Please help me manage my 6yo's challenging behaviour.

[olivo]

DD is just 6. Over the summer, we have found her behaviour harder and harder to manage. She has become rude and full of attitude, and has taken to tantruming and shouting at us. Our usual consequences, which never used to be needed very often, just don't seem to work. How can't stop situations escalating to shouting matches?

She also has sleeping issues that no one seems to be able to help with, so she and we, are permanently knackered. I know if I could get her to sleep a bit more, things wouldn't be so bad for any of us , but that isn't going to happen any time soon.

We have done sending to bed, withdrawal of privileges, loss of treats, I have tried positive rewards, building up points etc, but nothing seems to work any more.

Any ideas would be very welcome. TIA

not sure I can offer any pearls of wisdom on this one but if it is any consolation we are having the same problems with our dd who is also 6. We are at our wits end with how to deal with her because we are also running out of options. She is rude, argumentative, full of attitude and at times thoroughly unpleasant. We have a 3 year old dd as well and are desperately worried about how it will impact on what she perceives as acceptable behaviour. I know that it is about testing the boundaries with us as her behaviour at school seems to be fine....

You could be me! We also have a 3yo DD who occasionally copies but consequences work easy for her. DD1 is really good at school; I know some of the staff there and they cannot believe she misbehaves at home. DD is also an angel when she is with other families etc. I'm hoping "this too shall pass"!

Read 'toddler taming' - a great book with good advice.

Really, even for an older child, not a toddler?

Snap! Mine turned 6 last month and has been a real pain at times over the holidays. School going back was a huge relief. Like your DD she is an angel in school and reading her report it sounded as though they were talking about a different child. She is also perfectly well behaved for her GPs. We have a 19m DD too but thankfully she isn't affected by her older sister's behaviour and doesn't seem to be copying it either. No words of wisdom unfortunately, just comiserations .

Teach your child to sleep, Millpond sleep clinic book. Get the sleep sorted and the behaviour will follow. Not sure you will turn the behaviour around without turning the sleep around. There are strategies in the book for 6 year olds. There is a toddler taming for older ones, I can't remember it's name but it's by Dr Christopher Green, same bloke and goes from 5 up or something. Is worth reading.

Thanks, I feel slightly better to hear that others are suffering

Tggr, I'm afraid the sleep thing isn't that easy. We, and the professionals, have tried lots of things over the 18 months, even sedatives when we were desperate, but nothing works. We have been advised to 'sit it out' and we may get camhs referral when she is older.

Oh boo! Well hope it is,sorted sooner rather than later.

The principles in Toddler Training apply to all ages. Supernanny uses similar techniques. Eg set rules and follow through consequences.

You don't need to wait that long for cahms referral I'm sure. Keep trying doctor.

Thanks. Dr offered camhs, but we declined for now. Dd is incredibly shy and anxious and we don't feel it would help to introduce her to another situation at this stage. He agreed.

Will check out the toddler taming, thanks. Have tried super nanny but no real results.

Hi , my grandson is six , and since the beginning of the year his behaviour has been quite terrible , tantrums and temper , particularly when he leaves one person to go to another , I'm actually at the point where I don't look forward to him coming around , I feel so guilty ! Sad as we previously had a good relationship , he has partial hearing I think that is relevant ! Your not alone .

I think the lack of sleep (depending on the extent of it) must be deeply affecting everything and I would make it a priority to sort it out, rather than hoping she will grow out of it. I know you know this, but if cahms is the last option and you have tried everything else, then you need to go there. I know it is scary. My son was referred to an organisation which is linked to cahms and I freaked out a bit (he had some problems sleeping/ eating/ behaviour/ learning). He is pretty ok in the holidays so I know it is linked to school, and last year was an improvement on the year before, so I am hoping it will settle down. They are still monitoring it, and I feel reassured that they are involved and can tell me which bits are worrying and which bits are normal etc. In my experience, a lot of doctors will agree with what you say. I would try the cahms route if it's your last option, and maybe take her out of school for a while too, if you think it will help. If it is getting worse rather than better, I think it requires intervention. I don't think toddler taming will help if she is shy and sensitive, it may just make her worse. There is a book called The Highly Sensitive Child, which may help you understand her better if you haven't read it.

Thank you for your advice. I have heard of the highly sensitive child book, but never read it, will take a look. I would never take her out of school, she loves school and is blossoming there. Plus, there'd be no one to look after her as I am a teacher! I don't have a problem with camhs at all, but I think it'd be pointless at the Age and stage she currently is. She has grown out of many of her anxieties over time, which is why we and the gp feel that she will overcome the sleep thing in her own time too. She is heaps better than a couple of months ago in that sense.

We have started a new reward system today,worth another try.

I would recommend Raising your Spirited child and How to Talk so Kids Listen. Sounds like you are at the end of the road with punishments and rewards and I really wouldn't carry on if they aren't working for you - there are other ways. Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is a bit of a challenge to read as it is so different to conventional techniques like the toddler tamer but was a real eye opener for me and very helpful for my ds who does not respond to punishment or reward - lots of kids don't. It has transformed the atmosphere in our home and sleep has improved alongside that.

I've not heard of the spirited child, sounds like I may learn something from that, thanks.

I'm still telling myself This too shall pass.....