Any tips on dealing with a 4.4yo who is hysterical about going to school?

[eggsfloursugarbutter]

Have nc as don't want to out myself.

DS started school in September and was fine at first (they were only doing half days), but a while after they started doing full days, he started to get very upset about going. It went on for a while, with me burying my head in the sand and just hoping it would get a bit better (it did slightly), but then for some unknown reason, he got worse again.

All the other children happily walk in from the gate, while I have to take him right up to the door of the cloakroom, usually with him in tears.

Today was particularly bad. He has been off school this week with a bad cough and cold and today is his first day back. He cried on and off from when he got up until we left the house, and then cried all the way to school - so much so that he started choking and being sick, and doing that funny breathing thing that people do when they are really upset. I tried being kind, giving him a cuddle and explaining that he would be fine, bribing him with a new (small) toy after school, telling him to be brave etc, but then when that didn't work, I tried being firm and telling him that he had to go and that he needed to stop crying as he was making it worse. I told him I was getting really cross and at one point I even said that I would phone Father Christmas and tell him not to bring any presents, to which DS said that he doesn't care. He says he doesn't want any presents, he just wants to go home . Everyone was staring at us outside the school, and it has just really got to me.

I am 26 weeks pregnant and very stressed out by this - I burst in to tears as soon as I left the school.

I have spoken to the school, the GP and the school nurse. The GP and nurse were very understanding and put it down to him being young for the year, it being a big school and perhaps the fact that I am pregnant. They have also said that he is obviously an anxious child and that they will keep an eye on him in case there are any underlying factors.

The school have been wonderful - they spoke to an educational psychologist who suggested that he share a one-to-one TA with another child in the class to build his confidence, and have put in place visual timetables for him so that he knows what is happening throughout the day.

The problem that I have is that I have no idea how to deal with situations like this morning - nothing that I try seems to work, and no amount of stickers or bribery helps. I need to find a way of calming him down when he is like that - I've tried getting him to count to ten or deep breaths but they don't work either.

DH says he will "speak to him tonight" but he is absolutely useless and wants to tell DS that he will get taken away the police if he doesn't go to school. I think this is ludicrous and a lie - as well as just giving him one more thing to be anxious about.

I need to find a consistent way of dealing with this.

Has anyone else had a similar situation or got any good tips for me?

Oh, poor little boy. .

Please, please don't threaten him. He doesn't even have to be in school until he is 5. He sounds completely out of his depth and very scared.

Could he not just go half days until he is 5?

He is obviously just not ready for school.

Ds1 was like this - luckily we moved house and he didn't start school until just after his 5th birthday. What a difference a few months made to his maturity and confidence.

We make children start school far too early in this country.

I know you are pregnant and stressed, but switching from one approach to another is only going to make him feel more upset.

As for your DH - well - words fail me.

Don't threaten him - you need to encourage him!

Has he got any friends you could get to know better outside of school...and then going to school you can say, "How exciting you'll be with Oscar / Sam etc".

Follow the advice the school are giving.

Good luck.

youngminds.org were very helpful when dd had this problem
we ended up home educating after she had been a school refuser at 2 schools. Then found a school where the Head understood anxiety etc. I went to school with dd for a couple of months, after about 4 months she was cured. The Head based the 'treatment' on dd ALWAYS having an escape route to a safe place when the anxiety was unbearable. At a guess (not assuming I'm right) it's the combination of too much too young at school and being replaced by new baby. Stongly agree - do not threaten him. Call young minds
good luck!

I know - I would never set out with the intention of threatening him, but I have tried for nearly 3 months to encourage him and reward him with no real progress. This morning I think I just felt that I needed to try a different approach - almost like a verbal "slap in the face" to get him to calm down as he was so so upset and cuddles etc weren't working.

I agree that he is too young and not ready for school, but the school seem to think that he will be ok with the extra help (it only came into play last week, and he has been off all this week, so still early days).

He doesn't really talk much about what children he plays with at school. We went to a birthday party and he wouldn't let me leave his side - refused to play with the others and join in any games. When I went to get a drink, he started crying hysterically. He just seems to have no confidence at all.

I just need to find a way of increasing his confidence and getting him to relax and calm down in these situations.

I just don't seem to know what the right thing is to do .

Thanks Julia I will have a look at that website. I think it's a similar thing that the school are trying for DS. Although, rather than having me there, they have the TA who is his "go to" person, almost like a surrogate mum. I think if he can start to build a good relationship with her then it will help. The problem I think is that we have had half term, then we had a long weekend holiday, then the school was closed for a day and now he has been off sick. So he hasn't really had the chance to get into a routine. The same thing happened when he was at pre-school - it took ages for him to settle, but then he did and everything was fine. The school nurse thinks the same thing will happen here, but that it could take up to a year.....

I think you actually need to back off from him a little bit. Be gentle but firm at the school gate. Don't smother him with cuddles - and definitely don't try to bribe him with the prospect of a toy after school. All you're doing is teaching him that if he makes a big fuss then you'll buy him things.

At DD3's school they discourage parents from going OTT like that; a brief hug & kiss goodbye, then if the child is being too clingy generally the teacher or TA will come over and take the child, encouraging the parent to walk away.

It may seem harsh, but for his sake you have to be firm and just walk away, otherwise he won't have any reason to learn to be independent.

I disagree that kids start school too early; they start at just the same age as they did when I was at school. I think there are a lot of "helicopter parents" who indulge their children's clinginess too much and aren't doing their kids any favours by doing so though. The more you let him drag things out at the school gate, the bigger it will all seem and the more reason he'll have to play up about it. You need to treat it as something routine and matter-of-fact.

I had a similar problem with ds1, with preschool, when hewas nearly 4 and I was heavily pregnant with ds2.

He just did not want to be away from me. Everything was changing in his world and it was unbearable for him. He also made himself sick, there was a lovely teacher at the preschool who kept him on her lap, sobbing, for however long it took but he was not happy and I'd have taken him out if notfor everyone I knew insisting I kept him there and made him struggle through it.

All my instincts said take him home. Anyway just after ds2 was born I took him out - it was not worth the stress for him or for any of us.

I was afraid he'd never adjust to normal school but by that autumn he was ready to stroll into big school unconcerned...he was happy...it had just been the fact I was pregnant and he was worried.

Everyone was wrong that he would never start school unless I made him do preschool.

He has panic issues now, still, at 9, I think because of my making him go to preschool. That's something I will ALWAYS regret.

In your situation I'd be asking the school to keep his place open so he could start again in the summer or maybe at Easter. Please don't let your H threaten him with the police. He is scared enough and it sounds like it's already become a proper trauma for him, and sets off a panic attack type of experience.

I understand your struggle. I totally do. But my guess is once the baby is here and everything is settled, he will be FINE.

Thinking of you and good luck...it'll be ok, but he does need you to listen to him and understand how frightened he is. Separation anxiety can be huge and it tends to get worse if you push them through it.

He's too young
I'm sorry, that's not helpful I know. He should be learning through play, napping after lunch in a kindergartent not in a class of 30 in a formal learning environment.

The school sounds very helpful - good for them.

Your Dh, on the other hand, does not. For heaven's sake, don't let him say anything like that to your poor ds!!!! The poor boy is obviously scared of school.

Have you tried having friends round for play dates? The your ds will know kids from outside school and this should make him more confident.

bTW - just in case it helps, I sent ds2 to school in January, not september like his friends - I just didn't think he was ready, physically, though he would probably have coped. And he is not behind. He settled really well when he went.

You've really nothing to lose by taking him out for another term or so. If it were occasional protests or tears I'd say, well see how you go, gently does it - but every day hysteria is a serious message that he isn't coping with it.

I think you'd be really wise to listen to him, and make it clear you're taking his fear seriously, so that it doesn't become even more entrenched like it did with my poor lad.

(not in any way having a go at you - I know the pressure is immense and you're already doing your absolute best)

ArkadyRose - I generally do tend to be quite stand-offish with him at school. My normal routine is march him to the door, give him a quick firm cuddle and a kiss, and hand him over to the TA. The only reason I was giving him cuddles this morning is because he was so hysterical that I needed to try something to calm him down.

RooneyMara - thanks for your post. I think the pregnancy issue is part of the problem, but I don't think it's the main issue. He was exactly the same when he started preschool, but then after a while he was fine. I wasn't pregnant then.

It's interesting what you say about your pre-school issue - when DS was 18 months old, I put him into a nursery one day a week as I wanted to go back to work, but wanted to try and settle him in first. It was exactly the same - he loved it at first, but then once he realised that it was a regular occurence, he started getting really upset at being left. He would cling onto my leg so I couldn't leave, and then on several occassions they had to ring me to go and collect him as he wouldn't stop crying. In the end I took him out because it was absolutely heartbreaking to leave him like that. I wonder whether or not that experience has "scarred" him? Or perhaps there is a hereditary factor - I am a very anxious person myself, and have been since childhood. As is my mum, and her mum was too.

I really don't want to take him out of school as they have said that on "good days" he really enjoys himself, and he tells me that he likes doing numbers, letters and sounds and playtime - he just doesn't like assembly.

God, it's so difficult to know what to do isn't it.

I don't know about scarring. I'm sure that ds1 is anxious because of my leaving him - butthen I was anxious already, I'm the sameas you in thatway - I was a very anxious child and had school issues myself from about 8 or 9.

Ds2 seems to have barely any anxiety, while ds1 will panic fairly easily - he thinks I've disappeared sometimes, races round the house becoming increasingly hysterical, eventually finding me in the garden, or bedroom, or somewhere he didn't think to look. It's very irrational but getting gradually better.

I think it sounds like he might benefit from another few weeks or months at home with you, and some contact with other children from school at the same time, I don't know - but I don't think he or you will lose anything if he stops school for a little while.

Or even goes back to part time? Would they consider this? It's great that he can enjoy it on a good day. Sounds like the actual separation is the hardest partt for him but there's no real way around that unless he is taken out and reassured for a few weeks, or sent in part days so he feels better about it.

Could you ask the teacher to give him an "important" job to do when he arrives.
DS went through a stage in year 1 when he was not happy about going in. Teacher let him in early to sharpen all the pencils.

Sorry, my space key is a bit crap.

Mine starts next year and I know he's going to be like this, he has no confidence despite all the encouragement in the world like you.
I'd your dh to lay off the threats, it's going to cause more anxiety. I'd pull him back to half days and work with the school on it.
I hope it gets easier xxx

Don't worry - as soon as DH said that, I told him categorically that he was not to say that. He is not a horrible person - he is a loving, caring dad, but he just has no clue on how to discipline children. He is very "old school" and thinks that shouting etc will keep children in line, probably because that's the way he was brought up. I think I need to send him to a parenting class or something because he doesn't listen to me and says that I take a too "softly, softly" approach and that he doesn't think that works.

I would like to have some of his friends round, but because it's always really hectic at drop off and pick up, I don't get the chance to speak to anyone for long and I don't have anyone's phone number. We are also in the middle of having some building work done on the house so it's not ideal to invite people over. I am hoping that once that's finished I can try and accost some of the mums for their phone numbers to arrange something .

I will have a think about perhaps taking him out for a while, but there are only a few weeks left til the end of term, and I don't want to send him back just as the baby is born, as I think that will make him feel like he has been kicked out to school to make room for the baby.

I think I will sit down with him and have a chat later. The thing is, when he comes out of school, he is absolutely full of beans and excitable and doesn't really want to talk.

Yes I see what you mean though mine was happy to go when ds2 was about 2-3 months old - I think he was quite glad to escape from his little bro, and everything at home was so much more calm and settled by then.

I am thinking more and more that the half days thing might be your best option.

Let us know if you like, how it goes. I'd be interested to hear if you manage to work something out.

Your poor DS. How is he once you leave him? Does the teacher say? If he continues to cry all day then I don't really have any advice I'm afraid. But if he calms down and enjoys school, then I would say it is the anxiety about leaving you that is causing him such upset. DD1 is like this (for very good reason). I do as you do - brief kiss, goodbye and then leg it. But I give her a little amber heart I have to keep for the day. It is a coping strategy for children who have been bereaved, but perhaps it will help your little boy? DD1 has my little amber heart and keeps it close to her all day. When I pick her up, she gives it back to me. Perhaps you can find something that your DS can keep with him to remind him of you during the day? I also think consistency is key - but I do know how tough that can be when there are so many things interrupting the routine - holidays, sickness, etc.

Thanks RooneyMara - it's helpful just to speak to someone who has been in a similar situation. I don't know how I would even stand about taking him out. The school is massively oversubscribed and we were lucky to get a place. I know he doesn't legally have to be there until he is 5, but would they keep the place open? I'm also not 100% sure that it would help - I just think he is generally a panicky child, and even at 5 I'm pretty sure we would be having the same problem.

bruffin - I think they did that at the start, but now he has a special chair to sit on with the TA so I think that helps.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter - sorry to hear you are facing a similar situation. Hopefully this thread will give you some ideas to pre-empt any anxiety. I often wonder why it is that some children are more like this than others - are they born like it, is it because of something I've done/not done?

Have just spoken to DH on the phone - he's not going to threaten him with anything and he agrees that we need to just talk to him and let him know that we understand.

The school is legally obliged to keep his place till the last term in yR - I'm thinking he'll be 5 in the summer? Yes they have to keep it.

We applied in the usual year and I told the hT I'd be sending ds either in January or after Easter. She wasn't happy and faffed about over it a bit but I knew she had no choice (the legalities changed last year - so you're Ok - she just didn't like to advertise it as more hassle for the school!)

Anyway they have to keep the place open till the child's 5 or just before he's 5, if his birthday is in the summer. Ds2's is in June.

They don't have to keep it till yr1 though - he'll have to start (again) before the end of yR or they will be allowed to offer it elsewhere. (ours is hugely oversubbed too)

Think it over, they'd probably prefer to go with a reversion to P/T, half days etc, than let him go completely for a few months. And it might do the job really well - especially if he is simply very tired, and needs an afternoon nap or wind-down to recharge.

Rinders - They have said that he has good and bad days. Sometimes he cries on and off all day, usually when there is a change to the routine, but since they have introduced the visual timetables/one-to-one, he has been a lot better and is only a bit upset in the morning. It's a good idea about giving him something - I will have a think about it. My situation seems so trivial compared to what you have been through. Glad to hear that your DD can find some comfort in her special amber heart

I need to go out now but I will check back in later on. Thanks for all the advice so far - very helpful and reassuring

'2.16 Admission of children below compulsory school age and deferred entry to school - Admission authorities must provide for the admission of all children in the September following their fourth birthday. The authority must make it clear in their arrangements that:
a) parents can request that the date their child is admitted to school is deferred until later in the academic year or until the term in which the child reaches compulsory school age, and
b) parents can request that their child takes up the place part-time until the child reaches compulsory school age.'

From page 21, Here

Whatever the reason this is clearly too much for him.

He is very young. He can still go part time for a few months which is what he coped with before.

I don't have time to write much but I sent DD2 part time for six months despite the school no approving. It was absolutely the right thing to do. They still develop quickly at 4 years old. Maybe he needs more time.

Go with your instincts.