Separation anxiety in 3.7yr old

[Itspardonnotwhat]

I'd be grateful for some advice on how to deal with this as it just seems to be getting worse. My DD was at home with me up until she went to preschool at 3yrs. I had my DS when she was 2.5. As I'd anticipated, the first month or so of preschool drop offs were difficult, lots of tears and clingyness from her but then we got over that and she was really enjoying going. However just before the summer holidays it started again, and has continued now this term. She cries and clings on to me, saying that she wants me to stay and begging me not to go. It's not that she doesn't want to me there ; rather she wants me to be there with her.

She has been the same, no actually worse, at other outside activities. I had to stop taking her to gymnastics because she got herself into such a state there every tine screaming and crying for me (parents sat on a balcony looking down on the gym). Swimming classes are a bit more hit and miss - sometimes she's absolutely fine there, other times she has a complete meltdown and ballet is usually the same hysterics.

We tried it so my DH takes her to swimming and drops her off at preschool when he can and she didn't always behave this way with him, but has started to on the last few occasions.

I just don't know what to do any longer to help her through it. It's not that she doesn't want to do the things, just that she wants me to stay and that's always practical or possible. She doesn't respond to reward charts ("I don't care about the stupid sticker I just want you to stay") or any other type of promises for 'big girl' behaviour.

Its really starting to become apparent now that she is far worse at being left that any of her peers. I'm ashamed to say that I find it embarrassing, but it's the truth, I do, especially when the adults have to spend so much time with her instead of getting on and taking the class. I also feel desperately sorry for her that she gets herself into such a state. I've tried talking to her about it to find out if there is an underlying cause but all I get is that she wants to me stay all the time.

I want, and need, her to be a bit more independent and confident. Any ideas please? Thank you.

Its a long time since mine were that little, but one observation is, that it sounds like quite a packed schedule for a young kid - preschool + swimming + gymnastics etc. While some kids go along with this and may even thrive on it, maybe your DD finds it a bit 'much'? (I could be quite wrong of course).

Or maybe just one incident has freaked her a bit (maybe just something unexpected rather than nasty?), so she feels anxious about these activities, and you are her best way to protect against anxiety?

FWIW I think one thing I could have done with realising sooner is that even v young children (eg just 1 yr old) like to understand what is happening, and what to expect. My kids really didn't like surprises.

Pardon me if I'm off beam here, was posting as no-one else had, hopefully soemone more in the 3-yr-old 'zone' will give a better answer?

My DD is the same. She is 4.6 and has just started primary. She has been like that forever. Nursery/playschool was a nightmare but it did get better.

I was really firm. Drop and swift goodbye and leave. for the first few months of playschool the teachers had to pretend to ring me to get me to pick her up to try and calm her down, it worked for a while, but she's not stupid and it wore off but gradually she took less time to calm down each week.

I was petrified of how she'd be at school and had a home visit from the teacher to voice my concerns, told her she would definitely cry etc but she didn't. she loved it. so it does improve honestly.

you just have to carry on with it, if that's what you want. if you don't want this to carry on you aren't forced to take her to these activities or to preschool.

And yes I agree that is a packed schedule for a 3yo.

Agree that it sounds like a packed schedule for a 3.7 year old. DS is 3.1; he only does Toddlers, swimming and gymnastics but we've recently given up gymnastics as it was too much for him. It sounds like your DD does a lot of stuff, and spends a lot of time being dropped off by dad, but relatively little with you, on a 1:1 basis, but can't express all this in any way other than creating. Especially if she's got a baby brother taking up your time - you say "I want, and need, her to be a bit more independent and confident" but she's only 3, why should she - she's got years ahead of her to be independent.

cut down on the number of activities she does to 2 per week, and make sure that you can have 1:1 time with her. could you cut the swimming class for now and take her and her brother as a family at the weekend instead? You swim with her, DH with your DS? Do baking or painting with her?

I think LovelyBunch probablyright about being firm - if she senses you wavering, she's going to 'go for it' and create - and of course if you waver, you are confirming her feelings that maybe you 'ought' to stay, so she's getting mixed messges?

Of course we all give mixed messages to our kids sometimes and it can't always be helped (guilty as charged!), but only seems worth pursuing these clubs etc if you are sure its best all round for the family (and it does sound like she can enjoy them) , so maybe if you & DH convince yourselves first, then you'll convince her?

Thanks for the replies,

Perhaps I have got it wrong with the activities but on a day to day basis it doesn't seem too much.

We dropped gymnastics in favour of ballet. She wasn't doing them both at the same time. So at the moment she does preschool three mornings a week, ballet one afternoon and swimming on a Saturday. One of the other mornings I run a local playgroup she comes along to with me. Afternoons are generally spent at home doing craft/baking/in the garden or playground/library/local museum. I tend to play it by ear depending on how we are all feeling. Is two classes really too much on top of preschool? It's certainly not extreme compared to her peers.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not forcing her to do any of these things, she wants do them and enjoys them when she's 'warmed up'. She doesn't complain about going to them it is simply the drop off which is so difficult. I know we don't have to do them, but she wants to and I want her to. We just need to find a way past the upset at the start of things.

In saying that I want and need her to be more independent and responses that she's only three and she's got years to be independent then yes, I acknowledge that. But to me independence generally comes from feeling secure and the way she's acting suggests that she's not feeling secure about something. I just don't know what or how to address it.

DH drops her off to preschool perhaps once a month. It's really not that often.

Granted she doesn't sound masses of time with me on a 1-1 basis except when her brother is napping or sometimes when he goes to bed a bit earlier we have some evening time together. Apart from at weekends though I don't have any options to change that. I don't have family locally to help out. And at weekends (swimming class aside) we do prefer to try and spend it as a family. We deliberately decided that DH would take her to swimming as 'their thing'.

I think there may be an issue with mixed messages when I'm dropping her off at things which I can try harder not to give. I've tried different tactics to try and find one that works, but none seem to, so I suppose I need to decide on one and stick to it.

My ds is 4.3 and still has severe separation anxiety, he particularly hates being left if I am with his baby sister. My approach has been slightly different to other posters - I agree that being happy to be left comes from feeling secure and that he obviously does not feel secure. So rather than push him away by being firm or dropping him off quickly, I have worked on helping him feel secure. I have arranged to have one on one time with him at weekends when dh has his sister. We stopped going to drop off groups. I go to things with him and stay with him. I feel that it is not developmentally inappropriate to feel insecure aged 4 with a newish sibling, and that by pushing him away now I might make life easier for myself in the short term but in the long term I am teaching him that I don't think his feelings matter and that I am not listening to him. I am positive he will grow out of it when he is ready and that pushing him will be more likely to cause problems in the long term than doing my best to meet his need for me now. A child whose needs are met does not become a needy adult, don't be afraid to listen to her.