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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Why does my DS behave worse when others are around?

10 replies

berri · 14/12/2012 20:28

He's just turned 4. I'm totally at the end of my tether with him and utterly sick of doing nothing but telling him off.

If it's just me & him he tends to be fine.

But introduce any other children to the mix and its a totally different story. Playing at ours/someone else's house is a TOTAL nightmare - he will hit, throw toys, not listen, generally just act like a nasty little brat when I know that's not really his character.

I don't understand it - we have long conversations before we go anywhere and he agrees he must share, no hurting etc, but he doesn't last 2 minutes.

I've tried all the usual things - time out, taking coveted things away, threats etc. NOTHING works and I've been virtually in tears at my friend's houses recently due to frustration.

It's putting me off going out of the house with him. I'm pg and just can't deal with the hassle and stress

I'd love any advice if anyone has experienced anything similar.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SetFiretotheRain · 14/12/2012 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cathpip · 14/12/2012 20:42

He is showing off, my 4 year old ds is a nightmare for this when we have friends over or are on a play date. I use time out but in the same room and completely ignore it works most of the time and when it doesn't we leave early.

Original poster

berri · 14/12/2012 20:51

Thank you for quick replies.

Despondent to read that nothing has worked for both of you either....so sick of being the shouty telling-off Mum while everyone else has cups of tea & watches their lovely kids playing nicely! Everyone must think he's a terrible kid & I'm a terrible mother.

Think I'm just going to stay in for the next year or so.

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 14/12/2012 20:55

I think it must be hard for children when people Coe round and play with their toys. Like if an adult came round and rearranged your kitchen cupboards and then tried on all your shoes.

I would try to have a play with just one other child at first. There are always more disagreements when there are lots if children.

Have a chat with o e of your friends to see if they an help you. Perhaps organise with the other parent an activity that they can do. So 'we are going to Bob's to play with the train set'.

Then go, play for half an hour, tell him you are going in five minutes because you have to go to the bank, and then go in five minutes.

If it goes well, talk about it and how much fun he had. Tell him you liked the track they built or whatever.

Then, get some toy that belongs to you rather than him, like play doh or painting or hungry hippos and ask bob over. Then he doesn't feel so invaded if that's what the problem is. make it fun so he can see the benefits of having a friend around. More fun than it would be if it was just you.

You might break the cycle and he might 'get it' a bit more. You want him to see what fun he an have with other children.

fattybum · 14/12/2012 22:09

My ds1 was like this, and not just with other kids, would show off with adults too! Very embarrassing and hard work and definitely put me off socialising. He's now 6.6 years old and much better, no problem with other kids at all.

Think it just comes with age. Try not to let it get you down.

GreatUncleEddie · 14/12/2012 22:13

Because he is excited and showing off. You have to tell him that you will go home if he does it, and then you have to follow through. He will stop.

exoticfruits · 14/12/2012 22:33

It is exciting- he has an audience! I agree with GreatUncleEddie- tell him calmly, and matter of factly that you will take him home if he doesn't play nicely. Explain that he will get one warning and then you will take him home. It will be annoying for you because you will have to follow through. Just do it and keep calm- don't let him try and negotiate with promises after the second time- just go. It will pay off- if he knows you mean it he will stop. (He won't if you are not consistent and he thinks he can wheedle a change of mind)

Original poster

berri · 15/12/2012 00:30

Ok - will take the advice to just take him home, and just make sure I do it, no matter how hard it's going to be to turn up at someone's house and then just leave again! But I think it might be the only way. Oh well only another 4 months until I can have a vat bottle of wine!

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 15/12/2012 07:32

It will be hard but worth it.
When you have to take him home don't labour the point or punish him further. Just sound terribly bored and don't give him a way to lever his way into a discussion-stick to a 'broken record' statement, said with mild surprise 'I told you we would go home if you didn't play properly'.He will then start to see it as an inevitability and if he wants to stay he will amend his behaviour.
It may take some time-but you will relax and get the wine in the end!

NapaCab · 15/12/2012 18:06

Maybe you should try him with one-on-one playdates for a while and see if he copes better with less of an audience? It could be he's overwhelmed by the group situation and getting over-excited so he starts to act up. Invite just one friend over for a playdate and slowly build up to 2 or 3 kids at a time and see if he improves.

I'm no expert by the way as my son is only 14 months but I have noticed that he gets hyper in group situations too. I will probably be in your position in a couple of years' time so am trying to think ahead

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