Stammering

[celandine]

Hi. I've wanted to ask people about this for ages but have been a bit embarrassed, but it's so important to me so here goes...

My partner and I both have stammers, quite mild ones although obviously there. It brought us close together when we met because we each understood each other's frustrations and could talk about it openly without embarrassment. Up until moving in with DH 4 years ago my own stammer was very mild and barely noticeable; DH's was bad from childhood, and inevitably mine worsened when we moved in together as our bad speech tendencies fed off each other. We both talk quite fast naturally and stumble over our words frequently (sometimes to our amusement, sometimes frustration), but we can both talk fluently when we really try to slow down. My dad stammers a little, and my 17 year old brother too.

My concern now is that our ds, now nearly 6 months, will also stammer and to be honest the thought terrifies me. I know the pain it can cause and I can't bear the thought of him going through it when he's growing up. My husband was bullied at school because of his stammer and he is very fearful of his own son going through it too. Now he accepts his speech difficulties and it rarely bothers him. For me personally, stammering makes me desperately miserable and embarrassed. I find it very scary meeting up with new people now that I'm a mum because of my stammer and I'm naturally shy anyway, but I've made sure my ds and I have reguarly social contacts, despite being so nervous, cos I want to do the best for him. I have good days and bad days but I never know when each will be. It's just so awful that DH and I both stammer, so unlikely and coincidental, but we love each other very much and desperately want to do the best for our son. Sometimes, when we are having trouble speaking to each other I feel so worried about how it's going to affect DS when he's learning to talk that I even consider the possibilty of eventually moving out of home so that DS won't be in the environment of 2 stammerers. Mine only got noticeable when we moved in together and we make each other worse.

Does anyone have any experiences of an adult or child stammering in the family and if so, do you have any advice to lessen the chance of a child stammering? I don't know what causes stammering, and although I know it runs in families I don't knwo if this is due to environmental factors or genes. I know our ds is a long way off talking but I want to do the best for him from the start.

Thanks for any insights or suggestions you can give to help us. The wonderful thing about the internet is that I can write about it, although I can't speak!!

Hello Celandine

I have changed my name for this because I too have a stammer, but I can't bear for others to realise that I do! So I really admire your honesty in being able to 'speak out' as it were. I wish that I could be as open and honest, but it is driven too deep now within me to be able to really be open about it. You may know the analogy of the iceberg for stammerers - that the tip of the iceberg is what people see and hear, and they don't know any of what goes on below the surface, in the case of a stammerer, all the cringing embarrassment and worry. Did you see that TV programme in the autumn, following the fortunes of 4 people who stammer? Amazing - particularly the Indian girl, who had always hidden her stammer. She reminded me of myself!

Funnily enough I've also recently wondered whether or not my children will stammer. My ds is 6 and it had never occured to me before, but I can remember quite clearly when I was about 7 or 8, my parents telling me to slow down when I spoke, and 'not to stammer' and that is what then caused me to stammer!

When I was in my early 20s, I did some evening classes in London for stammerers, and they taught me to realise that it didn't really matter if people noticed that I stammer a bit. So I have less of a 'block' about it than I used to, but it is not sthg I really want to discuss openly with anyone - prob because I would then feel the pressure when I spoke to them, that they were 'looking' for my stammer.

After that TV programme, I looked on the BBC website, and there were some interesting links, here is one to get you started.

www.bbc.co.uk/health/kids_ailments/stammer.shtml

There seem to be several support groups on the Internet where you can really chat about the problem to those who absolutely know and identify with what you are up against.

I think it's wonderful that you and your partner can share your stammers together. That's fantastic. You know, I've never told my dh that I stammer! - which many might think strange and sad, which it is in a way, but in another way I think that I have learned to live with my stammer and it is just not relevant to how I want to interact with people. They don't necessarily need to know.

Well, that's enough about me, but I wanted to say to you that you're not alone. There are many many others out there with a stammer, hidden or overt.

I honestly don't know what the answer is to your own question, but you should be able to get medical advice and support from professionals for this. I guess children get to hear many other voices other than their parents', on TV, at nursery etc, so your child will hear many people who don't stammer. Perhaps also, don't be too anxious about it, because this will be picked up by the child, who will then become conscious of the way he speaks.

good luck

Iceberg, thanks so much for your reply. I know exactly what you mean about being embarrassed to use your real username. I'd thought about using a different one too, kind of wish I had now, but then again maybe it's something I shouldn't be so embarrassed about.

I used to be what they call a 'covert' stammerer, like you. No one ever noticed cos it was so mild and I happily talked in front of people, did seminars at university, worked for BT as a french linguist for 18 months even!! But in the past couple of years (I'm now 28) I've found it increasingly difficult to hide. I guess that's why it upsets me so much - because I know I used to talk fairly fluently and I hate this new me who can't express what she wants to say when she actually has so much to say.

I saw the BBC programme too and it made me glad to know that I wasn't alone. It always seems to be males who stammer and I think perhaps society is more accepting of them.

Perhaps I could contact you directly about it. I really would appreciate having an occasional chat about it with another female, though if you don't feel comfortable about it I'll completely understand. I don't know how to contact a member directly though. Let me know if you know.

Thanks again for your reply - it is truly appreciated

Hello - I've joined Mumsnet specifically to reply to this post, although I have been reading for a while now. I too am a covert stammerer. Face to face with people I am mostly okay - although do occassionally "block", particularly with names. My biggest problem is the phone. I can answer it okay, but I just can't make phone calls. I just block totally. This is a big problem for me. Getting jobs, making friends, sorting out activities for the children etc are all a nightmare, and I hide behind dh, who is fantastic, and okay about making calls for me. I think my stammer, and the phone issue is the reason why I've never had a "career" or have many friends. Funnily, I consider myself quite extrovert, in the right situations - but the stammer is really holding me back

I do worry about my kids developing a stammer, but atleast I know what to look out for, and to seek professional help asap, if I think there is a problem. They do say the earlier children get speach therapy the better. When I was young the advice was to just leave it and they'll probably grow out of it. How sad.

I would love to "chat" with other female stammerers too. I noticed there is a "contact another talker" link at the top of the page. Can I contact you? Or you me if you would prefer.

It really is a hidden disability, isn't it? And most people just don't understand. It's very humiliating to be mocked by a teacher or your boss at work, which has happened to me on several occassions.

Celandine, I've just tried to forward my email address onto you (via the "contact another talker" link) and it's telling me they don't recognise your user name. Perhaps that's because you've just changed it? Anyhow, do contact me if you wish

RosiePosie, thanks loads for your reply. I'll try to email you directly though it probably won't be for a couple of days cos I've got a busy day tomorrow, but I would definitely love to chat

It's truly a good feeling to know that others understand the frustrations. And I used to chat for ages on the phone with no worries of stammering and now I also dread it!

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Thanks Twiglett, I appreciate any advice Despite my own afflictions, as I don't know exactly what causes stammering I'm no expert on preventing it in children. However, I do know that what makes it worse is, as you say, people finishing your sentences, trying to hurry you, not listening to you properly and - the worst of all - people looking away when you start to stammer. I hate that so much Funny you saying about the brain working faster than the mouth actually cos I've always found that myself. I've got a rather overactive mind which rushes ahead with thoughts and my mouth can't always keep up!

I will certainly aim not to stammer in front of DS, not rush him, to listen to him wholeheartedly however he speaks and to not make an issue out of it if he does stammer. Both DH and I pray with all our hearts that if we both focus on this positively and consistently that our little boy will grow up relatively fluent.