husband working away from home mon-fri

[mummybear12]

Hi all , my husband of 1 yr works away from home mon -fri , we have a 14 yr old and our currently expecting a new addition in feb 2013, im so worried about our future and he keeps telling me its just my hormones, honestly i would nt have a prob if i knew this was a temporary job but its not its his career so i know its for at least 20 yrs, i want to move the family to be with him and have a husband not to feel like a single parent which i was for 10 yrs , and i never expected to have a marraige like this , i dont want a marraige like this , which is sooo hard to say. my other half does nt want us to move to where he works he thinks its a sacrafice he should do for his family , and he wants to be able to come home at wk end to his family and friends , im so worried that we are going end up living seperate lives in the yrs that follow and where does that leave are marraige , put it this way i know that he will be fine where he works he ll make more friends and have his own life he finishs work early around 3 every day , i know ill will be fine i i have to ill keep myself busy with friends jobs and babys i know i will cope , i just dont know if our marraige will with us living seperate lives for yrs to come , please give me your oppion am i just over reacting ??thank you

It will be difficult with a newborn being on your own midweek- do you have anyone to help nearby?
What is his reason for not wanting to move closer to work? Does it suit him to stay away midweek in order to avoid household tasks, childcare?
My husband has worked away midweek for a significant part of our 21 year marriage. It is difficult but not impossible. I have felt resentful in past about managing everything on my own but he had to go where the jobs were.

hi scurryfunge, my family is actually where his work is ,he boards with my mum at the min . but i have a lot of very very good friends here and i have been a single mother for yrs before so i know i can do it , its just not what i expected from my marriage , i guess naievly i taught it would be different this time around picture in my head of us both been the taxi person and nappy person lol ,sharing the up and downs together , it gives me hope that after 21yrs it works still , he said he does nt want to move because we would be living in a housing estate as his job is in the city and he like hobbies in the garden and the open space , and he does nt want to live their , i know i am a worryer anyway , i guess i just have to make sure our wk end s are brill !! i just keep thinkin that we are going to slowly grow apart ,
thank you for replying

Hi, you might be better off posting this under 'Relationships' as others may be in a similar position. People are of course different and my take on it is fuelled only by how i would feel personally, though i'm aware other people have different tolerances and life pressures which may dictate how they would feel about their DH working away from home on such a regular and prolonged basis.

Fwiw, i would be ok with this arrangement in the short term and DH and I have spoken on a 'what if' basis about just this. Sometimes life dictates that you have to make sacrifices, but it's all about deciding whether the sacrifice is worth it in your eyes. You sound very unhappy and, reading between the lines, this is all about what your DH wants with little consideration for you. He may well have a good career that he wants/ needs to pursue but at what cost? Your wellbeing is just as important - in fact more so, since as primary care giver your wellbeing impacts more directly on the happiness and stability of your DC.

But equally, you don't seem to know what you want - possibly because you are worrying about accommodating him too much. I think you need to get a bit tougher about voicing your opinions and feelings. I don't think it's particularly healthy for a relationship to continue like this long term, especially (though not exclusively) when DC are involved. You need help emotionally, physically, mentally, and ideally from a close partner, to raise children. I simply do not see how that can work on a sustained basis when your DH spends so little time at home. I also happen to think that with geographical distance the risk of increased emotional distance is greater which can lead to other marital problems.

I would not be happy at all with this arrangement long term and there would come a point when i needed to decide whether my DH's happiness was worth more than my own. In my case it isn't - i went into a partnership, and i would feel extremely resentful about the lack of support and inability to consider my feelings. If his job is worth more than your happiness and relationship then i think i would be advising separation. But before it came to that i'd be seeking some sort of compromise. Tbh if our lives depended so much on my DH's job, i would probably be pushing to move closer to where his job was. Cities are generally sounded by some kind of suburb or countryside/ towns/ villages nearby so it is not unfeasible that if you were to seriously look at moving you might find somewhere that isn't in a 'housing estate' within a short commute.

Was he working to this arrangement before you got married OP or has it recently changed?

At first I thought you were going to say he works abroad Mon - Fri and could understand him not wanting to uproot the family. Now, though, it sounds bizarre that he lives with your mum and doesn't want you and the family to move closer. Is this because he doesn't want the 14 year old to have to change schools?

How far away does he work?

For me it all hinges on the fact of how long he has been doing this and whether you knew this before you got together.

thanks so much for your input matana, i have talked to my friends about it which obviously can see my side and his family which obviously on his side cause well they dont want us to move away naturally enough, i needed someone s oppion that was nt on either side ,
we just seem to argue when i bring up moving , he just does nt take me seriously he think im being over emotional because im pregnant and because i did nt have a prob with it at the start , which is true because i taught it was only short term , and believe me i would nt have a prob with this if i knew it was short term, you could see the light at the end of the tunnel then . i have told him everything that has gone through my head its our furture im worried about , how could we not start living seperate lives being apart for so long , after a few yrs its bound to happen ? i know that s fine for some people , but that s not what i want from our marriage , which i have told him last night , thank you

hi numberlock ,
he started this new job 7 months ago and he said it would be a tempory living situation , in the summer he told ne that this will be the way its going to be because he cant afford to come home every night, and he would be too tired , so that when i brought up moving to him , our 14 yr old would have to move school s which bothers me i would weight untill next yr when he finishes her exams if we were to move,
the reason its all commin to blows at the min is because he want s to buy a house here not where he
works , and i too think its bizarre

oh sorry numberlock he works about an hr and a half away

I agree that it sounds odd, especially as he finishes work at 3. What time does he start in the morning?

OK he doesn't want to do a 3 hour commute every day but surely he could get back once a week? Especially when you have a new baby.

Something doesn't sound right here. How is everything else in the relationship?

In your place I would move closer to his job.
I appreciate you have friends close where you are now, but family life is more important.
Many families live for years with this type of arrangement and it works for them, but every family is different and if it not working for you then moving is the best alternative.
What reason does he give you for not wanting you to move?

everything good we are only married a year , and i do trust him , and he did say that when the babys born he would try and get home once during the wk , i guess i dont believe him cause he cant do it now when im asking him too , he works at 6 in the morning till 3 sometimes till 4 or 5 , . i dont want him to be tired and grumpy for having to travel home either , sometimes i feel like a nagging wife just for wanting my husband home , i find it causes alot of other prob too , eg: when he comes home fri he heads to pub to relax fri nights , i get he needs to relax but sometime s it feels like he jst in and gone out again ,where as if we were living in the same hse i would nt have a prob with him going out at all to relax on a fri because i would have seen him all , wk, my heads recked !!!

when he comes home fri he heads to pub to relax fri nights

It's all about him then isn't it? I work with people who commute daily 1.5 hours in each direction and they survive.

What time do you spend together as a family or couple? The Friday night drink only leaves Saturday and Sunday by which time he's getting ready to go back again! (Does he go Sunday night or Monday morning?)

hi timetoask ,
i want to move closer i think its the best thing for the future of our family , i dont know anymore maybe he just like s living seperate lives or enjoy s boasting about his sacrifice living away from his family , to his friends and me (which drives me crazy )
his reason for not wanting to move our, he wants to live in the countryside with plenty of space , he wants to live close to his family , he does nt want to uproot everyone , and he doesnt want to live in a city , honestly i wish we could sit down and go over all the pro s and cons together, but we are both stubborn and end up stopping the conversation so we dont fight anymore about it

hi numberlock ,
god i feel like im painting a bery bad picture of him , i love him dearly and thats why i feel this way i suppose , i guess im letting him have more of a say because im unemployed for the last 5 months trying to get a job but being pregnant its even harder as you can imagine ,so he is the breadwinner at the min he s the one holding us afloat , we do spend sat as a family , not all sundays and he goes back sun night , i dont know why im the only person in this relationship that has a prob with this !!

It sounds extremely one-sided, mummy. He tells you how it's going to be and you have to put up with it.

The fact that you aren't working is irrelevant, you still have a say in how your family is organised.

I have a close friend whose husband works away Monday to Friday. In return, they spend all weekends together doing family stuff. He wouldn't dream of disappearing to the pub as soon as he got home and he'll go back first thing on Monday morning. They make sure that they go away as a couple (ie without children) at least twice a year. And make time for family holidays. That's the compromise they make for the family/job situation during the week.

he wants to live in the countryside with plenty of space , he wants to live close to his family , he does nt want to uproot everyone , and he doesnt want to live in a city

Me, me , me!

maybe if i stop trying to move , pushing it and propose that compromise that your friends doing he ll listen to me , he ll have to compromise his wk end too though or it wont work , thanks numberlock :)
i know its irreleveant me not working , but when your not bringing anything home sometimes it feels like it cause you have to rely on someone else to do anything , instead of yourself , i guess i feel like i dont have the right to nag him about it , and then it builds up inside and comes out all the wrong way