Feel like walking away

[ledkr]

Hi I can see there's lots of similar threads on here but don't want to hijack so will start my own.
I have 5 dc 4 boys all grown and left then dds 10 and 21months. We love them dearly but the age gap means we are experiencing two sets of age related problems.
Dd1 is going through some anxiety and needs constant reassurance and rarely settles to sleep before midnight thus anxiety worse cos of lack of sleep. She looks pale and tired. I am working on this with school and have an appointment to see gp I feel it's a phase and will pass but it does mean I can't sleep either as she will call out to me to check I'm there still very annoying but as I say I do think it will pass.
So then dd2 is possibly the cutest but most miserable child I have ever encountered. She's never slept that well and almost always wakes by six. I am therefore existing on 6 hrs sleep most nights.
She spends a large part of the day whingeing and trying to be picked up. She doesn't play with toys unless we are engaged with her too.
She is extremely strong willed so coupled with the moaning I feel I don't like taking her out much such as into town where she will cry to get out of buggy then run off constantly. Screams and hangs off reins or to be picked up and carried along which she is too heavy to do for long.
I do make sure she goes out everyday for a long walk, toddlers, park, friends houses.
When at home will often just lash out at me or scratch or pull my hair. I've tried shouting, ignoring, showing it hurts and putting her down. When she does thus its really spiteful and her face is all screwed up,
I often wonder if she will go on to develop special needs but that's probably just me over reacting.
I work part time and dh does the child care and she behaves the same but he is less inclined to get fed up with he because she is his only child and he adores her. G
He works shifts so is here a lot and is amazing. Gets up a lot with her and let's me sleep etc. but even he is getting fed up now. He's gone to work this morning at 7 after 5 hrs sleep, we are both so tired it shows on our faces and he's lost weight whilst I've put it on. We get no time to ourselves or just to read or relax.
Sorry this is so long, I feel better just for getting it out.
I feel such a failure but I just want some peace and quiet and sleep and feel as if I will never get it.
I actually look forward to work.

Sorry 3 boys

Oh love, you poor thing. Can you see a sleep specialist, maybe worth the money, as I honestly think if she slept better her behaviour would improve tbh

We're not meant to offer hugs are we but I really wish I could give you a squige. Lack of sleep is debilitating and coupled with toddler tantrums it's exhausting.

Mine are 17 months apart and I've had a tough time in the past.

Thanks I could do that I guess. We are quite good at it ourselves and have had phases of 7 till 7 but she had had a cough for weeks now which hasn't helped. Been to dr 3 times btw has inhalers as no infection.
I agree she does seem like a tired baby behaves.
She has about an hr and a half nap in the day but still seems tired.
I get fed up with people judging me too. She won't wear a hat or reins or stay in a shopping trolley. People say "oh I'd just make her" and I think would you? What would you do then staple the hat to her head? It's not like I haven't already had dc who all wore a hat and reins. I have honestly never had a child like it.

You could ask for her to be referred to a paediatrician and get her accessed?

My son is very strong willed and did all the things your DD does, I had to lever him into a buggy and strap him in so often. Whilst people looked on with cats bum mouths. It was horrendous, I too avoided all sorts of situations to try and make life easier. His sister was a piece of cake. He still is very tricky now but it's different issues.

I hope you get some more helpful responses.

Don't step does he have sn?

oh my word.

it sounds like you are doing everything you can. with your 10 yo, could you put her in your bed for a while? would that work?

when the baby hurts you walk away. definitely. let her crack on with moaning or whatever.

i think that you are not responsible for anybody's happiness, including your children's. you are responsible for creating an environment in which they can be happy, but their state of mind is pretty much up to them. do you feel like you have to fix everybody and everything?

do you get any time at all to think your own thoughts? do you enjoy work?

He hasn't been diagnosed with anything. The Senco at Pre School thought he was maybe bottom of the spectrum for Autism but I haven't been to the GP yet. But it crosses my mind all the time.

She sleeps fine in with me but is that really a good thing to start?
I love work yes but had a bit of a shit week last week. I find the logistics of working hard fitting it around the kids and my dd2 is waiting for a kidney so I help him a lot too.
As for time to myself what's that?

How long has your DD1 been like this, OP? Why do you think she is so anxious and clingy? Is she having a hard time with her friends? Is it school? Is it because you are so busy dealing with a demanding toddler that she feels left out? Is there a way you can spend time with her away from your toddler?

And I had a very demanding toddler. Did many of the things yours does and some more. Everything was an effort - getting him dressed, putting him in the car seat, always wanting to be picked up, he used to head butt us and pull my hair so much that i thought i was going to go bald! I know it doesn't help, but he's such a lovely boy now.

You have my sympathies because it is such hard work, especially on such little sleep.

It's reassuring to hear others stories thanks.
I think dd is definitely reacting to less attention but she is anxious because she thinks something will happen to me or her. Worries that someone will break into the house and steal her or me. (They'd need to be strong) that's why she calls to me to check on still there or to make sure I'm awake and would hear her being stolen. She watches nothing scary and is very sheltered tbh we live on a nice little village and she has a very secure environment. School is happy and she has lots of friends, goes to guides drama and dancing and is often in shows which she loves.
I have read it can be hormonal and does pass I just have to have strategies in the meantime. I've told her to just look through the door ajar to see if I'm ok and not wake me.
I get seriously concerned for my health. I've already had cancer very young and my mental health is very fragile since I had dd2

is dd2 poorly? is dd1 aware of this? is dd2 in any pain?

if i were you i would put dd1 in bed with you, explain to her it isn't a long term solution, but it is something that we are doing for now so we can all get some more sleep. when you are both feeling stronger you can work out another plan together. i also have a 10 yo dd, who really puts me through my paces, i do think it can be a tricky age. i try and keep patient, and look forward to the day when she begs my forgiveness , but god, some moments can be really hard.

when you say your mental health is fragile - could i ask in what way? are you anxious about your children or is it something else?

Aw, poor you. It's sounds like you have been through a lot. Just a few questions, are you having any treatment for your mental health? Do you feel supported by your husband? Are you getting a break from DD2? Can you get someone to look after her so that you have a rest away from her and I don't mean work. And, maybe if you are not keen on the idea of your DD1 sleeping with you, she can sleep on a floor mattress in your room instead because you may not get any sleep if you are all squashed up together and children can be so wriggly in bed.

Btw, I remember feeling very frightened at this age. I watched something on tv and I found it very hard to sleep. In the end my dad, who was studying for an exam or series of exams, studied in my room with the desk lamp on while I slept. It made all the difference.

I had pnd have just stopped Prozac as felt no better and it's def pmt that causes it. I feel overwhelmed by my life and miss my social life. Poor relationship with my family as my mum vastly favours my 2 sisters very stressful job, older ds waiting for a kidney transplant it just feels too much at times. I have lots of really happy times though dh is a lovely husband and father we enjoy lots of fun holidays in our little camper, I just find life hard a lot if the time.
I don't think she is in pain tbh.

It sounds like she may be worried about the transplant? It's a lot for a young girl to cope with.

I think you need to go back to the doctors and explain how you feel. Maybe some counselling, CBT type thing, may help?

The thing is it is overwhelming. It's hard enough coping with a challenging toddler never mind mh issues, tough job, big daughter's health and in supportive family. There's no break to it, is there? Have you told DH how you feel unable to cope? Really told him? Also, is there no one else you could go for support? Family friend? Does your dd2 go to nursery at all? If she doesn't, can you look into this? Or if she does, just increase her hours slightly? I think that would be beneficial to you.

Unsupportive not in supportive

If you think it would help for your DD to sleep with you why not do it? Just short term while you all get some sleep and as a way of breaking the cycle.

Hi all thanks for your replies. We walked into town to the Xmas market dd didn't like being in her buggy at all but I just ignored her until she fell asleep then dd and I went for hot choc it was lovely.
Felt better then when I got back it all started again and she was emptying cupboards broke a light bulb pillowed me around screaming then hit me when I picked her up. I phoned my friend and she helped me a bit agreed it won't hurt her to cry occasionally whilst I get ready or have a wee she can see she's a handful. Dh is home now and seeing to her and I'm going to go to bed early with dd1. He will see to baby if she wakes.
My drs are crap they haven't even mentioned the fact I don't get Prozac anymore and I'm pretty sure they don't do counsellor.
Dd has a place at the local nursery from January so I might see if the nursery my son chefs at will take her till then.
I'd feel better if I could clean up a bit or have hair free legs and clean hair.
It's always worse at weekend cos dh works and I'm just on my own.

Did you all send sleep vibes? Dd2 slept for 13 hrs last night

ledkr - when she's screaming honestly let her get on with it. don't take it personally, just let her get it out of her system. when she's calmed down, you can give her a cuddle, but when she's in full tantrumning mode, just leave her alone and get on with your own stuff - this will be hard to do at first, but it does get easier.

sorry about the confusion about the kidney transplant, i thought it was dd2 and not ds2 who was waiting. is dd1 aware of this? have you talked to her about it?

glad you had a good day, and lots of sleep - it does help. would you consider counselling for yourself?

I'm glad that dd2 slept well. How did dd1 and you sleep? I agree with baskingseals, ignore dd2's behaviour as much as you can and give her cuddles when she calms down.

I know about the hair washing, de-fuzzing and wanting to be clean. I've been like that and when it's just me and DS I still have to make an effort to prioritise it. The thing is wanting a shower and a pee are fundamental things and I think you just have to get on with no matter how much she does not like it. I used to totally tune out when having a shower and he'd be banging on the door and crying and screaming at me.

There were a couple of things that applied to my DS when he was this age and esp when he was around three. He had a speech delay and he used to get incredibly frustrated because he could not verbalise himself. Also, it took me a long time to work out that he has tantrums because he is hungry. He suffers from low blood sugar so the whole snack, meal, snack, meal etc was not working. I changed to snack, snack, meal, snack, snack meal etc and his behaviour improved quite a lot. He still gets very on edge when I don't get the timings right. He did have a tantrum just few days ago because of lack of food at the right time.

Go back to your doctors or change doctors. When you are feeling vulnerable it's easy to be fobbed off because of lack of confidence and feeling overwhelmed. Insist that they take another look at your medication needs and insist on a referral for counselling. Take someone with you if you have to so that they can support you in the consultation (I've done this in the past).

How do I access it though? Would definitely help I think

go back to your gp and ask - agree with pop take somebody with you for back up.