Anxiety and cant go to sleep. DD aged 10 please help im losing it

[ledkr]

Hi. My dd is 10 and has become increasingly anxious over the last few months. It is largely centred around me,she thinks im going to die or leave her and hates me going out which I dont do often.
So as not to drip feed,me her father split up 9 yrs ago,he sees her but only once a week and this has been largely pushed by me as he was erratic initially.He has 2 new dd's with his partner who she adores.
I am also remarried and have been with him for 6 yrs.He is a lovely man,very family oriented and has put lots of time into building a relationship with her despite the fact she spends most of her time putting him down and being nasty.
We have a little girl of 19month who was dd1's dream come true. All of these things have not seemed to have affected her so far and i feel we have handeled very sensitively. eg I took her on holiday for a week with just me 4 months after dds was born.
So the anxiety started with getting panicky if i was too long if I popped out day or night,checking where I would be when at school etc.She then went to not even wanting to stay in the car whilst I pay for petrol.
She started to call a lot at night after she is put to bed. I settle her and she seems fine although checks im not going out and where ill be,this went on to asking me to have the tv on loud,leave doors open and use a baby monitor
It has got so bad now that she calls from 9 untill midnight. Where are you?I cant hear you,you wont leave me will you?What are you doing?Are you in bed? and my favourite "are you asleep?" when i am.
We have tried reassurance and talking to her,audio books,lavender,later and earlier bedtimes.She does lots of activities and takes part in sports and stuff at school so very active.
Last night was horrendous and yet she got up this morning as if nothing has happened. We are exhausted as get absolutley no rest from it and she has woken the baby a few times.
I hate to admit it but last night i felt as if i was losing my patience and began to think it maybe some sort of power game.At 11pm she was shouting down for me to say goodnight but I told her I had already said that and asked her to go back to bed,not sure if that was petty but i just felt it was another excuse to call down.
Any experiences or advice would be great. Dh is on lates for the next 4 nights and I am dreading it.

Have you tried instigating a special and regular time to have with her? Maybe Friday nights could be "Girls night" and you could have a quiet film and sweets together in your bed?

Or what about a regular out for coffee and cake...just the two of you?

Perhaps it's a bit of jealousy now that the newness has worn off the baby?

Thanks for replying. I do do lots with her,maybe too much. We have days out and cinema trips with dinner out and bed nights when dh is on nights we go shopping etc. Last week we were going into Covent Garden from Essex (visiting pils) but she got so freaked out when I asked her if she still wanted to go that we didnt go.
I have to somehow regain my sympathy because I admit its gone and I just feel angry as soon as she starts.I cant remembr the last time I was able to read a book or watch a film woithout constant interuptions,i fall asleep angry and upset and probably so does she.Its awfull.

Is she doing any activities with DC her own age?

Yes,dancing,guides and drama also very happy and active at school is a prefect and house captain and has lots of friends.She is a lovely girl,its such a shame.I need to find my sympathy.

Different scale, but I have an 8 year old DD who gets very anxious, and can take a long time to settle at night. A couple of things that have helped:

A "worries book". She would write what she was worried about (or tell me and I'd write). Then we'd both think of things that we could do to help. So "worried about new swimming class" would have things like:
mum to make sure we get there early
think about last time I joined a new group - it was scary but I was fine and made new friends
mum to talk to the teacher and make sure I know their name
try to smile and be friendly to the other children

You could have things like:
Mum to tell me what time she'll be back
Mum to phone if she's going to be late
think about other times when Mum has gone out, and been fine
think about how very very unlikely it is that something bad will happen - you might want to liken it to rolling a 6 on a die over and over again
Mum to drive carefully, and not drive too fast etc etc

It was her secret book, she used to have something to put in it every night, hasn't used it for ages. Not sure whether it was the suggestions that helped, or just having 1-1 time and a bit of a chat.

On some nights, when my DD has got herself really worked up and is almost hysterical, I've lain on the floor of her room until she's gone to sleep by which time I'm often asleep and DH wakes me. She calms right down, has a decent night's sleep and we don't get the constant calling out / appearing downstairs. Sitting outside her room with a book sometimes helps, or just promising to be upstairs in my room (within earshot) for a bit. It does sound a bit extreme, but it works (possibly provides whatever reassurance she needs?), and doesn't happen very often (2-3 bad nights, then fine for weeks).

Good Luck; you will get through this.

My own DD does the calling down thing...she is 8. When she calls down, her Dad always goes up and has one extra cuddle with her. then that's it....and she knows that no matter how many times she yells down, she won't get us up there.

Unless she is ill of course.

It works and she usually sleeps by 9.30 at the latest.

Yes I need to be responding more sympathetically as I had been previously but she has pushed me so far that I have run out. Have just been to health shop in my lunch and bought lavender and rescue remedy and they reccomended a b complex which I bought too. Failing that its a mallet.

Having a DH on lates doesn't help! It drives you POTTY in the end I know! I would go with the mallet