How to support my friend with nightmare 2yo

[hazeldog]

my next door neighbour is really going through it with her 2yo and i wonder if any MNers have words of wisdom and experience.
shes a single mum with a useless alcoholic babyfather who left her when she was pregnant. he recently started demanding contact with guilt trips and she accepted as she was desparate for some child care but was inconsistent and unreliable and completely blew it by not even a text on his sons birthday so she is on her own with DS again. she has a history of MH problems and is on the sick. she suffers a lot with stress and anxiety.
im starting to wonder if her DS has some learing difficulty or ADD perhaps. he is not making any real progress towards talking although he understands lots of words he just points at things and goes "errr..errrr" and is miles away from stringing two words together. he is very destructive around the house and rough with pets. no matter how many times he is told something he just ignores it. he gets in the chicken coop and rolls in shit. he has no concept of his own safety, throws himself off things, tries to get into campfires, he constantly goaded my partners very old grumpy dog despite the dog growling and everybody telling him "stay away from that dog he will bite you" eventually the dog got snappy and had to be put down before he really did bite him (it was on the cards anyway), he dosent seem to know or care that his nappy is full...i dont know if this is all just normal. its hard to explain.
he wanders over to ours quite often and i try to entertain him for as long as possible to give his mum a break but after a few minutes he starts trashing the place or pokes and pinches our 4mo and makes him cry and i have to send him back to his mum. you just cannot get through to him, he hears, he understands, he ignores.
i know she is getting to the end of her tether and i really feel for her. he knows how to get a reaction from her and just pushes and pushes. its bringing up loads of childhood stuff for her. her father was violent and abusive and although it sounds horrible sometimes you do just feel like giving her son a smack when he stomps on your foot for the umpteenth time and keeps making the same repetetive whiny noises. i know she feels horibly guilty for even thinking of hitting him and she is really struggling to cope. she has no family nearby and when she looked into getting a childminder one day a week it was prohibitively expensive.
what can we do to help her out? was anybody elses child like this? does it sound like ADHD or just normal terrible twos?

She will be able to get funding if she is a single mum on low income

www.somerset.gov.uk/irj/public/services/directory/service?rid=/guid/70bb5ef6-52d9-2f10-95b5-fd0f5647f17e
show her this link, the health visitor can help by referring her to the childrens centre/ arranging a joint visit with the outreach worker from the childrens centre. HTH

This is the form which it looks like she can apply direct
www.somerset.gov.uk/irj/go/km/docs/CouncilDocuments/SCC/Documents/CYP/Application%20for%20Free%20School%20Meals%20%26%202%20Year%20Old%20Funding.pdf

Hazel I dont mean playgroup where mum stays, I mean playgroup where the DCs stay, like nursery but cheaper and for shorter times.

Like this here

or this here

sounds like she needs a break as much as anything else, those are just smaply playgroups, there will be loads close by.

Hiho I had never heard of one where mum leaves! Sounds like just the thing.

Anxious thanks that's great I will pass it on to her.

Thanks for all these helpful comments.

I just hope that the lack of a postal address in the county won't exclude her. Its taken 6 months to get a go to take her on. You wouldn't believe the amount of computer says no crap we get trying to access services.

Oh.. I just realized we are in north east Somerset its a different council.

• get a gp to take her on

They exist in every county - they provide care for a max of 3 hours and are a lot cheaper than private nursery.

If you ring your council they will have a list - they usually run fibre.5-2.75 hours - it looks like they are called pre school rather than Playgroup where you live.

My DD loves going and it's a break a few moorings a week.

Good luck.

*run for 2.5 - 2.75 hours

There's a B&NES page on preshools here. Afraid that you'll have to call to get times/places, but they should be friendly.

ill suggest it to her. sadly it looks like early years funding here starts at age 3 and the number of places are limited

hazeldog, she definately can get it. She just needs to go to the childrens centre if address will be a problem. see this link www.thisisbath.co.uk/Expansion-free-childcare-places-year-old-children/story-16531451-detail/story.html

i was minding a friends three year old boy and he had a full nappy... so i said 'come on then lets change your nappy and make you nice and fresh'
and he said

'no this one is nice and warm. I dont want a cold one'

I was

If you look at page 21 of this it states that the health strategic partnership for the NHS in your area want to work with travellers to gain access to services. She has no reason to not approach the childrens centre. She may be entitled to 15 hours funding for nursery which could help her mental health, so the health visitor will be supportive that she is seeking support x I would definately be supportive and encourage her

Looks like the funding for 2 yr olds has literally just started this month. Great news :) I will let her know asap as there are only 140 places initially
On the up side she is in a better place emotionally today and when she heard about play groups that she could leave him at her face lit up. She is talking about applying for courses which is really positive. Another friend has agreed to do some paid childcare for her once a week.
They always say stuff like that about wanting to help travellers as the council are in hot water at the moment as they have failed to provide a single legal traveller site in 20 years. The HV said she would help my friend access a gp but never followed through. We have got an "equality officer" coming next week because we have zero facilities so maybe he can push for her to be priorotised for funding. I will believe it when I see it as we are entitled to all sorts legally but when it comes to actually getting it the computer says no more often than not.

hazeldog that the HV is not helping. Where I work we have an amazing HV working just with traveller communities locally and they have worked really well together. I'm a HV so we aren't all unhelpful / disinterested

No I know you're not. We don't even have a traveller liaison officer here. This area has traditionally been traveller tolerant soa lof of us live here but the council has deal with that by pretending we don't exist and hoping we go away and now they have a problem that they need to provide services and sites but don't really want to as it costs money and loses votes from a hostile electorate.

I have known plenty of 2yos who would not be safe around animals or campfires, and who would certainly not inform you if their nappy was full. And many, many 2yos who would not stop doing something just because they were told to.
Ime, unless you have a very placid child you need far more hands-on parenting than that: it's not fair to regard that as a problem with the child. Parenting classes sound a great idea.

My memory of the early years is of constantly trying to be one step ahead and outsmart them before they had even spotted the tempting chance to blow themselves up. And of constantly lifting them away, restraining them, stopping them from doing things. 2yos have memories like a sieve; you just can't rely on their cooperation to keep them safe.

Neither of my nephews spoke much at that age either; both are fine now and doing well at school. But it was frustrating for their parents at the time since other children of the family were already speaking in long sentences.

I'm glad it sounds like this lady is going to get some support.

cory i agree having heard what people have posted on this thread I dont think there is anything wrong with the child although he is probably at the more challenging end of 2 yo behaviour its the mums stress levels and lack of support that are the problem. i doubt she would go to a parenting class but a bit of respite would give her a chance to get her head together and calm down so she isnt flying off the handle every time he throws himself in the mud or ignores her.

"Hiho I had never heard of one where mum leaves! Sounds like just the thing."

there's one joined on to my local children's centre, its 2 hour sessions, and there's one every day - its not a drop in you book in for the same day every week. It isn't enough to work but enough for a break/to use the internet at the childrens centre or to do a bit of study or chilling out!

also the parenting course provides a free creche so that might be an incentive for her to go

good luck to her, and its lovely that she has such a caring neighbour!

You sound like a lovely friend!

Could you accompany her to a local playgroup? I know your DC is still tiny, but it wouldn't be unusual.

the stupid thing is that there IS support out there, but nobody tells you about it unless you know it exists and demand it! even my children's centre won't tell you about everything that's on offer there unless you ask specifically about it (e.g. the subsidised post natal exercise class with free creche - you access it through referal from HV and its run at the children's centre, but neither the CS or HV will TELL you about it, you have to KNOW about it (somehow?) and demand to be referred! )

which is why you really do need to get some peer support in terms of chatting to mums with kids the same age - its the only way you hear about these things! NOBODY told me about homestart when I had mine and I REALLY needed something like that!