2.6 year old and children who snatch

[eastendgirl]

My ds who is 2.6 often has toys snatched from him; until a while ago he used to just stand and stare when it happened, didn't seem bothered, now he often cries inconsolably. What am I supposed to say to him? Today my friend's son who is about the same age snatched a toy from him, I tried to console him telling him it didn't matter because it is true that it does not matter. Then I lost my temper with my friend's ds who is about the same age and often snatches whatever my ds has in his hands and snatched the toy back and gave it back to my ds. The mother of this boy never really tells her son off when he does this, only asks him gently "darling, do give the toy back...", of course it's a bloody year now and the kid has never given anything back. I feel exageratedly angry about this. My friend also told me that I should not have snatched the toy from her son because my ds needs to learn to do it himself! I say bollocks to that. Would like other people's opinions. God I am rambling.

my DD is only 13 months and already i am really defensive of how she is treated by other children, and mothers who do not discipline their children really wind me up!! its seems to be a battle of wills in the playground, i have asked my friends how long it takes for children to learn how to share their toys and i think that about 3 or 4 they may me learning to grasp sharing, until then i gather it is a battle of wills on the playground, sorry im not much help as my little one is so young...

mmm, i think they will grasp sharing earlier than 4 if they see that they have to put up with consequences if they snatch.

Most children do not grasp sharing until at least 3 years old some may take a bit longer.

You need to be patient. There is really no point in getting angry at 13 month old children who grab things or even discipining them about this at that age for not sharing. It is not a concept they can possibly understand so young. They have masses of other things to learn first. Distraction, heading off trouble before it begins and and a good dose of patience are what is required at this age.

Once they are a bit older say 2 or so you can definitely start introducing the concept but don't expect them to get it yet. Also I think it is important to be consistent. If someone grabs your child's toy you need to make the point that this is wrong and say something calmly to the other child though whether you'll persuade the other child to give the toy back is another matter .

I also think if it is a child's friend causing the problem maybe you could speak to the mum and say something like

'I've noticed my ds and your ds are having a bit of a problem sharing stuff- I know it's a stage thing but I'd really appreciate it if we had some rules that we stick to when they play together'

Try and work out a strategy you are both happy with and stick to it. Worth doing if your children spend quite a bit of time together.

If we adults can't work out our differences how can we expect our children to - kids learn more by example than what we say.

I agree you probably shouldn't have snatched the toy back but I also think that the other mother should ensure that her ds gave the toy back or done something more effective than she did so it is difficult.

On the whole I do think kids should be allowed to sort things out for themselves but if one is always losing out and gets very upset then we do need to step in.

i dont get angry with my 13 month old DD, that is not what i was saying, i was saying that i gather they grasp the concept of sharing much later.

if a 2.6 year old snatched a toy off another 2.6 year old I would turn to snatcher and say 'that's not nice, give it back now' .. if child doesn't I would take it away

then I would say 'ask if you can have a turn please' .. and I would give them each 5 mins turns on it so long as they both asked nicely and treated each other with respect

I would have started this from the second the child started snatching tbh .. so would have been doing it at 18 months too

think the other mother needs a darn stiff talking to .. not about her kid snatching .. but about her inability to give her child parameters of acceptable behaviour .. it doesn't just start at a certain age .. good behaviour is fostered and developed by good parenting

and they don't just grasp the concept of sharing at a certain age .. some kids never grasp it because their parents haven't seen it as their job to teach them .. some 3 year olds share nicely .. some 8 year olds don't .. its all down to the acceptable parameters of behaviour

when did we as a society start believing that kids gravitate towards good behaviour without believing that we have to do something as adults / parents to ensure that they get there

Thank you for this. My friend seems to think that my ds should try not to let go of the bloody toy in the first place or shout at other kids who try to do this, she seems to think that assertiveness is about snatching and hitting and shouting - her ds does this quite a bit, my ds attempts from time to time but I have made him suffer consequences, so I believe he learnt that he better watch out what he does, and he behaves in a very gentle way. Or maybe his temperament was milder to start off with, I don't know. In my view toddlers are aggressive because they are insecure not because they are assertive. What do you think?

there is a difference between assertiveness and aggression

much as there is a difference between competitiveness and bullying

I think assertiveness belongs in the adult gamut of behavioural characteristics not a toddler's .. I think one should strive to make ones toddler confident .. but that can be a quiet confidence or an overt confidence .. I think a toddler should also learn how to be empathetic and sensitive to other's needs

A child who is encouraged to grab what s/he can because s/he wants it IMO will grow up to be an obnoxious brat I wouldn't want to spend any time around

it also gives her no leg to stand on when the next child comes along and grabs something off her child .. well he's got to learn hasn't he?

I do think that a lot of parents here in the UK think that kids are badly behaved because that is how they were born, they seem to have no idea that good manners are taught by the parent and that they are not in the genes. And I am talking about highly educated parents who went to posh unis and have good jobs. Absolutely incredible! All those bloody books they have read and cannot even get their 3 year old to sit down for a meal. (you may have realised i didn't go to a posh uni & that i am not from the uk)

i am from the uk and did go to a posh uni and I completely agree with you

Playcentre have a rule and a bloody good one it is:

If a child has a toy in their hand - it's theirs. If another child takes it you say "x was playing with that - give it back and I'll find you something else (or if older - find something else yourself)".

Once the kid leaves the toy, it's fair game.

The adults do not snatch back - after all that just teaches that if you are bigger you can have anything you want - something the snatcher probably already believes in. You may have to do some gentle prising.

I do think though that the key is to remain calm yourself, saying it didn't matter and then losing your temper? Mixed message.

I think you may need some time away from this friend until you son is old enough to ask for the toy back himself.

I once spent 15 minutes with this kid trying to get him to give back a toy he had snatched back from ds - I felt like such an idiot tbh, now I first ask nicely, then with a sterner voice and then I go and get it. With my ds it works, he so much hates me snatching something from him, that he gives it back, sometimes the first time, sometimes the second time I ask. My friend has NEVER snatched something from her ds because she did not want him to learn that snatching is fine, well after a year her ds is still snatching. They need to learn there are consequences if they behave badly. I feel angry with myself for losing my temper today, but parenting is tiring enough, without having to parent other people's kids. I really like my friend, but will stop seeing her if this goes on. End of rant