my 9 year old has turned into a horrible child

[wheredoistartmrs]

I know it must be my fault somewhere but my lovely 9 year old who i use to have so much fun with is not the same girl.. She was kind and funny and we had a great time together. Now we just do not get on ,she is very lazy every morning i have to nag nag and nag her to brush teeth ,wash face etc get dressed.when she showers she just stands there and wont even wash herself. she is very rude to me,name calls,talks over me and has a very cruel streak. she is fairly bright but is in the bottom set for everything because " i cant be bothered"
i just want my daughter back. i want her to speed up ,be polite ,be interested in people and do what i ask. help

Imsorry,this sounds very hard for you. Do you think This is the start of puberty and hormones etc? Or do you think there is soemthing else behind this, like bullying in school, problems with friends, a big change in your family life or even depression?

Your 9 year old is still in there,believe me,shes adjusting to being a (Pre)teen and you are caught in the confusion.

i just dont know ,id hate to say it but i would be very suprised if she was being bullied more likely the bully herself.she is nasty to her school friends too. she will call me horrible names in front of her friends and take the piss out of me. i think you could be right about the puberty thing as she does smell a bit tmi and has to shower every day but her body has not changed yet. do you have any suggestions for discipline ,do you think i should speak to school? thanks

anyone any advice?

how do you react when she is rude to you? What are school saying about her behaviour?

Does she hear you describing her as horrible? (I'm not being judgemental but children do pick their behaviour prompts from us, so if she feels that you think she is horrible that will have a knock on)

Have you tried picking up on all the positive things she does, so she gets lots of attention for good behaviour not bad?

Finally (honestly!) - what are her friends like - has she changed friends, are they badly behaved, so is she getting kudos from them for being rude to you?

Sorry for all the questions!

I'd say the usual advice is good: pick your battles. Make a list to yourself of what you will really not accept (e.g. name-calling), but ignore sulky looks and mutterings under her breath. Concentrate on targets that are essential (getting to school on time).

And try to feel positive about her growing up. You will not be getting the sweet trusting little child back. What you will be getting is a (hopefully lovely) young woman. It just takes a bit of time for her to find that young woman and feel comfortable in her skin.

As long as you are comfortable that there are no more disturbing reasons for her changes in her behaviour (particularly the refusal to shower), then treat it as the power struggle it is. If she refuses to shower tell her she can't sit on the furniture again until she is clean. If she will not do the minimum at school tell the school to feel free to give her the normal punishments. If she can't be polite to you stop giving her all the little extras - xbox, mobile phone, cinema, dance classes, shopping trips etc. Until she reforms, just go on strike. If it is a power struggle you need to win it.

She sounds depressed I'm sorry to say but when someone is depressed that's exactly how they react. Some have mentioned hormones, this could lead to chemicla imbalances in her mind,a nd could lead to depression. I know that when I was depressed as a teen I behaved similarly, did everything slowly, lost in tohughts, I didn't want to "function", I become mean and cruel as I ached inside...Have you tried talking to her, about her change in behaviour, how she feels, etc? Big times of change can affect every child differently, she may have a mild depression due to fears about her future, insecurities, etc....

Mine too at 9 - then thanks to mums net i tried high strength evening primrose oil - for both if us - like a bew child - the odd meltdown but nothing compared to what it was - give it 6 weeks and you might never look back!

Good luck x

i have tried talking to her ,taking things away rewarding with friends to play and swimming lessons. i think i will talk to school and see how bad it is. i dont think it helps that i am quite mild mannered and not very assertive. i will talk to her about her change in behaviour again and see if anything is worrying her.

when she is rude to me i am flumoxed and do not know what to say. i tell her she is rude and grubby when she doesnt wash but ive never called her horrible.
her friends are nice,she is the ringleader in any misdemeaner

Hi, I really feel for you because I'm having similar battles with my 9yr old. Not all the time - she is jekyll and hyde - lovely and kind and well behaved one day and then the complete opposite (as you describe) the next. Basic tasks such as washing, teeth brushing, getting dressed, hwk have become nag-fests (my fault probably) and I am losing my patience. Oh and in general, she is very well behaved at school, she just reserves the horrible behaviour for home (more specifically, me!)

I'm really down about it atm. I'm reassured to see that you are mild mannered/non-assertive though because I'm fairly verbal, strict, and sometimes quite shouty [not v. proud of this ] and I thought that might be the underlying cause.

I think the advice about 'picking battles' is good because, although I praise her when she does well; many small trivial matters descend in to drawn out negative battles (and I hold myself responsible for that)

So no advice to offer really - just posting in solidarity - it's horrible isn't it?