I think DS2 (6) is fundamentally unhappy

[citronella]

Up until now I have treated is as just his way or shyness with outsiders although it can verge on rudeness. A lot of the time when you address him he doesn't look you in the eye, or even look at you at all and doesn't answer so that you have to repeatedly say his name until he takes notice. At other times he will talk incessantly (relating a game of his invention for e.g) and won't let anyone else get a word in for maybe up to even 20mins. His most common frustrations are 'you are always interrupting me' or 'you never let me speak' or 'you are always annoying me' and recently ' my feelings are always being hurt' and 'they are mostly being hurt by the people I know'.
I think he is unhappy and I am the cause of it. I try to be loving but also feel I need to be fairly strict with boundaries (although some would say I am not enough) as well as I am a lone parent.
What am I doing wrong? How can I give him confidence but still stick to the boundary limits?

I don't think it's you, every child needs to be parented in a different way. His lack of eye contact, and his ability to talk constantly about something he's interested in does sound a little odd though. How is he if his routine is changed? When you have to leave the house suddenly for example.

I sometimes feel like this with my 6 year old DS, who has some of the behaviours you describe. How is he getting on at school? My DS's teacher asked us if we would mind if she asked the educational psychologist to observe DS, because he was so anxious at school that his work was suffering. Although I have mixed feelings about what the Ed Psych came up with, one thing she identified was that while DS is very academically able, his "social skills" are not at the same level - low to average for a child of his age, and she has suggested some things we can do to "even out his profile".

Can you speak to school about it? My DS has just started Y2 and seems much happier as the more structured environment suits him much better.

LadySibilde I haven't noticed anything particular with changes in routines. Then again, his routine is pretty much to keep up with me and DS1(10) so in a way i wonder if I am overlooking his young years needs because we tend to have to do things together at the same time and he tries to keep up with his brother.
BathTangle At nursery he only spoke to one other little girl and his key worker. In year 1 (and I was only told this in so many words last week by the TA) it took his teacher and the TA two terms to get him to 'defrost' with them. He seems to run around with the other boys in his class happily. Like yours, he meets all his targets academically according to the school report but now I wonder about his personal/social psyche. I suppose I thought he would just grow out of it but now I'm not so sure.

I think you have a number of red flags with his behaviour and you need to seek professional advice regarding your sons wellbeing. Shyness is one thing, but not making eye contact with his own family is IMO well beyond normal 'shyness'. As is his social interactions: even the shyest children I have ever worked with have taken less time to 'defrost' with adults they are routinely spending time with: and by 'defrost' it sounds more as if they mean 'form a relationship'. His obsessive talking about things which interest him whilst ignoring other attempts to gain his attention may also be something of concern. The obvious thing I think you need to rule out (or in) is Aspergers Syndrome or something else on the PDD/Autistic spectrum. I would really advise you to lay out your concerns with your doctor or with the school and ask them if they think he would benefit from an assessment with an educational psychologist.

Regarding your worry that you are somehow responsible for his happiness or lack of - please don't blame yourself. It is, I know, very hard being a lone parent (I often feel I spend all my time nagging) but having consistent, fair (and explained, if necessary) boundaries will not make your son unhappy. Quite the opposite. It gives him the confidence, security and comfort which all children need to explore and express their emotions and ideas. Good luck, and remember; we are always our own worst critic. You love your son and are doing your absolute best by him. None of us can do more.

Have a chat with his teacher. Some children pick up social queues (such as when to stop talking/eye contact) far more easily then others, some just need a little help. I have a 'rude' child, or rather people who don't know him well often see him as rude. It sounds as though your child see's you as interrupting him because he doesn't get how conversations work (or how they end. I'm guessing he's talking at you, not with you IYKWIM?) Mine is waiting for a dyspraxia assessment. He should have seen a paediatrician this morning but he was too unwell to go.

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Thank you adoptmama for your kind words

LadySybil also agree with your last post.

I do think I should bring it up with the school or gp although it equally worries me that he might get 'a marked record' even if there is nothing 'wrong' with him and it is just the way he is.

It sounds to me as though he needs some support, and this is the best way to make sure that he gets this. I'd contact the school, maybe they would have noticed something as well??

Will do. Thank you .

I hope you find some answers.