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Strategies for my gentle giant of a ds?

11 replies

sarimillie · 30/11/2012 13:05

My son is six, but is the tallest in his class. He is kind, sociable and has good friends; he's also on good terms with everyone. Just recently, though, he has told me that too many games - whether with his age group or his siblings' friends from younger years - are ending up with him being wrestled to the ground, sometimes by a group of kids.

He doesn't like it, but doesn't seem able to get this across effectively. He has only once retaliated once, wrestling the other child back, and apologised straight away. The other kid was shocked (although he said it didn't really hurt, that might have been bravado) and so was ds - he was tearful for the rest of the day. He knows that he's stronger than the other kids, and I suspect that's why he doesn't fight back physically.

What I don't understand is why he doesn't tell them properly to stop - they're good kids, and have all learned to stop if someone says they don't like it. He says he does ask them to stop, and I believe him, but he needs to do it with more conviction. He just seems to want to keep the peace at all costs, but he does say it's upsetting him. I don't want him to fight back physically, and nor does he, but there must be a good way to handle this! I stop all wrestling when I see it, as do the TAs at school as a matter of policy, but we're not always standing over them.

Can anyone help with ideas on what may be behind this kind of behaviour, and strategies to help him stop this scenario recurring?

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MolotovCocktail · 30/11/2012 14:16

IME, it's a power thing; a way of establishing a pecking order, so to speak.

Your DS is a tall lad, and gentle to boot. It's an easy way for the other kids to assert power and show their dominance as ones nearer to the top of your group.

If I were you, I'd be encouraging your son to develop a nice, load BARK to warn them off even before they try to do it. Help him to nip this in the bud now, before he risks falling prey to real bullies when he's older. Don't be afraid of letting him give a shove back ... although give precedence to the warning bark as I fully understand that te more aggress tact might not be for you or your son.

Good luck.

MolotovCocktail · 30/11/2012 14:19

Sorry, some shoddy type-o's there (using an iPhone). I hope that my post made sense.

Top of 'the' group

A nice 'loud' bark

'aggressive' tact

sarimillie · 30/11/2012 14:52

Thank you, Molotov - that sounds like a doable strategy.

And you picked up on my anxiety that this, if left unchecked, might lead to a less manageable situation.

We shall have a chat, and decide on a suitable BARK! And also when to weigh in with a swift shove back - that wouldn't be totally alien to me, at least, but it (luckily) isn't his instinctive reaction.

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sarimillie · 30/11/2012 15:00

Hmm, re-reading that I wonder if an instinctive shove back might actually have been a luckier instinct to have, in the circs, than his own instinct to smooth things over!

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WankbadgersBreakfast · 30/11/2012 15:05

I was a titchy little thing that often got piled onto because, like your ds, I wanted to just smooth it over without getting hurt.

Mum taught me to project my voice- so not shouting or yelling, but like actors do, and say "Get OFF of me! STOP."

Also, might work if he learnt to use his elbows effectively. Very hard to pile-on if there's an elbow in your guts- also less violent if he's worried about hurting people.

MolotovCocktail · 30/11/2012 15:56

I was picked on because of my height ... Well, I say 'because of' but this isn't strictly true. Bullies will use anything against you, and once you start to believe it, they have their hook.

Anyway, I was a very gentle little girl whose instinct was never to shout or hit back. It did me no favours and eroded my self esteem badly. Physical tip-taps turned into nastier 'play', and eventually into taunting.

I'm advising on the basis of what it's taken me 25 years to learn. If I could go back and talk to Little Molotov, that's what I'd say to her.

I sincerely hope that you and son successfully navigate your way through this. You seem like a loving, sensitive and supportive Mum, so he's got a head-start already.

MolotovCocktail · 30/11/2012 15:58

Brilliant advice from Wankbagders, too what an awesome name!!

Tgger · 30/11/2012 16:12

Reading with interest in case DS gets this problem. Also very tall. Just out of interest how tall is your DS?

sarimillie · 30/11/2012 21:10

Thank you all so much. We had a good chat tonight, and have decided to adopt Wankbadger's phrase as the "bark", plus elbows as backup.

I am struck by both Wankbadger's and Molotov's willingness to take this seriously, and suggestion to get it nipped in the bud. i am sorry you both had to learn to tackle this kind of thing the hard way -I do feel like I have a headstart on this as a result of your generosity. And ds seems happier now we have a clear plan. Tgger - he's nearly seven and 4'5". How old is your dc?

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Tgger · 30/11/2012 21:40

So... about 134cm? Mine is a year younger, so just turned 6 and about 126cm I think- haven't measured properly for a while. So will probably be about your son's size next year. Also tallest in class, would fit in with year group older in height terms at least.

sarimillie · 30/11/2012 21:48

They sound very similar Smile

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