Help! 8 month old DS hates MIL

[LoveInAColdClimate]

I have no idea how to resolve this and it is so sad for MIL and DH. DS is the cuddliest, friendliest baby who will go to anyone - except MIL. As soon as he's handed to her or she picks him up his little face crumples and he starts howling. It's also inconvenient as she's our geographically closest relative and it would be lovely if she could occasionally look after DS for a few hours but that isn't really an option with the screaming that results from any contact. Any ideas on how to encourage him to be happy with her? At present I take him back and reassure him when he starts crying - should I harden my heart and let him cry for a minute so he sees that nothing bad happens when she holds him? He just gets so distressed, though, that I'm not sure that will work. Any ideas? TIA.

Does she wear strong perfume or other scents? It may be that he doesn't like that, rather than her.

I doubt he 'hates' her! It may be something as simple as a sensory issue.

Yes, sorry, perhaps "hates" was the wrong term - I'm not sure that at 8 months he has that capacity! I've never noticed a strong scent or anything but perhaps he's picking up on something I'm not. Have no idea what it could be... DH and I have speculated that he's unnerved by something in her manner with him but can't see what - she's a tiny bit manic with him but he normally likes exciting play. We wondered if maybe sometime she'd been holding him when he was very tiny and something happened to scare him (a dog barking or a siren maybe) but can't think of anything, and can't see that he'd remember that far back. Am clueless both as to source and solution...

My DD was like this with FIL from around 5 months to 11 months. Every time he walked in the room, she would scream!

We ultimately did nothing. You can't force him on her, it will make her more distressed. But you can make being around her 'normal'.

We got FIL to come to our house so it was in more familiar territory in her own surroundings and not FIL's house.

FIL also did a good job of ignoring her. sounds harsh, but it did work and dd became more intrigued by him then because she wasn't getting attention.

We also showed her pictures of him on the computer alongside other pics of other family members. Just to get her used to his face!

Does she wear glasses? A hat? We found dd got worse if FIL had his hat on!

Eventually she got used to him and now you can't keep them apart.

Hope this helps

Oh yes - sometimes it's an item of clothing that sets them off. DD would wail if she saw DH in his high-viz cycling jacket

Don't force them, let it come naturally. It will. Maybe MIL should spend more time getting down on his level and playing, instead of trying to hold him?

My DD is 5 months and is like this with my DM. She has to observe DM from a diastance for a while before she can go anywhere near her. Could you get DMIL to sit and smile/coo from a distance before picking up?

Thanks, everyone - it actually helps knowing it's not just us! No unusual items of clothing that I can think of - maybe we have been a bit swift in handing him over before and need more gentle adjustment time. Will persevere but feel reassured just by the fact that it's not a unique problem. Thanks again.

Is he crawling? If so rather than plonking him on her put him on the floor with toys and let him come to her. It isnt personal dd1 was like this with lots of people on and off. He can probably sense that you are tense also which wont help.

Hi. We have exactly the same thing! Dd is also 8 months. What i think is my mil is a smoker and she knows i hate the smell so covers it up with strong perfume! Yuk. She has recently started not smoking in the hours before seeing dd and this has helped.
Also she used to be quite ott and want to cuddle and hold dd all the time and since i told her to back off a bit things have been much better. She basically half ignores dd now for the first ten mins and that helps. She even took dd out at weekend for the first time!!!

Oooh, good idea re getting him to crawl to her - and might eventually summon up the courage to ask her to time it down and be calmer but she's very sensitive and I'm worried she would (a) be really upset and (b) tone it down to the point where DS was scared of the weird silent, still woman hiding in the corner... thanks so much, everyone. As I said, really helps just knowing it's not just us.