at the table (mostly) and the atmosphere is one of enjoyment (mostly!). Its definitely a social occasion

I never, ever insist on my DC eating anything

I don't "police" my DC at the table i.e. I don't pointedly watch him and make references to what he's eaten, or how much he has eaten, or how much he should eat. I would find that very annoying if someone did it to me!

I don't use food for comfort i.e. if my DC is upset about something I don't cheer him up with sweets/crisps

I don't use food for reward i.e. if you get all your spellings right this week I will give you a packet of sweets

I don't insist my DC "just try" a particular food. However, I do often say things like "Try this. I don't think you'll like it though as its quite bitter/salty". He nearly always tries it after I say that though as he wants to be able to tell me what HE thinks of it!

I don't know whether or not following any of those rules has helped my son but he does not have any food issues and eats a very, very wide range of foods.