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Original poster

What responsibilities does your partner share?

26 replies

AlCookie · 21/10/2012 10:01

Ok...i m desperate. Have a 7 month old son and the bottom line is that i m chronically sleep deprived now and consequently perpetually irritated!

There have been the good days and the bad days but its just been me handling everything. From feeds to solids, massage n baths, night wakings, nappy changing, playing, baby laundry, baby dishes everything. All this with the usual housework - cooking, cleaning, ironing everything. My son still doesnt sleep through and since the past 3 weeks he is having extremely restless nights. I have tried a lot of things to get him to sleep better but finally i have concluded that it is a phase n i will have to live with it until its over.

But this sleep deprivation is taking a toll on everything. I get so angry at times and i have to admit - i feel like taking it all out on my son. I know its awful but please dont judge me - i feel pathetic about it too.

My husband is always busy with office work or out to europe. I really want some load sharing here. But i dont know how or what. I want to know from u guys what all do ur partners help with?

Here is where i m - i have been co sleeping since birth, breastfeeding till now, started solids at 6 months, baby is crawling and pulling up. I m on a 1 yr maternity leave now.

Anything else i shud have mentioned?? Please tell me what all ur partners help with????

OP posts:
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JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/10/2012 10:33

We coslept and bf too but Dh would give me a lie in when he was home. Sometimes, just having the bed to yourself and a hour in bed can make all the difference,

Are you making things easy for yourself too, do you sleep in the day? Have you got a milkman and do you do your shopping online? Will finances allow a cleaner, even if its just short term?

Could DH cook on his days off? Mine used to respond well to me pointing out how I was too knackered for see and how lovely it isvwhen he does things like cook dinner. You could always go on strike too Grin

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/10/2012 10:34

Oh and google askdrsears 12 alternatives, it may help with the nights Smile

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/10/2012 10:35

Sorry for the typos, bloody ipad.

littletomato · 21/10/2012 10:38

What is ironing?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/10/2012 10:42

Dunno either. Think it's something that men do to their shorts before they go to work, but not entirely sure what it involves either Grin

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/10/2012 10:43

And he never does nappies or bedtime? Really?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/10/2012 10:43

Sorry bath tine ?

ceeveebee · 21/10/2012 10:51

alcookie it sounds like you are doing everything - is it the same at weekends too? Your DH should at least step up at weekends if not evenings as well

My DH doesn't get very involved with our twins during the week as he's out from 7am-8pm most days. But he has always changed first nappy of the day. Before they slept through he would do the last feed of the night at 10pm ish (they were happy to take bottles) and so I could go to bed early. At weekends he does breakfast and takes them on his own for a few hours while I get some 'me' time.
Admittedly he never does any housework - but we are lucky to be able to afford a cleaner so I don't do much either but I do all laundry, meal planning, cooking, look after finances etc (and its not really changed even though I am back at work 3 days a week).
I think you need to try and look at the total time off each of you get and make sure it's fair. You need at least one weekend morning off and he should deal with some night wakings as best he can on non work nights

Lavenderhoney · 21/10/2012 10:57

If your husband is always away, he sounds as though he is working hard to keep you and the family which is great but you cant have it bith ways. I was in a similar position. Shop online for the big stuff- loo rolls etc and get the fresh once a week as its nice for you and your baby to go to shops. Get a cleaner to come twice a week. Tidy up before she comes, even if it's chuck stuff on the bed. Go for a long walk while she is there. You need everywhere dusted, everywhere hoovered/ mopped and kitchen and bathroom spotless. Two hours, maybe 3 depending on your house. That is a bg help.
she might iron. Unlikely - mine never would and the price!
Ironing- don't iron stuff if you can help it.

If you are alone a lot, go to a baby group once a week, even if you lo is asleep. It's nice to chat to other mums. I used to do all housework when ds was asleep which is exhausting. Make yourself go out everyday , even if it's a walk, and plan nice things for when dh s there, family lunch etc.

My dh takes the dc when I get my hair done, go running etc, but bf can scupper that! Get him to cook when he is there, and do the garden. What does he want to do? My dh does bath time when he is here. I read a magazine and don't interfere:)

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/10/2012 11:40

f your husband is always away, he sounds as though he is working hard to keep you and the family which is great but you cant have it bith ways, I'm assuming that if she is on Mat Leave she has paid employment too? Mat Leave isn't slave labour, its there to help you recover from the labour and look after your child.

HeinousHecate · 21/10/2012 11:45

Mine did everything. When he wasn't working he did as much nappy changing, settling, playing, cleaning, and when I stopped bf, feeding as I did. When he was at work, I did it all. When he wasn't at work, we did it 50/50.

it wasn't until MN that I realised just how many women are left to do everything. you really need to tell him that it is unacceptable.

People who think that because they go out to work, that's all they need to do, baffle me. having a baby is a 24/7 job. that's not the same as a 40hour week. Hmm

PosieParker · 21/10/2012 11:52

Mine does 50/50 when in the house and I do a little it all when he's at work.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 21/10/2012 11:54

12 alternatives for the all night nurser.

Original poster
AlCookie · 21/10/2012 12:34

Thank u sooo much for all the suggestions Smile

Honestly i seem to have made a villain out of my DH. Well he is a very loving hubby n its just a different situation here which he is not able to handle very well i guess. Also, i kept expecting him to understand how tired i m but never spoke it out. I guess i shud sit n speak to him about it. Men really dont listen to the silence!!!

And that is so true - since we dont go out for work it seems as though we r partying all days of the week! Ppl actually think that 'every day is a sat sun for mums' but honestly we dont get any day off Sad its a 24/7 job!!!! Sad

I cud manage most of the things before this 3 week restless nights thing. I thing i m simply sleep deprived. I am planning to try night weaning - just keep 1 night feed at around 3am and cut out the other 2-3 feeds that now seem to b only for comfort.

Thank u again - i dont know where i wud b without mumsnet !!! Smile

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/10/2012 20:21

Glad that you have explained how tired you are to him, but really he needs to step up and start taking better care of you both.

One thing I sometimes do with my DH when I'm run ragged and he's not doing much, is to offer 2 alternatives. Try something like, would you like to wash up or bath DS? (Ie not sit on your arse and let me do everything). It usually works a treat and makes DH think he's making the choice Smile.

Did you get a chance to read the link?

stargirl1701 · 22/10/2012 20:29

My DH does everything I do round the house. We both cook, tidy, do laundry, empty the dishwasher, etc. He feeds, changes and plays with the baby. We do employ a cleaner though.

My Dad did all this too so I just assumed all men did. All my friends have husbands that pitch in too. I didn't realise till I joined MN that there were men out there that didn't.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/10/2012 20:36

My DP has done all cooking, cleaning school runs etc since he lost his job as I am heavily pregnant. Before that he did all the cooking and helped out with everything else.

My dad did nothing. He doesnt know how to use the washing machine. My mum thinks its great that he now empties the dishwasher Hmm

I was determined that I wouldnt be the same. Everything will be 50/50 once the baby is born.

cory · 23/10/2012 20:30

Dh did 50% of everything apart from the breastfeeding whenever he was in the house. These days he does rather more than his share as I am not well and a bit worn out dealing with dd's health problems.

motherinferior · 23/10/2012 20:31

What stargirl said.

Kiwiinkits · 23/10/2012 23:36

What JJJ said, offer two alternatives. Would you like to cook dinner, or do the washing up? Would you like to change the nappy or put a load of washing on?

Completely unrelated, but do you have a feeling as to what is causing the restless nights? Is he being disturbed by your sleeping (is it time for him to go into his own cot...?) Is he hungry? (Perhaps try upping the protein content of his food, or offering a bottle of formula before bed instead of bf) Is he too hot? (is his bedding natural/ not polyester)

unexpectediteminbaggingarea · 23/10/2012 23:57

I had very active night babies too and co slept. I always dealt with the wakings because they just wanted me.

DH has always come home from work and tidied the kitchen up if it needs doing. On his days off he will blitz the whole house, wash clothes, go food shopping etc if necessary. He is usually looking after 2 dcs at the same time while I go to work. There will be a meal when I get home, even if it usually 100% aunt bessies.

We share it pretty well, tbh. The rule is if you're off work, do some bloody housework.

DuelingFanjo · 24/10/2012 00:02

I co-sleep and still brestfeed a 22 month old so am the one being woken at night. We both work full time. DH does most baths, gets ds dressed for bed and some mornings will help me get him dressed or make breakfast. DH cooks a lot, does his own washing but doesn't do stuff like prepare a bag for nursery or wash ds's clothes. It's taken us a long time to get to this point and sometimes I still feel like I do most of the detail stuff like knowing she clothes/nappies/toys are.

We still need to do a little work on a fair system for lie-ins at the weekend.

midseasonsale · 24/10/2012 19:47

When he is in your house, he needs to take on half the jobs and giving you respite. That includes looking after son during part of the night so you can sleep. Also get a cleaner. You shouldn't be doing it all, you have enough on your plate what with him away and doing everything on your own.

midseasonsale · 24/10/2012 19:50

You need to crack the sleep by the way. He should help you night wean. My partner did and it made a big difference. DH dealt with any wakings between 12 and 5.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 27/10/2012 09:43

Have things improved at all? As for the night weaning, we didn't do that until they were much older as I knew bfing would get them back to sleep, it is entirely upto you though. Did you read the 12 alternatives link?

Try googling askdrsears 31 ways to get your baby to sleep and stay asleep, too.[hsmile]