Dd thinks I favour her brother

[Imlostwithoutahope]

She's said it tonight and I don't know if its a reaction to her being told off or if she does genuinely feel that way.

She's 8 and ds is 6. They are both different temperaments. Dd is very stubborn, forthright and independent. Ds is quieter, moodier and easily upset. I love both equaly but due to different likes/ dislikes I spend time doing different things with each of them. For example ds being gentler likes cuddling, if I ask dd if she would like a cuddle she says no, on the other hand dd and i like the same program's so we will cuddle up on the settee whereas ds will be busy playing alone. So in my head I feel I treat both equally.

Tonight they were playing then ds started saying dd liked a babies program, I told her there was nothing wrong with the program and I also liked it so told her to ignore ds who was being silly. Next thing ds is crying because dd had hit him. When I told her off for hitting she pulled a scowl so I told them both to go to bed and stop arguing. Dd then shouts out that I love ds more and always take his side in arguments, I tell dd that I will tell who ever is misbehaving off, she said but when it's ds all you say is 'stop it' when it's me I always have to have time out. Now this is probably true because she keeps hitting out at ds and so does get punished more because i have told her time and time again not to hit in anger/ spite but to let me know. i do tell ds off for saying things and will also send him to time out to think about what he's saying.
Obviously the way she feels is the way she feels but what I don't know is how I can help her see that it's not favouritism but how I discipline is a result of the misbehaviour and maturity levels or maybe I am being unfair on her.
Can anyone offer some advice?

It sounds like you are already combatting this. Plenty of attention for both and as individuals, you just have to be seen to be as even handed as possible. If you tick one off about something and the other is as culpable, make sure the other gets told off too. In our house if the DCs couldn't "play nicely" (and this applied when they were 15 and 12 as well as 5 and 2!), they both had to clear up, stop watching tv, come off the computer.

As parents we didn't physically admonish them so I was quick to stamp out any hitting or shoving from either or both of them. I wonder what sets your daughter off? The curse of being the oldest is being told, "You're the oldest, you should know better/set an example, blah blah". Of course the fact that a younger sibling is provoking, into stuff, able to emit a loud enough squeal to get parents involved can be lost in the aftermath.

No wonder people in later life still bear grudges about perceived favouritism, it really rankles!

Btw, if DD now knows that you rise to the bait when she accuses you of favouritism, and discuss and reassure, in a way she is diverting attention from the original cause of conflict. I do believe in being straight with children, stay reasonable, fair and consistent, but sometimes it's tempting to respond with a brisk no-nonsense "That's not true and you know it".

Just out of interest, did you have siblings when growing up, did you have any similar thoughts? If so how did your parent(s) handle this?

I think it sounds like you do a good job of trying to do things to involve them both but your DD has a point re the time out - it kind of looks (from your description of what happened tonight) as if DS knows how to push his sister's buttons so that she will hit out and get punished even if it's because he's said stuff to upset her. Maybe you should try giving time out to him when he says things to upset her - that way she knows that you stick up for her if he is upsetting her too. I agree you need to stop her using it as something to draw attention away too. Also, you need to avoid "labeling" them with behaviors - you describe your DS as "gentler" because he still cuddles when asked - but he's younger so it's not surprising and dd still cuddles up to you. If you think of him as "gentle" and her not then it will be more difficult to give them the same discipline, after all the "gentler" one doesn't need as much discipline. I'm one of 5 and we were all close in age and my mum dealt with this by always making us apologise to each other before she let us do anything else, and she wouldn't let us play etc until it was done. Your dd is at an age where she wouldn't hit for no reason - it's probably because of frustration from name-calling etc. Maybe if you see him say something to upset her next time you ask him to apologise and if he doesn't then time out?

Words can hurt as much as hitting, more in fact. Perhaps she sees that she hits and gets TO and he calls names and doesn't. You can, however, tell her she will always have strict consequences because hitting is always wrong.

I think "you're favouring him" is a common cry for children. My 3 dc have all used it about each other at various points. "You love her much more" is another one.
The older ones feel cross when the younger is perceived with getting away lighter, the younger ones feel cross when the older ones get later bedtimes/more freedom etc.

If it helps, I have had the opposite. Dd2 will wind ds up with little gestures and mouthed words until he (3 years younger) hits her. She will continue this through being told to stop. They both get sent to their rooms. Dd2 says this is favouritsm because she "wasn't really doing anything"
On the other end of the scale (using dd2 as the example because she's the middle one) she says it isn't fair and I'm favouring dd1 (3 years older) because her lights out time is 30 minutes later.

My db often shouted out that everyone else was favoured. He still would probably say this. Only problem is that everyone else knows that he got away with murder, and so much was skewed round him. This meant that if it wasn't skewed round him he thought he was discriminated against. I remember the time I was asked to share out some chocolates between the family. I sat there with 5 bowls going "one for you one for you..." He took one look and ran shouting for dm "Dsis isn't sharing out the chocolates fairly." Dm: "What's she doing?" "She's giving me the same amount as everyone else." He was most put out when the entire family fell about laughing.

Thanks all for the advice. I guess she prob does have a point because I'm telling her to ignore ds name calling but then when she reacts and hits him/pokes tongue out etc she gets told off for reacting(I think she should've just ignored him and not reacted hence why she gets punished) however I can see from the above that actually the name calling is just as bad and yes maybe ds is doing it deliberately to get her to react. Do you think in situations such as this I should punish both equally and therefore both get time out.
I've tried the apologising to each other but it's said and never meant and then I end up in another battle about saying it like you mean it way!

Donkey- I have a db the same gap as dd and ds :) we argued at varying stages of growing up but my parents I feel treated us equally, I did tend to take on a supervisory role and boss him about and he acted like the normal annoying younger brother. As we both grew up he got an easier life and I joke preferential treatment because I wasn't allowed boys to stay over but yet as he reached the same age he was allowed girls and now he is closer to my parents than I. However it's never caused an issue and I am close to both parents and also have a good/close relationship with him. I'm old enough to see he is closer to my parents as they share the same interests and he was allowed girls because he was a boy and my parents weren't so precious first born by then:)

I had a pesky younger sister Imlost no prizes for guessing your post triggered memories! .

With my own 2 I tried to be even handed. Perhaps it's quite common. Here's another one my friends and my family observed: wait for when they calculate how much money's been spent! Sounds really mercenary and I swear we didn't bring them up to be materialistic. They retain figures and expenditure for years. Some of it is triggered by their peers I like to think.