Parents of 3 year old boys please advise

[Valdeeves]

I am worried about my little boy as he is different to the
other children we have played with since about 13 months.

I need to know whether I should be looking at this as a
behavioural special need or whether its normal, I do not
want to bury my head in the sand if he needs a diagnosis. I also need to add we have a premature, newborn baby so behaviour is heightened but not really different.

A typical day with my son:

Eats breakfast, then watches a little Cbeebies TV while I get our things organised. He needs firm discipline to get dressed.
We go to a playgroup with me laying down expectations in the car - he plays nicely until he has
to share - he then shouts or hits other children
with whatever is in his hand. We leave immediately, he kicking and screaming so violently the other mums frequently gasp.
The same happens on a play date - in a house or at the park he cannot share. He will having a crying tantrum for an excessive time. Sometimes he draws back and hits with his full strength and drags a child by their hair - at which obviously I am intervene immediately. His favouriate toys are then confiscated until he has played nicely again with others at preschool or on a play date.

He's either excessively grumpy or stubborn or hyper - actively happy, running in circles, shouting loudly. Sometimes on a play date he will cry if the other child leaves then other times he will shout at the other child and tell them to go away when we arrive. He reacts to everything if it is the end if the world however small the issue. I have to follow him constantly else I always find another child crying and he looking shocked by their reaction (and grumpy) as he's hit them.

His ears are fine - and he is very articulate. I am now so exhausted by him and a new born and want to help us move out of this phase. Anyone got a child like mine as I haven't met another one?

Sigh - I'm really depressed. The routine the poster described was mine - but as my pregnancy became more advanced there was no way I could keep up with the sheer physical activity he needed. Probably no surprise birth was prem as I was exhausted.
My prob is I have a good ten years experience of autism, ADHD and various others and I don't know whether labelling is a good thing when really short of tsking drugs the help isn't there. It would just be the same but with a label.

And I just don't think he has them - the key elements are missing.

I say labelling in the sense that if he does have something it's mild. Whereas you want a formal diagnosis to move forward - I.e a label gets you the help you need and support for the child. Whereas at his level - if he is at any level hypothetically - it'd be too mild to get support.
For example - aggression could equal autism - but he doesn't hit the rest of the criteria so would he be considered someone who needed a classro assistant - no. Could he be easily misunderstood - yes.

Anyway thanks again for your honest comments and advice - ultimately I just want the best for my little boy so will bare it all in mind as we strategise constantly!

Iggley - he's one month of three but has hit all the milestones of a four year old.
I've done all the things you mentioned shy of the race but I'll try it.
We do do lots of stuff together like brushing teeth etc.
This will sound odd but the prem baby stress isn't really there - my son was prem too so we have dealt with most issues ok.

My 3.5yo ds1 has phases now where he can be like this - and have real meltdown tantrums. He is usually only particularly violent towards me and as he's been at nursery part time since he was 1yo he's quite good at sharing. We also have 4.5mo ds2 and although he loves ds2 and is great with him his behaviour has certainly deteriorated considerably since ds2's arrival.

I've also noticed that now the real meltdowns are very much triggered by hunger/tiredness and I've altered his routine to make mealtimes earlier and he's in bed by 6-6.30 and sleeps til 7-8am. I also give him a (healthy) snack of I sense he's starting down the irrational hunger driven meltdown.

Does your ds go to nursery/preschool yet? If he doesn't then that might be something to look at as my ds1's nursery is very good at teaching sharing.

Some of his tantrums are also attention seeking - I'd recommend 'The Incredible Years' book as it has good ideas on how to give attention in the right way and techniques for positive parenting rather than always having to be negative - ie taking away toys etc. I'd found that I'd got into a habit of threats/punishments too much as he seemed to respond to that but it might not have been helping so I'm trying this new method. Early days but he's certainly responding well to the different ways of giving attention/more praise for the good behaviours.

I thought the 2yo tantrums were bad but the 3yo ones are definitely worse as they know what they're doing and how to 'push your buttons'.

A random suggestion here which might help in the short term (and maybe put things in perspective);
how about having a break from playgroups/play dates etc for a week or two, and just hunker down with your toddler & baby (chilling out-pyjama days/cbeebies/scribbling together etc). Not for any kind of stimulation, development or learning but just spending time relaxing and avoiding potentially stressful situations. He might be glad of a few days at home without having to share, you might feel the break from potentially stressful situations and might be able to step back and relish in all his loveliness, and just 'be' for a while.

You might then be able to narrow down the trigger points further, then at least you can avoid the flashpoints where possible, or expose him to them as you see fit.

You sound like a fantastic mom to both your kids-give yourself a break and eat chocolate for breakfast in your pj's with your little ones! X

fattybum I love your posts. My DS1 is 4.5yo and he either will adjust to other kids at school and grow out of his miserable/grumpy/violent behavioural, or have serious behavioural issues. I think school is a real turning point - we are yet to see...

He might have hit th milestones (what are they?) but emotionally he's still only just 3.

I suspect a lot of it is because he has a new sibling. The world has changed for him and it's hard for him to articulate it. At times I feel like I don't know my DS because he (and I) have changed since dd came along.

We had a PJ day, scribbling etc but during it he had two of the hugest melt downs I've experienced. He really needs to get out to be honest but as I'm breast feeding its kind of putting some places on hold.
I naturally focus on the positives all the time due to the nature of my profession ( worked in tough inner city schools my whole career) but I've found now that to be honest he does need some punishments which show what he stands to lose.
He's such a lovely kid - I'm so proud of him I just need to get through this phase as on no sleep its breaking me.

I've spend the week liaising with the nursery so we can both be consistent. He's gone for two days a week since he was ten months.

Are you sure there's no sibling rivalry? Are you reassuring, giving extra cuddles etc?

He's not 3, he's only 2, isn't he?
Can he never share with anyone? That was the part that struck me, and maybe the insecurity about friends leaving, as being quite unusual. I think it's too early to say much of anything, though.

He seems normal.

You seem to over react rather than play things down. If other mothers gasp, it is at you, not at him. (Not sure that reassures you)

He will not understand the rules and expectations, nor the logic. He will listen to mummys voice happy that you are talking to him. You might as well be talking Arabic or Portugeese or even Swedish for all that he cares.

You're not shouty? Perhaps he needs to see that you're very angry at his behaviour when he hits other children or snatches off them etc rather than just leaving immediately. My ds1 did not need shouting at when he misbehaved at that age - if he knew that we disapproved even a tiny bit he was devastated, even so much as a raised eyebrow would upset him!!! He always wanted to behave well to please us. Whereas ds 2 was much more spirited at that age, and he only really took any notice of us if we really shouted loudly at him and were obviously disapproving. AS WELL as the removing from the situation/time out etc.

I just believe that some kids need a firmer hand than others. I got fed up of being at playgroups where other kids were violent or misbehaved and all their mum would do was say in a weedy little no authority whatsoever type of voice "no, we don't do that, it's not nice" and 5 mins later they're doing it to another kid. I always used to think "for god's sake, woman, you've got a ds2 type there - you need flashing eyes, frowny face and very stern authoritative shouting. "

For what it's worth I found my ds2' very wearing at that age. he was VERY hard work. He was a nightmare when tired or hungry and even now he's 6 he will get grumpy when he's either one of those. But he did come through it and is a lovely fantastic boy now who everyone adores. I do think that being extremely firm and shouty when he was younger and NEVER giving in helped him to modify his behaviour though.