Our toddlers behaviour is a real concern.

[Legionoffools]

Hey guys, we have a beautiful daughter of 2 and almost 3/4. And she just basically doesn't want to play with other little ones her age. In every social situation she becomes massively shy: holding on when hugging, her face into the shoulder, refusing to be put down.

She's also seemingly really unhappy at her nursery, she seems to cry an awful lot. I drop her and Mum outside the nursery and every time she seems to be really upset. The nursery has an awesome rating in that government ratings thing, but she seems to not enjoy her time there at all. Nurseries are maybe prisons for the innocent.

I'm sorry I'm waffling, the nurseries and prisons thing was pseudo-funny conjecture.

Anyway, she has HUGE separation anxiety with her mum and I: Sometimes when I take our dog out for a walk, she has a massive meltdown, I reassure her etc, and sometimes walk the dog after bath time.

Shes just so stoic and outgoing when she's with people she knows, big or small. But an unknown situation, even with toddler friends that she knows, she clams up, like I said.

tl;dr version:
You hit this before reading my words. Shame on you.

dd = dear daughter. ergo ds = dear son

if this really isnt a troll post....your child is showing signs of a possible attachment disorder though it could just as likely be a development phase. periods of separation anxiety are v normal.

how old was she when she began nursery?

Well. The general tone of this places responses are either unpleasant or face palming. Great work everyone.

I won't bother your important time again. (I will read the replies to this thread ofc) but still, I'm a little disappointed with the general response.

Thanks Crackcrack, she began at around 1.

I don't know how to quote someone else's post. Sorry.

And tbh, troll posts are basically pointless, unless you're a sad twat.

What did you expect?

I mean, what sort of responses were you expecting?

From what I have read, children know what sex other children are but at this age, attach no significance to it. So I don't think that the sex of the other children is likely to be fuelling her anxiety at all.

It may well be nursery is too fraught and noisy and overwhelming for your shy little girl. I agree that a childminder would probably suit her better, at least for the next few months/year.

And I mean this next bit very kindly: please beware of creating anxiety in her by letting her pick up on concerns you may have about how boys will respond to her and her looks, at any age. Her best protection is not being told lots of dos and don'ts about boys, or how dangerous they are, or how she must be a 'good' girl, but strong self-esteem and seeing a good respectful relationship between you and her mother.

so after nearly 2 years she hasn't really settled or this has got worse lately? when you say she doesnt enjoy her time there, based on what? what do the nursery staff think? have they raised concerns? my dd goes through periods of intense distress at drop off (due to various external stuff) and sometimes i panic like mad but they assure me she is always fine and i trust them as they have told me on the one or two occasions it has taken her longer to settle - and i can usually attribute than to a late night/germ.

there is no quote facility afaik - you just cut and paste if you want to

well obviously trolls are pointless but they are numerous on here from time to time and regular mners are wary of investing their time in trying to help someone who isnt genuine - thats not a judgement, just stating fact.

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*From what I have read, children know what sex other children are but at this age, attach no significance to it. So I don't think that the sex of the other children is likely to be fuelling her anxiety at all.

It may well be nursery is too fraught and noisy and overwhelming for your shy little girl. I agree that a childminder would probably suit her better, at least for the next few months/year.*

Thanks for that, and Crackcrack they've raised concerns, but only when one of us press the matter. She has nap time, or whatever you want to call it, and then just wants to stay in her bed at nursery. When you hear stuff like that, as a parent it just breaks your heart.

Is there any way you or your wife could change your working pattern so she has three consecutive days at nursery?

She may be very confused with one day on/one day off.

Agree with others that she will be very different in a year's time and that a childminder may work better up until then.

FWIW, my DD was exactly the same.

She's not my wife, and if she knew I was posting on an Internet forum about this, she'd marry me just to divorce me.

But no. We can't really change the work pattern I'm afraid. Needs must dictates life I guess.

"if she knew I was posting on an Internet forum about this, she'd marry me just to divorce me."

Now, that is self irony with humour if I ever saw it! (Could do with a "like" button right now)

Hi OP (ie Original Poster) - what would you call nap time? :sympathetic tilt of head: 'sleeping with boys at nursery'?

Ah sorry, thought you said wife.

In that case, I really would look at a childminder.

Good luck with it all- it does get better

Going back to your original comment, have your spoken to the nursery? What have they said about her behaviour there once you are gone?

is it a v large busy nursery? does she have the same nn all the time?

does she have specific friends at nursery?

does her mother share your concerns or not?

is she doing long days at nursery? whats her sleep at home like?

oh dear...

anyway I suggest getting either a nanny or a CM, sounds normal to me but clearly nursery overwhelming

Its normal for young children to be shy like that. Mine would cling to me in social situations but then gradually relax. Does she do that? The nursery thing sounds very sad though.

There really is no need to be concerned about sexual awareness in such a young child. Im wondering where you got such an idea from!

It sounds as if you have chosen the nursery based on the ofsted report, without giving a second thought for what your own child might actually be suited to. Both my children have gone to 'adequate' childcare because it was just the best place for them.

I think you or your partner could usefully go to a couple of other nurseries or childminders with your daughter, and see where she is most comfortable.

Seperation anxiety can only be helped by reassuring her that you will come back, and saying goodby firmly and cheerfully, if you have to say goodbye at all. Don't force her to join in with anything she doesn't have to. So if she is with friends and she only wants to sit on your knee, let her do just that.

The responses over sexuality are hardly out of place. Any normal person would feel revulsion that anyone could look at a child and think anything sexual. That is just weird and wrong.

If I were you, and my little one had not settled into nursery after such a long time, I'd explore other avenues of childcare. Maybe a different nursery, a childminder or a nanny. It's possible to do a nanny share with another family and it reduces costs.

Seperation anxiety is normal and usually outgrown providing the child has a stable and loving environment.

I agree that children are not sexually aware at 2 and not for many years after. Many little girls I have met do not like boys because the boys are loud and rough. When my son gets together with his friends they are very noisy and boisterous. These little girls are more timid and quiet and prefer different games. Some girls like to join in with the boys and vice versa. I suspect your little girl just doesn't like thw games the boys are playing.

In time she will become more confident if you manage to find a childcare setting suitable for her. She needs to be socialised as much as possible with an adult/adults she trusts.