Unkindness in school: Should I contact the parents? What else should I do?

[Dysgu]

DD1 is having a hard time with a friend in school. They are friends because they have been with the same childminder every day for the last 3 years. They have both just started Year 1. (DD1 is 6 and friend is 5.) They rarely get to play with each other outside school.
DD1 is VERY introverted and quiet in school. She holds her own at home with DD2 (3.5yo) but is very anxious in new situations and hates to be the centre of attention.
This friend is insisting that DD1 play with her in school (they are in different classes) but they MUST play the friend's game. DD1 says she is scared to say no as friend will cry and then DD1 will have no one to play with.
DD1 just had her birthday party - she invited 20 children and 11 turned up. She did seem happy to mix with all of them but did seem to be shadowed by this particular friend for the duration of the party. DD1 has previously said that none of her friends want to play with her and that she wanders the playground asking to play but that they say no.
I have asked the child minder who confirms that this friend is very over bearing at the childminder's house and agreed that I should mention it in school. She confirmed that the friend will cry if she doesn't get her own way.

I have written a note to the class teacher to ask them to monitor DD1 on the playground and hope to get out of work early on Thursday to go and see the teacher in her 'drop-in' session after school.

However, I do know the friend's parents. They live round the corner and I used to work with the mother. We occasionally see each other at the child minder's and will chat (about work - teachers!) and do see each other at parties (the children's). Should I mention this situation to them? Could that be the easiest way to sort it - I know if the positions were reversed, I would want to know and would discuss how to change it with DD1. (We have tried role-play but she is too timid!)

Sorry this is so jumbled - I am feeling very emotional about this (which may be due to WOHM guilt or the fact I am pregnant and exhausted).

WWYD?

Can you ask DD who else she likes? Which other girls are kind? And then invite for playdates asap.

Also...look into hr joining Rainbows...it has helped my introverted DD massively.

Be careful about approaching the other girl's parents. It is very difficult to have this kind of conversation without appearing to criticise their DD, which makes most parents very defensive. Better to deal with it through the school IMO.

Hi, I would be thinking about changing CM to get your DD away from this child so much and also put in some effort to get your DD playing with the other kids.

Don't approach other parents but raise your concerns at school.

What does the CM do about the overbearing behaviour?

It sounds like this is a long standing dynamic between the two of them?

Thank you for your thoughts. Yes, I think this is a long standing issue and the CM says that DD1 will often try to stand up for herself there - or will simply go off and play with DD2.

I will be stopping work at Easter for maternity leave and we are looking at changing CMs when I go back to work - is the one we used when DD1 was small but she stopped CMing but is starting up again. Would feel bad about moving DDs now but is certainly something to consider if this becomes a bigger issue.

I think I will have to try to be more pro-active with play dates. Girls are with CM until 5.30 pm Monday-Thursday and until 4pm on Fridays. I will have to look at sorting out our weekends to be able to invite some other friends round - DDs do dancing and trampolining on the weekends and we see GPs too but I will have to fit in something around these things.

I will also look into Rainbows although I will have to ask CM perhaps how I go about finding out about such things. Where would I find out if there are any groups here?

Thank you again for all of these suggestions. I am not going to say anything to the parents, will speak to school and really look into other playdates and activities (and consider changing CM but would feel bad on both counts - leaving this one and using another but we won't be able to afford to keep using her when I am on maternity).

I have just done a search and it seems that there is a Rainbows group here and one across the river - I have already sent the enquiry to see if I can join her up.

Thank you again all.

You're welcome...there may be a waiting list for Rainbows but stick with it and you should be ok....at 7 she can join Brownies so enquire about that too.....go on the Girl Guiding UK site as well as it will let you know where they all are locally and give you numbers to call....you just send an email enquiry.

You might want to make some discrete enquiries about whether the little girl in questions attends Rainbows. If she does you should be able to find another group not too far away.

If you are a teacher you probably realise that the school should be looking at this as a whole class, in fact both classes, issue as well as supporting your DD in the playground. They should be modelling for your DD how she can express her own wishes appropriately and telling her who she should approach for help, how and when. They should also be working with the other girl to help her understand what is appropriate and how to consider the feelings of others.

Just saying they will keep an eye on her isn't enough at this stage because this could so easily become a bullying issue. Also, if your DD doesn't have an appropriate escape route she might act inappropriately in desperation.

My DD1 had a playground relationship like this which the school wouldn't tackle and it turned into bullying which the school still wouldn't tackle. After two years they moved on to a new school and she dealt with it herself, very inappropriately, and she was in a great deal of trouble for a few hours before they found out the history and dealt with the bullying properly.

Being in that much trouble, even for a few hours,was really traumatic for her because she, too, was very quiet and compliant and had never been told off before.

My Dds teacher...was brilliant when my DD (8) was struggling socially....she invented a new learning programme which involved traditional playground games...circle games basically....the teacher taught them and they all played together and it was so good for DD.

I am eternally grateful to this lovely teacher....maybe you could suggest similar?

There is no need to feel bad towards any CM, you have a professional contract, you are entitled to change providers at any time, as long as you stick to the terms of the contract.