Feeling sorry for myself - think I'm a rubbish parent.

[booitsme]

Feeling tearful as I am doing a lousy job. My 4 year old is really naughty and seems to not understand consequences at all. I try and explain, i.e. you must never run across the school road.... He says he won't and then just does it the next time. I dread picking his older brother up from school as he runs off all the time and everyone looks in horror or laughs as I take off again to catch him. Some of the other mums seem to love engaging him in conversation as they know he is often rude. I always tell him off and say no sweets today... and mean it. However he will cry all day and say sorry and then do it again the next day. Life feels like such hard work. He starts school tomorrow and every other mum seems gutted and I just think thank God! I have a sister with a perfect little daughter who just loves disapproving of him and me.

It's not just him as my 7 year old has problems too. He has always been a very easy, polite child but is scared of his own shadow. We have so much trouble getting him to anything like swimming or beavers. The school tell me how well behaved and sweet he is but painfully shy. Yet at home he is a lovely little chatterbox. My husband is a brilliant dad and the kids adore him. I think the buck stops with me. I'm not looking for sympathy (honestly) I just wanted to unburden myself. I'm an optimistic person and will wake up much more positive again tomorrow. I've just had a long day topped off with my 4 year old opening the front door to a stranger (whilst I was on the loo) despite being told untold times never to do so.

Thanks for reading.

Oh please don't be so down on yourself, you sound like a lovely mum, and he just sounds like a normal wilful four year old! Four year olds are hard work - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Your wee seven year old sounds like a lovely sweet wee boy, just give him time and he will come out of his shell. Don't let people like your sister bring you down. The fact that you care enough to come on here and write speaks volumes - you sound like a caring, great mum - it's a difficult job sometimes. You will feel better in the morning - tomorrow is another day. Get some sleep, you're doing a great job.xx

My four year old is revolting at the minute. Constant boldness, cheek,, hitting me and his brother. It's a nightmare. I seem to spend all day shouting. But I think he's mild compared to others. A friend recommended "easier, calmer, happier parenting" - am going to give it a go.

I don't think those things matter at all. No one should expect a child to be a robot. Ialways think children who do exactly what their parents tell them are probably abused at home and beaten into submission. So what if he opens the door? Just forget it.
Being shy is fine. Far too many children are rude and loud at school. Praise and delight in his shyness.

Just say 5 positive things for every negative to both children and all wil be well. Love them. Adore them. Think how they enhance your life.

Remember mostly children mirror us. If you are calm and happy and have fun they probably will to.

Thank you all for replying. Re-read my post and think that I'm heavily affected by 2 nights with no sleep - 4 year old has had a temp and had a convulsion in the past and so I am sleep deprived.

I know everyone has bad days... It's just that it drives me mad that other mums feel able to judge me and my parenting. I just want the oldest to be like his friends and enjoy some social activities and the youngest to behave better! I genuinely worry that he will get run over, lost, badly injured... If he doesn't learn to understand boundaries and consequences.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply - I said I didn't want sympathy but it did make me feel a bit better!

You are right. My eldest may be shy... But he is kind and good and the other children do like him. My youngest is naughty but not mean and he is popular too as he is good fun! So there are some positives! Thanks

Sounds a bit like my day with my 3.5 year old, so maybe it is an age developmental thing. I totally understand the pain when you tell them not to do something, they say " of course" then do it the next second! We. Have . Had . That . Today ( gritted teeth)

What someone else said about perfect kids is true though, how boring to be perfect and how soulless to always do what you are told. I have a friend who had kids like these, they are a bit odd to be honest.

I think the answer may be to sod what anyone else thinks! I know my DP follows this route. dDs behaviour doesn't tend to escalate as much when he looks after het because he is just dealing with her and what is right for her. Some of the outcomes may be a bit unorthodox and am sure some MNs would sneer, but he just doesn't care!

I am also thinking that running after him may be a game he likes? I wave to my dd and say "bye then" and walk the other way. Actually I don't do this anymore as it worked after the first couple of attempts. Obviously pick your places for doing this, no huge roads, but it might work.

Oh, and being sleep deprived is pants

Thanks kittenspjs. A lot of it is the age, I know. With the running away, I have tried not chasing him but he just ran even further away. He has improved with it, but if the mood takes him, he will run.

Part of the trouble is that I am very open and easy going and I think whereas with some people others would think twice about making a comment, with me people feel very able to do so. I have a reputation as being up for a laugh... But I am actually far more shy than anyone would dream and I find his behaviour so embarrassing! I just wish he would stop the rudeness with people and running off and I'd let most of the other stuff go over my head!

Could you invest in a set of reins? Sit him down before school pick-up and explain that if he runs away, he'll have to wear them. It doesn't have to be a threat, you can explain to him how you want to keep him safe and that you'll do whatever it takes to keep him safe. Maybe the potential for embarrassment would be enough to dissuade him - and if not, at least you've got a means of keeping hold of him!
Alternatively, plan a treat for when you get back from the school run, even get him to get it organised, and say he can only have it if he doesn't run. Keep reminding him ad nauseum! And make sure you only arrive in time to pick up DS1 so there's no hanging around time for him to be distracted.
My DD2 was a runner, and I used to have to do the school run with her strapped into the buggy - the only way I could guarantee that she wouldn't run under the nearest car. I'm sure some children are just programmed to run - my DD1 always walked by my side, no problem, but DD2 would be off at any opportunity. Good luck!

Notacluetoo I do have reigns and have threatened him with them but not used them. I think I have to make sure I take them with me and put them on next time he does it again. I am sure he would not like it. I could also plan treats better as you won't get any sweeties, to play with a certain toy... Doesn't really sink in until it's too late. My sister has started giving her girls stickers to stick in a book they collect each morning if they went to bed well the night before. I think he might like something like that. Thanks for the suggestions. I feel better hearing that other children do the same as I do feel like its only him who ever seems to do this. My sister mentioned the possibility of him having ADHD or similar as he doesn't seem to understand consequences. I hope it's more to do with immaturity and he will continue to improve.

Do what you have to do in terms of keeping him safe- reins, front door locked- but don't feel bad about a certain amount of strong will: once he learns to channel that it can be an excellent asset.

Dd was a little hooligan at this age; it was like constantly trying to control a grass fire- you never knew where it would break out next. And I found it horrendously embarrassing as I needed to think of myself as a competent, laidback, relaxed parent whose children would reflect her excellent parenting.

But I do think that might be some of the same spirit that has kept her battling ill health and some pretty horrendous circumstances as a teenager.

Dd at age 3.5 had to be locked out of her baby brother's room when I went to the loo as I couldn't be sure she wouldn't break his neck. They are now the best of friends and she would never do anything to hurt him.

They genuinely don't have a lot of sense at this age: the compliant ones just seem sensible because they are compliant. The sense is actually provided by the parent. But reins will do the trick.

But the thing is, he is 4, how rude can you be at 4? I know some very rude 40 year olds, they should know better, a 4 year old just has to learn. Slowly. And you just have to not go mad while they do!

As for the 7 year old don't wish him into something he isn't. I was very very shy as a child but somewhere around the 18 mark I realised no one was really looking at ne and if they were I could care less. It's only difficult being shy because the world is set up for those that aren't. It never held me back, I just developed in my own way. I am interested in Personality Types such as Myers Briggs, maybe the 7 year old is an introvert. Even if he isn't, being shy is not a crime.

I don't know much about ADHD but if that's all she has to go on my girl has it too, as do loads of her friends.

Oh, and iveould say treats, stickers, there and then. Give them to him on the school run if he doesn't make a break for freedom. I think waiting till that age doesn't reinforce the point at that age. But each to their own.

If it helps my dP used to breakout of his reception class on a daily basis and walk the mile home, across roads etc. He became very, very successful, not rich ( more is the pitty) butcsuccesful. That mind of their own and non compliance thing can come in handy.

Oh, and once again. Sleep Deprivation is hell

Waiting til the evening. Sorry. I am rushed

Someone recently said to me that young children aren't great at listening to instructions and often they only hear the last word. So if you say, don't run into the road, they just hear road, which is drawing attention to the wrong thing. You should say, wait on the pavement. Might be worth trying along with all the other advice.

My dd is 4 and has just started school. 4 year olds cannot be relied on to do as they are told when you are not standing over them. They are not mature enough. Obviously some can, and some can do one thing and not another. Mine has always been brilliant with roads, but she will find the key, open front door and run up and down the road on the pavement. After a whole series of time outs and me hiding the key, she seems to have lost interest in that one for the moment.

Also, any punishment consequence has to be immediate. and I find that saying no sweets, no tv etc never works with this age. It is slightly too abstract. (it works if you take the sweets off them or turn the tv off, but not the threat for later)

So for safety, choose consequence, remind and enforce.

so - take reins visible in your hand, before you leave for school explain that if you go off the pavement (use the phrase with what you want not what you don't want, so stay on the pavemnet rather than don't go in the road) so if he doesn't stay on the pavement he will have to wear the reins.
Watch closely, as soon as he goes off the pavement put on the reins. Don't worry about the following temper tantrum. Be calm, repeat for as many days as it takes. Once he knows that you will follow through he will give up.

But if they are strong willed he will try something else. Strong characters are great, it is a good thing to be in life. Some kids are just much more determined to try out everything and not accept your word for it than others.

Agree with the taking of reins which has been previously mentioned.

If you're feeling that other parents are watching you when your ds plays up try and limit the telling off in the playground. If you keep tellling your ds off you're drawing attention to yourself. Hold your tongue and learn to relax and smile and people will notice less. You'll also probably notice other kids playing up and their parents ignoring their behaviour!

Op don't worry I've had the past two days feeling like I'm a rubbish mum. Tired, worn out, doing it alone and snapping at her. She's been hard work. Plus teething (22m) didn't nap today so was just being mischievous. I ended up shouting and having to "'man handle" her off the tv cabinet that she climbed for the 15th time. I never hit her, don't parent that way, as I grew up around that. So I don't want her to fear me. But today I was so cross that I shouted and she cried. I don't want her to fear me. I don't think she does it has just been a horrible day. She's feeding off my stress levels probably. Which leaves me feeling even more guilty.

You're not alone! (ps I have a 15 wk old too)

Thanks for all the replies and useful advice, which I will take on board.

He started school today and went in without a backwards glance and came out and loudly said, "that was so great!" so there are definite advantages to his personality. My eldest cried so much starting school and still does sometimes. It's funny how I have just learnt to take it for granted that my 4 year old doesn't get upset in the same way!

I do think that I have to stop worrying about others and what they think. I am guilty of telling him off more than I probably would in private, If he misbehaves in front of people. I know sometimes the best thing to do would be to ignore him. However, I worry people will think I don't care enough to tell him off or I'm a useless parent.

A few days ago all the school were lining up to go in and the new headmistress was there. He wa playing with some friends and then started peeing up the hedges at the back of the school. I was mortified and my friend said as he was mid flow there was nothing I could do and to walk on and he would follow and then deal with it... I did and you would be surprised at the number of helpful parents who shouted out to me what he was doing/ had done in earshot of the new head! When I spoke to him he seemed shocked I was cross with him and said he was sorry but the hedge looked sad as it looked like it had never been peed on by a boy!

Thanks again everyone. He was so much better today after being stimulated at school... Or maybe I just had a much better mindset after having a few hours to recharge my batteries, whilst he was at school this morning.

I think I would rather go for a coffee with you than with the "helpful" parents OP

Thanks Kittenspjs - my DH says to me that I don't want to be like the stepford wife's at school anyway and he's glad my 4 year old is full of personality!