Guilt over fussy eating

[mattDP]

Hi,

Eldest daughter has been a fussy eater as long as we can remember. She didn't wean easily and things have pretty much gone downhill from there. Nowadays all she actually likes to eat is processed junk food or plain rice/pasta. Her idea of a treat when we go out is to go to a Chinese and be allowed a plate of plain noodles in soy sauce.

We're vegetarian and we normally eat very healthily. Five or six nights out of seven we'll have home cooked food with lots of fresh vegetables and pulses. We all eat together as a family and most of the time we all have the same thing rather than giving different dishes to the kids.

Her toddler sister loves to eat, and will happily consume anything put in front of her. Not fussy at all! But elder daughter does everything she can to avoid eating. She'll talk endlessly. Put down her fork and stare out of the window. Drink all her drink and repeatedly ask for more. Leap on any excuse to get up from the table and do a little errand. When she's eventually made to eat, she pulls horrible faces as though she's swallowing snail slime or something.

It makes meal times very tense. We're both constantly watching out of the corner of our eyes to see if she's eating or avoiding it. And there's usually an inevitable confrontation about it: no major shouting matches or anything like that, just constant, tired, annoyed reminders to "eat up". Plus the range of healthy food she'll even tolerate is tiny and we're all fed up of eating the same dishes over and over.

With the new school term she went to a friends' house for tea last night, and the rest of us had a lovely time. We had a spicy curry, really tasty, and a completely stress-free meal with our toddler. I hadn't realised until that point how horrible mealtimes with elder daughter have actually become, and now I feel guilty about having a nice meal without her.

We need to do something, but I have no idea what. I was under the impression that most kids grew out of fussy eating by this age. There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to what she does or doesn't like: she'll eat carrots raw, but not cooked. She won't eat melted cheese, but will eat a cheese sauce. Imprecations that we could all go out more, she could eat with friends more if she was less fussy (both true) fall on deaf ears.

Cheers,
Matt

Why don't you cook something she will eat for her and something you would prefer for yourselves. It will be a pest cooking two different meals but, at least, it may prevent the tension.

It sounds as if the "battle" has been going on for a very long time and perhaps if you take the pressure off she may relax a bit and try something new.

Carrying on as you are is bound to lead to your younger daughter picking up on mealtime tension.

The worry over giving her what she likes is that the range is very small, and yet she seems to get bored with eating things repeatedly and starts to go off them making the range even smaller. So if we keep giving her things she "likes", she'll stop liking them.

Well our son is only 3 and a half but he is similar in that he has always been fussy right from the word go. Younger sister (2) eats everything. We just cook 1 thing but put the bits separate so he can have plain pasta/rice etc and depending on our enthusiasm levels try and persuade him to eat the other components of the meal. Not totally stress free but we get much less stressed than we used to.

How old is she?

She's six.

Good suggestion though. It doesn't fit well with the way we eat (we tend to cook things together in sauces or dressings) but we could try some different things, see if it helps.

How old is she and how is she size-wise?

My 20mo DD sounds just like your eldest - never weaned like all the other babies and limits herself to so few foods that she gets bored of them and the list gets smaller until I can introduce something new. I'm actually slightly envious of the list of foods your eldest will eat - pasta would be a dream! We're seeing a paediatrician as she's dropping off the growth charts - a dietician is reviewing her food diary and I think (hope) at our next appointment he's going to refer us to a psychologist who specialises in fussy eaters.

Is it worth a chat with your GP, perhaps, if you think she's not getting the nutrients she needs or isn't growing as you'd expect?

I feel for you as I know how tense meal-times can be - even though you try hard not to make it a battle ground it's hard not to surrepticiously watch what's being eaten. I'm actually looking forward to being able to persuade her to try things when she's a bit more verbal, but fear it'll end up being a fight.

If you find an answer I'll pay you handsomely for the secret!

I don't think 6 is that old to still be fussy (will be delighted if my eldest has given it up by then!). I think you just need to keep chipping away without letting it stress you out. Eg if you make pasta or noodles all mixed in just take a couple of mins to make some plain? I know some people will disagree with this but my ds just won't eat things all mixed together so we have to improve things gradually!

She's six and is healthy enough - she's very tall, usually has plenty of energy, and is rarely ill. But that's probably because we make her eat good quality food.

I draw the line at giving her plain pasta/noodles except as a very occasional treat. But we could give her things less "mixed in" and see where it gets us.

Well if she'll vaguely eat things mixed in then I think you're doing ok! I have definitely found myself in restaurant despairing of my child and noticed that other tables are discussing with their older child what to have and are having problems with fussiness which made me feel better. So you would probably find she's not the only one when compared to her peers. I think you just need to take pressure off her and you somehow as it doesn't help or make mealtimes pleasant and in my experience doesn't stop them being fussy either if you take the totally hard line approach.

There was a good thread on here a while ago about really fussy eaters and believe me there were some fussy kids on there!!

Mealtimes must be hell for her if she has to struggle so hard to swallow the food she's given, although it's clearly not a lot of fun for any of you. I imagine she is experiencing quite high levels of anxiety about food which will cause a vicious circle because anxiety can wipe out your appetite.

At six she is old enough to understand about healthy eating and to take a little responsibility.

Why not work out a plan which takes the pressure off her while encouraging her to still make an effort to taste different foods?

Can you sit down together and plan a menu for three or four days which takes into account her strong need for plain foods but includes a few different foods which she will make an effort to try. Let her control her own portion size because being in control will help her feel less anxious.

Make it a combination which she will find easy to cope with the first time and offer a reward for her to earn by eating things she finds harder. The key to this is making it an easy task so she starts to relax at mealtimes. let her choose not to earn the reward if the task is too hard and respond by making the next task a little easier or the next reward a little more attractive. If the first few days are successful encourage her to set herself a slightly bigger challenge for the next few and tell her how proud you are.

Think of someone she looks up to like perhaps her teacher that you can help her share her success with so she's getting lots of positive feedback.

Once she starts to feel safer about sitting eating with you, hopefully she will find she has more of an appetite and will eventually be able to volunteer to eat more things she's less keen on or even try new things.

It won't be easy not to put pressure on her but I think that giving her control with an incentive to lead her own progress is the only way you are likely to be successful.

I was very much like this as a child. Meal times were constantly about how much I was eating. My sister loved food & would eat anything.

I was very fussy. I liked melted cheese but not normal cheese or cheese sauce or anything remotely cheesy. I didn't eat yolks until I was about 12. I would try & hide food under food. I just wasn't fussed by it.

It wasn't until my early 20's I started enjoying food, which coincided with cooking for myself & choosing what I wanted. I now eat pretty much anything.

May be try and plan a menu with her and see if that helps