5yo DD self pitying, mood swings violent, how do I deal with this?

[SushiPaws]

This started last winter, she's always been hot headed but never nasty before.

She went from one nursery where there was a mix of boys and girls who all got on as a group, to a nursery where it was mainly girls who had grown up together. She found it really hard as the little girl nastiness started, you know, "you're not my friend" etc..

Since then she's started school and I can only say it's got worse.

An example is her and ds (3yo) will be sitting drawing together. She'll decided he's not aloud to use her pens, so she'll take them away. He'll cry so she'll hit him or pinch or pull his hair. Either he'll scream or I'll see and tell her off and she'll run off in a screaming fit saying nobody loves her, that I hate her and she'll pull her own hair.

Sometimes she'll answer back and as soon as she's done it and knows she's been rude, she'll hit me or dh.

She'll ask nicely for juice and if I don't jump up straight away she'll throw a tantrum saying I don't love her.

Her general attitude is like a teenager, rolls her eyes and answers back to everything, even simple requests like tooth brushing. But her tantrums and violent outbursts are like a toddler.

I'm doing time outs as punishment, but she just sits on the step raging and throwing anything she can. When she's sat quietly and done her time out, the anger is still there, the sorry is given grudgingly with a shaky voice.

The last time I took her out with friends who have known her since she was a baby they said she was acting like a spoilt brat.

I've read How To Talk To Kids, but it's not helped.

Any ideas most welcome as I'm worried about our relationship and her in general.

I cant help wondering if she's perhaps bored. Is she a very bright little girl?Just reward the good behaiviour and where possible ignore the bad. Children are a handfull. I'd put the book away and try to go with the flow as difficult as it may seem.You daughter will know that you are not speaking from your own heart if you follow the commands of a textbook.
Perhaps you could organise a day when you and your daughter have some special time alone. Ask her what she'd like to do.

It sounds very much like self esteem issues. As pp said she needs praise and lots if it. Set up chances for her to succeed and really praise her when she does.
When her brother wants to borrow something of hers say "I really love how kind to your brother you are, you're such a wonderful sister"
Has she got a reward chart? These are great for kids with confidence issues. Make the stars easy to earn and put the chart somewhere highly visible so she can see how great she is.

I hope some of that helps, sure someone will be along with more suggestions. And big hugs for you - dd1 was bullied at old school. We're also working on self esteem issues.

My 5yo DD is quite similar to this a lot of the time. It is very very wearing, isn't it?

Full of attitude and entitled, thinking she knows it all when clearly, she is 5 and has very little idea about many things Also a bright girl.

Also a 3.9yo DS who she plays with beautifully a lot of the time, but also pinches, hits, shouts at and uses as a personal slave when it suits her.

I do make a point of acknowledging and 'bigging up' any nice, kind behaviours, and offering random small nice treats for no reason. We also try to use natural consequences - IE you didn't put XYZ away safely like you were asked, so now it got broken, tough luck.

But I am sick of hearing myself nagging her and repeating the same instructions - I get totally blanked/ignored - and she knows it drives me nuts. In fact, I know she does it because she knows it drives me nuts

Not sure what the answer is, but it's not just you.

Thank you all SO much for answering, some really good points I hadn't thought of at all.

GreenFingers, I think she was bored, but now she's in school and we do lots of reading and sums together. She is very well behaved with one to one time, doing school work or playing together, maybe as you say, we need more of that. Yes, I read the book as I thought it might help, it didn't but I've passes it on in the hope it may help someone else.

Aspie, It didn't even occur to me that it would be a self confidence thing. She has always been so outwardly confident. I think you've hit the nail on the head. I have a reward chart, but the stickers are not that easy to earn, maybe I need to lower the standard and give more praise. Thats what I'm going to work on.

MMHHA, love your name. It's good to hear I'm not the only one. Your right it is exhausting trying to explain that I would never, not love her, and how much that hurts. I think I'll be taking a leaf from your book and and giving lots of praise for even small good behaviour. I totally understand about the ignoring thing and feeling like your nagging. I wonder if my dd does it purely for attention.

Today was another day of drama and stress, in which I lost my temper and shouted at dd. She laughed at me, which as you can imagine made me more angry. But I kept it cool and didn't rise which I guess is what she wanted.

Anyway, tomorrow is a new day, will work on high praise and extra cuddles, see if that helps.

Is she on any medication? I only ask because we have seen a change in behaviour and my son is(was) on montelukast

No, no medication at all.