Hello and managing worrying 9 year olds behaviour

[Lovesdisney]

Hi im new here so please forgive my mistakes if I make any.
I need some advice.
backbround
9 year old middle of 3 girl, she is never called the middle child
lovely baby
terrible tanrums age 1-3
angel til age 5
had horrible virus at age 5 and tantrums returned but have been copable with til last 3-4 months
Older sister very hormnal age 11 just stated secondary school, brother age 5 has slight coordiation issues due to hypermobility
School she is lovelly to all and struggles with phonics but elewhere above average, teachers look at me with amazement when I talk about tantrums.

This weekend has been auful
Sat am hits older sister as she came home from activity and wanted to join in a game but couldn't in the way she wants. Result big arguement majour drama child goes and hides under high sleeper refused to communicate for good hour. When calm i state don't like hitting, hitting is not good, discuss strategy for next time.
Later in day almost a repeat of above only 5 year old brother shoved to the floor 3 or 4 times . back to hiding inthe bedroom
Sunday friends around to play. something triggers child to hit sister. All fiends sent home and back to the hiding under bed.
Today was the most worrying, tought she was getting dressed but was playing witht the scissors there were several light scratch marks on her chest area that could have been caused by scissors or she could have been scratching the area as that area had irritated her on sunday when she had been wearing a leotard all day. I said were you huring yourself, she said no and then hid under the bed. Very frustrating and worrying.We were due at school.We did get there on time just.
I find the violence to siblings hard to deal with, we do not do slapping or hitting, the other children are no starting to mirror this child laguage that is not ever been part of their vocab. I have never used slapping with my children it is just a no go area so the expectaition is I don't hit you so you don't hit each other.
Husband is just like sort it out then, i'm like we need to work together. there is no magic wand

These events seem to come out of the blue, I don't always know the trigger
statements come out of the blue like you hate me, everyone hates me, I hate my sister. We have tried logic, ignooring, shouting, talking even humour.

This is all making life at home very hard, one hormonal 11 year old, one fiv year old in his own world and the 9 year old I am finding hard to develop a stategy to heal things before they get any worse.

lookin online it is also not obviouse where you can go to talk though an issue to get help.

Bilmey i've typed a lot but do feel better sharing

Please any suggestions on what I do next will be much appriciated

Kids can be little sods can't they :)

First off I think they all hit. My eldest hits her sister. I don't like it. I punish it. But it doesn't stop it. I used to bite my brother :)

Your 11 year old is only going to get more hormonal :) So breathe deeply and make sure you have a nice bottle of wine in the fridge for the days ahead.

Your middle DD sounds like a smart cookie - whenever she does something naughty she preempts you punishing her or telling her off by going off to her bedroom and hiding. That means you either spend your time worrying she is not communicating or trying to cajole her to come out so you can leave home. That's a lot of power for a child to have.

It doesn't sound like she was trying to harm herself with the scissors. You did the right thing in challenging her. Now just make sure the scissors are away safely where she can't find or reach them in the future. If you are concerned still or worry it put ideas in her head put some child locks on your drawers where your scissors/knives are.

Is a 'high sleeper' like one of those 'beds in the sky' things - a bunk bed with no bottom bunk kind of thing? If so, take it apart and let her have a bed on the floor - it would be hard to hide under a 'low sleeper' :)

It sounds like you have tried a lot of strategies - so your clever daughter is thinking to herself 'ah ha, they don't know how to stop me and they keep changing their minds'. Stick to a few well chosen strategies - loss of privileges, time out etc. But make sure that you get a consistent and long term improvement before restoring privileges. Don't give her something back just because she parroted 'sorry' and said it wouldn't happen again. Let her actions speak louder than her words.

Thanks for the repy you have made me smile.

Yep its a mid sleeper that we keep a matress under for guests plus a 1001 teddies and dolls. I had thought about taking it appart but where do we put the teds.

I do agree it is her way of control. I do try very hard to ignoor the hiding under the bed issue but her sister will make matters worse by reporting she is banging on the wall or floor.She has been known to be disruptive/deface/cut hair on dolls etc when in hiding mode.
It also doesn't help that DH often will give a different response to a situation. Me"no you can't have sweets". Dad "yes she can later if shes good" GRRRR. Me "it was her punishment for X" sudstitute sweets for other things too. Kids are good at playing the adults off against each other.

The negative comments are also very wearing. Her telling the whole world at every oportunity that she hates her sister but then expects her to play with her is ust baffling and not nice. It is no wwonder DS is in his own world as he is often used as a prize betweent he competing girls.

The 11 yr old hormones, well I sort of feel preparred for as she is behaving exactly as I did at 11, it is a shock to Dad though.
Right tonight we will sit down and decide on one stategy and stick to it which DH will probably not stick to but I will as it is me who basically orgainses the family life

The scissors will be moved to a sensible place. Strange that we have never felt the need to pack the scissors away since DS was 3. Still life changes

List of things to do.....
Pack away scissors
Lunch for me
await parcel delivery
prepare tomorows work
prepare tea
washing
email boss plus 27 others
acivites to get kids to
deep breath
discuss strategy with DH
11 year olds homework
lunch boxes
did I forget anything ahhh
buy bottle of wine........

Where to you put the teddys/dolls - in a large black sack until she earns them back with good behaviour.

If she cuts things up/damages toys - throw them away. If they belong to a sibling make her pay for the replacement.

Ignore the sibling who is telling on her for banging on the walls etc. The wall will always win; all she'll get is sore feet :)

I also recommend Have a new kid by friday - quick book to read, good strategies to apply - like 'say it once, turn your back, walk away'