Self-centred, fighty, completely non-empathetic 6 year old DD - help and reassurance?

[tootsietoo]

My DD1 is 6 and right now I am not liking her much at all. She's been really really vile quite a lot in the past few months. She seems to have no ability to empathise with other people at all, and she seems angry and fights things such a lot of the time. Her teacher has noted that she doesn't seem to form friendships at school, although she said she does play with other children and generally seems happy. She has been described in her reception school report as "occasionally domineering". Punishments seem to have no effect at all. She is exceptionally bright, and loves working - about the only way to keep her happy at the moment is to set her going on a maths or literacy task. However, although her reading is technically good, she is not progressing so much now as she has no real interest in the stories. She is very black and white and doesn't seem to care about what they mean.

Re-reading all that makes it sound as if she could be at the very mild end of the autism spectrum (although I know little about this) but I tend to feel that she just has a very tough personality. She has shown these tendencies literally since the day she was born.

I would love to hear from other parents with children with these personality traits. And what are your strategies for dealing with them? I am at a loss, and feel as if I must have been dealing with her wrongly the way things are going at the moment.

"Fights things" is better than fighting classmates, punishments for what exactly? Cheek? Not following teacher's orders? Or do you mean parental discipline.

If she is bored with the school reading books can you help her choose and buy a book, how about joining a local library if she's careful not to trash them?

Does she do much by way of exercise to burn off energy? Does she have a bike, does your family go swimming? Could she try gymnastics or trampolining, individual things if she's not good at teamwork, or something like football she can join to get used to working with others?

Have you thought about her diet, too much sugar, not enough vitamins?
Is she getting sufficient quiet time, does she get enough sleep?

Do you model the behaviour you expect from her yourself? Are you non judgy, calm and empathetic yourself? Not suggesting for a moment that you're not, or that the cause has to be you, but it's easier to change your behaviour than hers.
You mention that she likes tasks and is very black and white in her thinking- can you read with her and discuss some books about people? 7 habits of happy kids is very clear and binary, but has excellent discussion notes for parents. And the 7 habits for teenagers, although much if it is outside her age range would give you some useful tools too.

Thank you so much, good to have some feedback. will look at that book help yourself.

Thanks Donkeys. More sleep is a definite goal, and more exercise (although she does a fair bit). Diet is good because I make a huge effort there because she is bordering on overweight. In fact preventing her from eating too much/bad stuff is often a trigger for her anger. Punishments are generally for rudeness and grumpiness which are often a total over-reaction to a situation where she hasn't got control/hasn't got her own way. But she rationalises them so quickly. When I stopped her from doing a favourite weekend activity, within an hour she'd decided that the alternative was better and she has not wanted to go since!

I do my best to be non judgey, calm and empathetic, so much easier said than done!

Thank you so much for replying, just thinking through typing the OP helped my thoughts about the situation.

Sorry I didn't have any books to recommend like helpyourself suggested. From her (assumption! his?) comments only a passing thought but I wondered whether you or DD's dad had any similar traits when you were of a similar age, have you asked your parents?

Btw is DD an only child, is she used to holding her own against siblings or back in the day, playgroup friends?

I'm not an expert but have noticed sometimes when we want rein a child in a bit it actually helps to challenge them more.

If your DD is quite a strong, forceful personality it doesn't mean she can't be a kind soul at heart just not one to sit docilely or follow orders passively. I wonder how she gets on with older children if she is too "full on" for her peers?

Re the empathy thing- do you talk about people's feelings? If she is slightly autistic then she won't be able to help some of her behaviour and it might explain it, but as you say equally she may just be not that developed re emotional awareness etc yet. So.. talking a bit more about feelings in a general way might help- you could see if she can empathise but doesn't or actually can't empathise.

What's her sleep like as others say? An hour more sleep a day and she may be a much nicer child?

What are family dynamics like at the moment? It's so easy to fall into roles- eg naughty child, and then hard to break the pattern sometimes.

They are all different, some mature a bit at 5/6 and others not so much until 7/8. Just I can see you want happier times.... can you take the attention off her bad behaviour a bit- hmmmmmmm struggling here.....

Thank you again all.

We talk and talk and talk some more to her about her behaviour just lately. It is too much, so are trying to do the positive praise too! This weekend we suggested that she stops and counts to 10 when she starts to feel cross, and then thinks about what the other people around her are thinking or saying. (We even ended up having a debate about whether to count to 2 o 5 or 10, she ended up compromising on 2 - aaaaargh!).

Donkeys, she does seem to be better with older children, perhaps because she will give way to them a bit and they don't put up with the crap! Doesn't help that she is a September 5th birthday and so the oldest and biggest in her class.

Oh yes, the worst thing about the whole parenting thing is that when things are not going well you just see your worst traits reflected right back at you! She definitely gets plenty of this from our genes. It's just we have had nearly 40 years to learn to rein it in!

Hi again, funny you should mention "positive praise" - I was thinking back to punishments, when it gets to the point it's like water off a duck's back, it may be time to try something different.

It's been suggested many times on MN but how about starting a star chart? DD could stick a star on it each day every time she is praised for doing something good or kind and for being polite and considerate! Decide what you want to give her if she achieves a set target of stars in one day. One-on-one time with you or DH for example - a walk or storytime or playing hairdressers or whatever.

You've mentioned Autism yourself and you've listed a lot of traits which, as a parent of two girls with Asperger's, I really recognise.

I think you should probably read about Asperger's, especially how it presents in girls, and ask yourself if your DD is presenting as being a bit more than just on the very mild end the spectrum. Look on Tony Attwood's website and read what he says about girls with Asperger's. They do not present like classic autism and their symptoms often go unidentified for years until something goes disastrously wrong, usually at school.

A lot of the controlling behaviour could be explained by high levels of anxiety due to ASD. If this is the root of her behaviour there are things you can do to help.

Try to keep everyday life in a predictable routine and give her lots of advance notice of changes.

Explain your feelings in response to her actions in a calm way that helps her to understand them.

Reflect her own emotions back at her to help her understand them too.

Explain the actions of other children, especially after fallings out to help her recognise the needs and feelings of others.

Try to use rewards rather than punishments and explain why she is getting the reward each time so she learns about social rules. Make sure that you don't tell her off for being rude when she thought she was simply being honest.

Play games where you practise sharing, turn taking and listening to others to help her understand that others need to have their opinions heard too.

Give her about half an hour of undemanding downtime, like watching tv, when she gets in from school and other busy, socially challenging activities. This should allow her to recharge her batteries and be more polite and reasonable for the rest of the evening.

If she has any sensory difficulties, acknowledge them and try to reduce the things she finds challenging wherever possible.

Forgot to say there is a really good game to play when you're out and about.

Pick random people around you and try to guess how they are feeling and why. You can then model how to make these judgements by explaining them for her.

For example, "That girl sitting with the lady on that table is sad and bored. Can you see how she's looking down and put her head on her hand? I think she has finished her drink and wants to go now. What do you think the lady she's with is thinking? Does she look bored or is she enjoying chatting with the other lady?"

It's a really good way of helping all children evaluated other people's feelings and see how there could be more than one point of view.

Sorry Goldmandra, I've only just come back to this. I really appreciate the ideas, thank you. I will have a look at that website.

I got my six yr old to choose 5 packs of her favourite stickers when shopping. She understood that for the next few weeks every single good deed/act of kindness would be rewarded with a sticker. ( I let her choose where to stick them) if she had 6 or more at the end of the first week she was rewarded with a babychino/milkshake/treat out with Mum or Dad
Definitely turned around her rude/self-centred behaviour at the time.

Must try that again....

Yes, we are getting there a bit now with some stick and a lot of carrot - stars and stickers. Having talked to quite a few people, it seems as if 6 year olds can often be a pita. Perhaps there is a hormone surge or something? Or they are just reaching for some more independence after their first year at school perhaps?