Whenever I tell my children off, they ask me if I still love them ...

[sandyballs]

.. just wondered how common this was with other kids. I tell them that I do still love them, that I will always love them and there is nothing they could do that would stop me loving them, although there are quite a few things that could make me very cross or sad. They are just 5, and this response seems to be getting more frequent.

Are you shouting? Or disciplining. We tried this on my dad. He said, 'I love you so much, I'm teaching you the difference between right and wrong.'

I suppose sometimes shouting .

My parents were strict, but they only very, very rarely shouted. It was just a 'That's wrong, stop.' 'Stop or else [insert punishment]'. Then they carried out whatever punishment they'd said they would.

sorry if this sounds obvious but do you tell them you love them when you haven't just fought, like before bed, in the morning, etc, or is it only in a cross voice after you've fought?

also have you split with a dp/dh recently that might make them more aware that love can be taken away?

sorry if i'm off the mark, just wondering if they have some reason to think the love might be withdrawn?

DD1 does it.

And I shout. I know shouting is Wrong, but I do shout. I am quite a shouty person.

I'm always telling them I love them, and no there are no changes at home, me and DH are fine, so not sure why think like this.

In DD1's case it is the opportunity to wring drama from any situation. She is also given to flinging herself against me with protestations of love, though. I find it all quite soothing.

sorry, like i said, didn't mean to pry if i was off the mark.

they're probably just looking for reassurance, if there's no home reason why they should think that you might stop loving them then it's probably nothing and i wouldn't worry about it.

No problem . It's a very valid point, it would make more sense if that were the case.

my dd also does this.
she asks if im still her friend, i think they are just learning that they dont like it when someone shouts/tells you off and wonder if that means that eprson doesnt like you too.
not nice though is it

thats why i asked, surprising how many parents don't realise they need to say it all the time [perplexed emoticon] certainly wasn't trying to insinuate you were one sorry again, really din't mean to offend

I tell my kids i love them all the time, but once i told dd1 off, she went to her room to sulk, but before leaving said 'i don't love you anymore'

had to talk to her straight away about why i told her off and it is because i love her that i want her not to do wrong things. Also, kids at school have a way of saying 'i'm not your friend anymore' .. and wanted her to understand that it's not the same thing.

my dd will wait til i have told her off (usually shouting ) and she will say "ok mummy ill be a good girl now because i dont like you shouting at me" then a minute later she will say "are you happy mummy? can we be best friends?" and i usually feel like crying with guilt and love for her

i just cant get a balance

im either quiet or shouting

Maybe they think that it's them you don't like when you're cross with them, rather than it being the behaviour that you dislike. If dd is cross about something that her friend has done, she doesn't like her friend anymore - maybe that's the way your children are thinking too. I think it's important to differentiate between the child and their bad behaviour - it's the behaviour I don't like, not her - because sometimes children don't see things that way.

I tend to explain to dd why she was told off, and I always drop an "I love you" in then. Once she's had her time out and comes back in, I always tell her that I love her, but that sometimes I don't like the things that she's done, and ask her if she knows why she was in trouble. We then have a chat about what she's done and why it made me disappointed in her. So far she's never asked me if I still love her - maybe because I pre-empt it, I don't know.

and shes only 3

nailpolish, my dd almost three does axactly the same!

Have you tried distinguishing between them and their behaviour to make it clearer for them? ie. I love you but don't like your behaviour at the moment

i try to say..i do love you but i dont like what you are doing.

evesmama, its hard isnt it

especially when the pat your hand or head and say "i love you"

oops just seen WWB's post which explains it in much more depth

betty

im going to try and remember to say that

mine is 5 & asks the same, I think it probably is to do with the whole I'm-not-your-friend type stuff they pick up at school. mine is also forever declaring her love which is really nice as my family are totally non-demonstrative in this way so I guess she reminds me to be more open.
they do learn a certain degree of manipulation at this age too even if not entirely deliberate.

ooh .. and .. was a few minutes late picking my dd up from ballet this week, she seemed fine about it, but she woke in the middle of the night crying .. and confessed she thought i was never going to pick her up :( aawww
You can never tell them you love them too many times!!

i know nailpolish, but it just shows how well we're bringing them up to show such compassion..you just feel like saying.oh its me im a bad mummy you go and draw all over the walls again sweetheart!!