At what age did your nine-year-old dd ...

[strictlycaballine]

• start putting themselves to bed,
• start putting out their school clothes the night before,
• start getting themselves ready for extra curricular activities on time (without nagging)
• start bathing themselves (without a tantrum)
• start doing homework on time without being nagged??

Or .. at least ....generally start taking a bit of responsibility for themselves?

The reason I ask is that dd's behaviour is horrible atm (related to the above, specific activities) and in the past when she has been rebellious/angry it's because she has moved on in terms of development but we failed to give her more responsibility or freedom... but I fail to see how to do this when she hasn't yet mastered the above list (without a lot of protest and misery along the way anyway).

I know it's a pipe dream to expect her to do all of the above perfectly all of the time but surely she should be getting the hang of some of them? Right now she is having a tantrum about having to have a bath (behaviour more appropriate to a five year old than a nine year old I would have thought)

She's an only child so I'm not very good at knowing where her development is/should be, in comparison to that of her peers. I'd really appreciate the advice of more knowledgeable/experienced mothers.

Where am I going wrong please?

Time keeping in this house will always be a disaster.

DD1 and me are dyslexic, leaving enough time to get ready is a total blank spot.

At 14 DD1 still can not read an analogue clock reliably, this is a child with level 7 maths who can read a vernier micrometer no problem

We both do everything in a rush at the last minute.

DD2 cannot rush, she gets flustered and panics.

Thinking about it, I need to write her a time table with when we need to leave and when she has to start getting ready. I'm never going to remind her on her time frame.

I don't even know what a vernier micrometer is Startailoforangeandgold!! Sounds v. impressive indeed!!

My cousin's child is dyslexic and they have similar time-keeping issues. Hope the chart helps!

I don't have the excuse of dyslexia for being late ... As ever with parenting, must look to myself first and set good example. Can't say I am doing wonderfully at that if I am honest. [There's a good reason why I don't nag dd about tidying her bedroom ]

Complicated scientific measuring gadget that lets you measure very accurately, way more mind numbing that a nice simple watch. warning very geeky

Issy
I can't call my dyslexic DD1 dippy anymore, she grew up overnight on starting high school

Thank for link Startailoforangeandgold! Am thoroughly impressed !! and nteresting about high school - I guess that is where peer influence helps to move things along.

Issy arf at (unrelated) ninja teachers and hollow laughs!

Oh yes to the inclination as well as the competence. I think we are struggling more (except for genuine lack of judgement related to timing) with the former than the latter!

And yes to developmental spurts as opposed to steady linear progress (which is what makes it all so bewildering sometimes I think). Your post is v. reassuring too because I can look forward to years 10 and 11 with a bit more hope!

Think you may have spotted a gap in the market there btw - "how to get to bed/do your homework/get organised on time" phone apps for dc!!

Do you think at nine she might still like to be 'put to bed'? Not with the dressing/teeth bit obviously as she should be doing it herself - but perhaps she would like to still have a bedtime story? Even when you can read it can still be nice to have a parent read to you, maybe something that's a bit above her own reading level. I know I still enjoyed that at 9 and beyond :)

Apologies if I'm way off the mark there, but I wonder if having some 'quality time' with mum or dad might actually help her cope with growing up and mean less fuss with the other things on your list?

There's something to that, I find my older ones often hanging about my room when I try to go to bed, or evidently delighted if I stop in their rooms at bed time & just "hang out" chatting with them.

Yes -good idea Fuzzpig and lljkk

We do read together in English very regularly (she is educated in other languages so this is quite important) but that's during the day/after school/on the sofa as dh tends to put her to bed (although he travels regularly so I do do a fair few bedtimes)

Maybe we should start sharing the bedtimes a bit more though ... thanks ...will ponder ...

And definitely need to place more emphasis on the "positive" and the "fun" rather than negative nagging ...

I have a 9 year old dd.
She will put herself to bed if she's told it's bedtime.
She showers/baths herself.
She packs her school bag and extras like swim kit.

Actually DD1 is pretty immune to peer pressure in the normal sense, but she did work out that the more organised she was the less flustered she got.

Getting flustered easily had given the bullies at primary a field day. Some of the boys realised hiding her things was huge fun as the teacher just believed she'd been her normal scatty self and lost them.

She was determined not to let it happen again.

Also senior school also has it's share of ninja teachers and forgotten HW or PE kit is liable to land you in detention.

AS for DD2 (11) her normally organised nature has deserted her completely. I'm hoping it's a short lived starting, secondary school and having a vague bug at the same time glitch. I really could do with normal service being restored.

sorry - only just read your latest response startail
I hope my dd will evenutally work out that disorganisation leads to fluster. Atm, she doesn't seem remotely concerned about being late/forgetting things etc and is totally blasé about it all. (Possibly because we, or the school, haven't yet allowed her to fully experience the consequences.)

Your dd sounds v. well behaved indeed crazyGracie

for the bath thing, can't she just get a shower as soon as she gets up in the morning? It saves the hassle of trying to get them to do it when they would rather be doing something else - though two of my boys have tried it on with pretending they have showered when they haven't! Mostly it works though.

Clothes - we don't put out the day before, they are hung up in the wardrobe and it isn't difficult at all for them to find what they need in the morning. Putting out the night before just creates more work and mess.

Putting themselves to bed - I dream of mine doing this! If I don't go up there, they thump, giggle and chat until I do (three boys share a room). I would say though, that teeth and changing can be done earlier on in the evening and then you can have some family time together downstairs, so that the actual putting to bed bit causes minimal harassment and only takes a couple of minutes.

Getting ready in the mornings - I once took one of mine to school with no breakfast since he hadn't had time to eat it due to messing about in the morning. I think he was in reception at the time! I did rustle up a quick bacon sarnie and let him have it in the playground but the pure humiliation of having to eat his bfast in the playground meant I've not had to do it again! If they are getting short on time, I just carry on with what I am doing but start calling out at intervals - 15 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes and they soon get moving.

I've got four and would drive myself round the twist if I had to stand behind them for everything.

dd(8) gets her clothes out for school and gets dressed without reminders, has a shower and gets ready for and into bed without nagging. Homework requires being told "do you homework NOW". The getting out the house however is a total nightmare and requires a 15 minute lead in time.

Also expect mine to make their own snacks if they want one, get their own milk and occassionally make a meal (salad, sandwiches, soup/beans/spuds in microwave).

DC1 is just 8. I'm not sure what you mean by 'putting themselves to bed', she goes up by herself, reads for a while and then one of us will go and say goodnight/tuck her in.

She doesn't put her clothes out the night before, but she gets them out in the morning, gets dressed, brushes her hair/teeth, sorts out her bag with homework/water bottle etc. by herself.

She get's herself ready for ballet, I don't nag, but do need to tell her when it's time and sometimes rush her along a bit.

She showers/washes her hair herself. She also dries her hair and gets ready for bed by herself.

She's does her homework with no problem usually.

She also brings her washing down on washing day and will take it up and put it away after it's been washed. If I'm rushed for time or she's at a loose end she'll also take it off the line and fold it up. She will lay the table/clear the table. She is responsible for keeping her room tidy and she makes her own bed. She's really great at keeping an eye on/playing with the baby.

DC2 is 18 months younger and honestly I don't think he's going to be able to manage this when he's 25 !

Thanks for yet more replies - all really useful stuff to know!

Chopstheduck thanks - great to have wisdom/insight from such an experienced parent! I think being confronted with a shower (one of dd's most hated things in the world) immediately after emerging from a duvet in the morning would lead to utter melt down. And I can imagine how the clothes of 4 dc hanging up the night before creates unnecessary clutter - but with only one - it really does seem to help. (Especially as her clothes are in our bedroom atm owing to renovation works) Very much like the idea of getting ready for bed earlier though - teeth, pjs etc - and then coming down for stories etc. Think I will try that. Sounds much calmer all around! Will also try and do a bit more "counting down" prior to deadlines. Thanks again.

gooseyloosey and Holyautumn thanks - I like the idea of introducing laundry and snack-making duties ... I think I will broach those once we have a handle on everything else!

glad it's just not me who is constantly nagging reminding Nopofacehavel but impressed that your dd follows instructions first time!

It's obvious from eveyrone's replies that dd is perfectly capable of doing more. We've had a marginally better week this week (although difficult to judge precisely because she's had sports day, a morning off for the orthodontist and now we have two days off (state holiday + teaching day) so not a usual wk. Will keep on it though ....