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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Inappropriate language ...

45 replies

imtheonlyone · 27/10/2012 13:19

Hi, we live on a smallish estate and the houses are relatively new. There is a small park that is maintained by the estate and its only a few yards down the road and can be seen from our house. Consequently, we allow DSs (7,7,4 and 3) to play there as long as they tell us at all times where they are and that the older ones are in charge of the younger ones. We watch from the house/garden when they are there. Whether this is right or wrong is possibly for another thread .... I'm sure there are some who would think this is not acceptable but all the children from the estate seem to play there and most of them can't se the park from their house like we can!

Thing is there is a boy who plays out with them and I'm not entirely sure how old he is but he's always around and can't be more than 8. He swears. A lot. Mostly telling the older girls who play in the park to 'fuck off' very loudly! I'm not really ready for my eldest at 7 to be this exposed to the f word and for them to start and bring it home (which they haven't yet I guess only a matter of time) but most especially the younger ones and I'm quite perturbed that this young boy is using this language so freely when he's out and about. Whilst I accept its a part of this world, I'm not really very happy with my boys hanging round with this lad and have told them as such. But this lad spent give up and won't leave them alone!

I was thinking of knocking on his parents door and just saying 'do you realise that your lad uses the f word and swears a lot etc ' - in a very non confrontable way to gauge their reaction??? Obviously if they tell me to fuck off then I have my answer!! I know I'm not the only one on the estate who has a problem with this boy as others have mentioned it to me - boys who play out with mine too and are a year younger!

What would you do?? And any advice/tips???

Thanks!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MmeLindor · 27/10/2012 22:03

Could you go out with them and stand around just watching then if you hear him swearing have a quick word with him about the language not being ok, like 5mad suggested? He will know it is not ok, am sure he'd get pulled up on that at school.

DozeyRose · 27/10/2012 23:13

OP sorry if you thought I was attacking you - I'm really not. And I know that it was irrelevant to your question. I guess it's expected with a bunch of mums on here to think "ohh that's wrong" though, because 3 years does seem extremely young, and situations such as the older boys foul language could potentially escalate to other bad behaviour that could perhaps make your dc more vulnerable? Sometimes (not always) an adults presence is enough to curb some childrens unruly behaviour.

I may be the other extreme. My DS is 9 and I won't let him out! But London imo isn't the safest of places. I live in nice surroundings but I worry so much about not being able to see them.

Hope you find a solution with regards to the foul language OP.

Bumpstart · 28/10/2012 00:27

Dozey rose. . . You too are making an appropriate judgement of when and where it is safe for your ds to play out.

The reality is that many places are really not appropriate for children to play out in. I think we need to support each other in making our choices, understanding that 3 year olds can have very different behaviour, and that locations vary wildly. I am extremely lucky to live on my street. It means that my kids are growing up with physical freedom. If we didn't, however, I'd be taking them to visit friends or family where they could play out.

Sorry for hijacking op.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 28/10/2012 01:18

"I allowed my kids to play out when they were younger than your little ones. [risks flaming]. I judged it to be a safe enough place, and them to be sensible enough kids who were capable of understanding and sticking to the rules."

You had sensible 2 year olds?

Original poster

imtheonlyone · 28/10/2012 10:26

Thanks guys - the trick or treat idea sounds good think I will give that a go and gauge their household out!!!

And yes, I have started to hang around when this lad is there. I've spoken to some slightly older girls as well who play there and they have told me that this lad is always nasty to them. Have told my DCs to keep well clear. Although they have started to figure it out for themselves as came back yesterday moaning that he was annoying them and that they didn't want to play with him

I think we do have to respect each others judgements on where is safe for our DCs to play - no doubt if I lived in London I would not allow them to play out as I do here.

I think it's a crying shame though that we have to restrict our children in this way. It's so sad for them that they can't have the freedom that we had when we were young. Too many dangers in the world, I know that. But I also know I can't wrap then in cotton wool forever (much as I do want to!!)

No one said parenting was going to be easy and I guess there is no right or Erin way for any of us. All our circumstances are different.

Thanks again for the advice - much appreciated xx

OP posts:

Original poster

imtheonlyone · 28/10/2012 10:27

Bumpstart no need to apologise ..... It's a discussion forum so go for it!!!!

OP posts:

crazygracieuk · 28/10/2012 10:38

Unless your children go to a naice private school where non-conforming kids can be asked to leave, surely it's a situation that your older child is used to at school?
There always seems to be one child who tries to play by being too sweary/physically aggressive/bossy.

If you complain to the other parents be prepared to be told a few home truths about your decision to let a 3 year old play out. Most parents wouldn't make that choice and if they are the sort of rough people to call social services as revenge, I'd imagine that they wouldn't look at your decision favourably either.I live on a quiet cul de sac and only let my youngest out when he was old enough to be responsible for his own behaviour and follow my rules. It would be mean to have the older child responsible for the younger one- if something happened then the older child would feel guilty for life even though they shouldn't have been responsible for a younger child.

MrsCantSayAnything · 28/10/2012 10:42

crazy I can assure you that children in private schools also swear, drink and take drugs...without getting asked to leave.

clam · 28/10/2012 10:57

You're considering knocking on their door to complain tell them about their child's bad language?

Good luck with that.

Original poster

imtheonlyone · 28/10/2012 11:04

Is it normal then for 7 yr olds to be shouting fuck off to one another??????

Seems I'm in the minority there then!!!

I very much doubt that allowing my kids to play in a park that Is right next to my house be seen as neglect or any other by social services! How very dare you!!!!!!!

I thought this was a forum for mums promoting discussion and asking advice ..... Not for jumping to conculsions about people's parenting skills or lack of them!!! If I make a judgement about my kids playing out in a safe environment, that's my decision. Based on fact not assumptions!

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 28/10/2012 11:06

My dh's best friend swears in every sentence and so do his dc. The youngest is six. It just seems to wash over my dc who are 8&6. They are lovely, lovely people and we want them in our lives and so we just go with the flow.

You can't get everyone to conform to what you want to do.

Original poster

imtheonlyone · 28/10/2012 11:25

So 6 yr olds swearing in every sentence is acceptable now!!! Whatever next!

OP posts:

conorsrockers · 28/10/2012 21:56

Didn't the OP say the 'letting your kids out on their own' part was not what she wanted advice about!!?
But, just to throw my opinion in, as everyone else has you know your kids and if you trust them, then OF COURSE it's OK!! DS3 is only 5 but I could trust him on his own all day with a box of sharp knives for company (not that I would obviously), but I know 10 year olds I wouldn't trust in a padded room!!! Age is largely irrelevant.
The trick or treat idea is great, unfortunately though, your 7 year olds will pick it up soon whether from school or the park and then will teach it to your younger children who will probably be the ones other parents will be talking about in a couple of years time. Maybe you should prepare for some knocks on the door . I was very precious about swearing etc.... with DS1 and used to get really irritated about his friends with older siblings teaching him stuff. Needless to say I have had to eat my words with DS2 and 3 as I am the parent apologising now .

Frawli · 28/10/2012 22:03

I don't think it's fair for the older children to have to be looking after the younger ones, when I was a kid one of my friends was always having to look after his younger brother and it was a pain in the arse frankly. If you're a young child you should be playing yourself, not childminding.

But back to the original subject, I would go to the park with them and then if the child swears you could ask him not to. Then if he carries on swearing you could have a word with the parents if you wanted to.

nannyof3 · 28/10/2012 22:30

Stop letting ur children play out alone then.... Disgusting... U leave ur 7 yr old to be in charge of a 3 yr old, terrible, why dont u take ur lazy arse to the playground.... Grrrrrr

Wolfiefan · 28/10/2012 22:34

Two words.
Holly and Jessica.
My kids play in the garden. End of.

5madthings · 28/10/2012 22:45

how is the case of holly and jessica relevant? they were old enough to be out and they were horribly murdered by someone they KNEW. sadly most abductions, murders or assaults on children are by someone they know :(

bad things happen, they are in the news precisely because they dont happen very often thankfully, we cant not let our children out because of at tiny miniscule risk and the op say sthe park is YARDS from their house, they can see it, i am assuming they can hear the children playing as well. children have to be given some responsibilty and freedom, i let mine out in the cul de sac and my eldest goes off to town etc, my 10 yr old goes to the shops, walks from school on his own and my 7 yr old is starting to do more things like that as well. its good for them to have some freedom and develop responsibily.

the op knows her own children, she knows the area and is keeping an eye out, they are also nearly 5 and nearly 4 which is a lot different from just 3.

i let my elder onces watch my younger ones sometimes as well, its part of being a family and pitching in and helping out, the op could be there in less than a minute if need be, its not like she is going off for hours leaving the 7yr in charge they are still in her view!

op good luck with the trick or treating and checking the parents out! i think say something to the boy yourself and reiterate to your childrne its not ok and that they dont have to play with him. ulitimately tho children dont learn not to swear, they learn when and wehre it is appropriate to do so!

Original poster

imtheonlyone · 28/10/2012 23:17

My lazy arse ..... 4 boys under 7 .......!!!!! ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH?????!!!!!!!!

Judge all you like, I know my boys are safe ..... I would never knowingly put them in danger .... Wish you could see the park from my house - it is practically the garden but hey ho!!

OP posts:

5madthings · 28/10/2012 23:34

Four boys here as well and then no 5 is a girl. I dont think any mum of four is lazy.

I think.you prob live in a new build like a friend of mine. It has a little park where all the children play out and when we visit her my four boys including ds4 who is 4 also plays out with them.

conorsrockers · 29/10/2012 06:23

imtheonlyone - ha! lazy priceless! glad you are not taking any notice of these judgy parents - my 9 year old looks after his younger brothers often when I go out of the house and leave them alone, shock, horror! It's called part of being a family and he is quite happy to do it.
Christ, I was doing an hours train and walk journey to school at 7, alone, in the dark in winter..

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