Apologies first for namechanging but I'd hate anyone in RL to recognise me. I am at my wit's end with DD2 to the extent that I really do not like her at times. She is 9yo, and to everyone outside the house she is lovely, occasionally a bit over chatty and silly but generaly a nice girl. However, those people don't ever have to say "no" which is where the trouble starts.
Tonight she had a total meltdown over bedtime - sorry it's long here's the background: I took her and younger sister (5yo) upstairs, and gave her the choice of a story or carrying on with whatever drawing she was doing - she chose the drawing, and I said I'd be in later to say goodnight. Read story to 5yo and tucked her in, gave DD2 about half an hour then went up to say goodnight. Thought all was remarkably calm, she kissed me goodnight and wandered over to the bed. Half hour later, she moseys downstairs - I ask what she's doing and why she's out of bed.
The behaviour: WW3 breaks out, she told me that I had ignored her and she hadn't had a story, why was I selfish etc etc. I pointed out that she had chosen colouring instead, got the saarcastic "err, no, that's not a STORY are you STUPID you must be an IDIOT that's Col-OUR-ING not STO-RY can't you tell the difference". I refused to be drawn into an argument, kept repeating quietly that she had chosen and she had to accept the answer "no". OK, it would have perhaps taken 20 mins max to read a chapter of her book, but surely that is just teaching her that if you whine you get what you want? She then wanted the hot water bottle out of her sister's bed, when I told her no as it was her sister's one, she accused me of liking her sister more (she could have asked for her own hot water bottle, newer and chosen by herself, she just wanted her sister's one out of spite). She then slapped me round the face, and started slapping my arms, then shoving me. I walked downstairs saying that I wouldn't argue, that she should just go to bed. Red rag to a bull, more hitting and shoving. She went up to bed, whimpered for a while very loudly, then came down to say sorry and started arguing that it was too early for bed because ALL my friends stay up until 9 on a school night and you are an IRRESPONSIBLE PARENT for letting my little sister stay up until 7.30 if SHE has gone to bed an hour later than she should then I am staying up for another hour. She has just now gone up a second time after I told her that she would lose some pocket money if she did not go straight to bed (you are so MEAN and always think about yourself and NOONE ELSE)
FFS when does this end and how do I stop this? REfusing to argue back and just quietly stating what has to happen doesn't work. Sanctions don't work - we have tried banning TV time, taking a cuddly toy out of her room each time she argues, grounding her - none have stopped this. Maybe it's just raging hormones but if she's like this now WTF will she be like when puberty starts?
Tried searching online but most of the behaviour stuff that comes up taks about toddlers. Help please!