15 month old hitting

[glizzle]

My 15 month old hits when he is frustrated, mainly other children over toys or if they are too close, sometimes me and my husband. He probably did it for the first time about 4 months ago, but it is getting worse. It isn't one bug hit, the other child doesn't cry but it is like little clawing actions but definitely aggressive, he often vocalises too. I tell him no and get down to his level, I remove him from the situation but don't know if he's too young for time outs. The other problems are that other mums often tell their children to give him the toy, then I say not to but it feels like the point is lost, and that it often happens in a spilt second and although I always stay close sometimes I feel my reaction just isn't quick enough. I'm a SAHM but we always have play dates planned but I'm so embarrassed by his behaviour I just want to leave 'baby society'. I feel like I'm failing him and like it's just going to get worse and worse, because it is getting worse and worse. We keep on considering nursery but i so don't want to do that and i'd have to return to work which would involve long hours and night work. People say it's normal and a phase but it feels wrong and no other children his age are doing it. Please please help!

Ds1 (now 3) was a hitter (and still can be at times). It is so hard - he slept well and ate well but I'd have rather traded either of those things for a little boy who let me enter each child-orientated social situation without a coat of mental armour. He reached his hitting peak around 20-24months after which his speech developed and it became a little easier to reason with him.

At 15 months, there is very little you can do, except grow a thick skin. You can start being consistent (removing him from the situation for time out, or going home, if appropriate) but he won't really understand it at that age - it's more about social conditioning until they start to understand through verbal reasoning. Ds1 didn't really 'get' the consequences until he was at least two. Rather than leave planned social occasions where I was meeting friends, I took him to a playgroup on my own on two separate occasions, from which I knew we could leave easily without letting anyone down - on the first occasion, I suspected he would hit - and he did - so I gave him a warning and then when he did it again, I brought him home. We went back the following week, he hit again, I took him home again. We went back the week after, and several times since, and he hasn't hit. He has had the occasional altercation at other social occasions where his peers are present, but nothing on the grand scale it used to be. I suspect he will always be a little alpha male and act with his fists, but I have faith in his own intelligence that he will not use it in a neanderthal way for the rest of his life.

The one thing to remember, for your own sanity, is that it isn't about personality at 15 months. The part of the brain which would moderate impulses in adults isn't very well developed in a small child, so young children don't have the inhibitions us adults do, particularly when they are growing, when this part of the brain is even more under siege. Sharing is not actually a natural part of human nature if you think about it, whether it be a toy or personal space, so it's not surprising some kids find it incredibly difficult to deal with, especially when they don't have the words to articulate their feelings.

Suck it up for the time being, it's blimmin hard, but take heart in the knowledge that you'll be a better parent later on, and your ds will have grown out of it. You'll more than likely find your friends' dcs will go through this too at a later stage. Be smug in the fact you're the test case , they'll quietly be smug until it comes to bite them on the arse later- and then who will have the smug certificate...!

Thank you for your advice. It's awful but I actually wish some of my friend's children would start doing it so they get it a bit more. He is so sweet at home and I do feel for him as he finds socialising so stressful, but hitting is an absolute no and I just feel at a loss of how to teach such a young child how wrong it is. I don't want to be over dramatic, but I actually feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare, if someone had asked me before having a child what my worst fear would be it would be having the naughty aggressive child. I think going to playgroups alone is a good way forward, although where I live isn't big so I normally see people I know. Maybe as time goes on my skin will get thicker, it's more hurtful that others don't see what a wonderful loving child DS is. I just wish I was better at coping with it all.

Have you thought about meeting friends in your local park or softplay place? My DD is the same age and I find that in playgroups the little ones don't have that much space and so end up falling over each other a bit more. In a big open space it's often a bit easier as the kids can be more physical and there are fewer toys to be arguing over.

Also, just wanted to say that most mums won't be judging you, and those that are aren't worth worrying about! We all know that kids do stuff they shouldn't and that they'll grow out of it eventually.

Mine is a biter. She gets full of rage - shakes with it, and bites until you let go. It's awful. No advice, but watching with interest. :)

Meeting in the park is occasionally better, but often he gets possessive over the area he is in, the tree or even the slide etc. He is best in unfamiliar places or scenarios, and at a softplay class we go to, actually, that he loves. I bumped into a friend yesterday and on the back of her daughter's bike were two toys. DS tried to get one, it wouldn't come loose, so he hit her 6 year old! I mean, seriously! I try and tell myself he is just learning and I can get on top of it, then he does something like that and I just think I'll never win and he'll end up a criminal.

He won't end up a 'criminal'

In fact, we both maybe blessed with children who will act without guile, a very straightforward, on the surface, response to situations?

I tell you something, although ds1 attracts more commotion through his hitting, there are a significant number of children whom ds1 has hit, who have actually provoked his reaction by snatching a toy first. Just because they don't hit back or make much of a noise about it, doesn't mean to say they don't have the same feelings about sharing etc. The amount of times a (often latte sipping, magazine flicking) parent has looked disapprovingly at me and ds when he has hit their dc, not realising it was actually their dc who quietly snatched first, is more than I would care to remember.

The kids are all at it, ours just react in a more socially embarrassing way for the time being.

Ds1 has the same issues in the park as well as at playgroups 'my slide', 'I want a go. Now!' etc. He is also fiercely jealous of any new toys his friends have got and he hasn't (eg a bike). Totally exhausting. He doesn't hit nearly as much but he has developed this shriek of eye piercing frustration combined with a bit of foot stamping. It's not really a tantrum per se, just a kind of manifestation of him trying to control himself physically. It's still embarrassing when he shouts loudly 'I don't like that boy' at total strangers - just because they have dared to go on 'his slide '

Small children hit, bite or kick as a way of making contact. -I want that childs attention, so I hit them to get their attention.- It is only as they grow that the social conditioning that you don't hit kicks in.

Don't worry. He is normal, and lots of kids go through this. It will probably stop once he can talk. Then he will make contact with another child by talking to them.
All you can do is consistently say no. He might not get it yet, but he will eventually. When he hits have a stock phrase you use 'no. don't hit, it's not kind and it hurts' Then remove the toy, or distract him or move him to new activity. Don't let him get the toy that he wanted, but keep it low key and consistent.

Also remember that playdates and toddlers groups are nice but actually children do not begin to share or play together until they are 3. Until them they are pretty egocentric.
I also saw one mum teahcing her ds 'gentle hands' showing him how to touch gently. Worked for her ds

Thanks steppemum, I've read about egocentric play and it makes sense, but it's how possessive he is that makes it hard for us. I honestly don't think he wants other children's attention, it is all about the toy, in fact I think he'd rather there were no other children in the world, but I know/hope that will change.

MrTCW it is so refreshing to hear from someone going through the same thing. I think partly my outlook on it has to change, it his just part of his otherwise wonderful character and I need to manage it but make it not such a big deal in my own mind. It is hard that we seem to take one step forward and two back. And I know what you mean about often other children instigating the behaviour. I try and fight his corner if the toy was his first so he knows not every child can snatch toys off him at any moment, but if he hits first then I feel like he should give the toy up, then he gets so upset and I think in a way I'm reinforcing why he became so stressed in the first place. Also my DS plays very intently and for quite a long time with each toy, I've seen other toddlers getting bored with toys much faster and then giving them up as their parents proudly state how well they are sharing (sorry, that was a little bitter).

I'm hoping talking will help, but I think it'll be a long time until he can communicate feelings that I struggle to fully understand and label by talking, I think he'll just learn to say "mine" and go with that instead!

I'm sure many people will disapprove of this, but after exhausting all the other options we could think of, we resorted to a small hand smack on the back of DS's hand after l the third hit. I warned her the first two times that if she did it again, I'd smack her hand, and on the third hit I'd do an immediate smack, then explained that's how it feels to be hit, that it's not nice, and that's why we don't hit anyone.

We only did it twice. She never hit again.

Milanese It's good it has worked for you in the short term, but I'm firmly of the belief that it's hard to teach a children, in general, not to do something (not just hitting) when you are modelling the exact same thing yourself. Children inherently love to copy and emulate grown ups and, a small hand tap may not equate to much in many people's eyes, but it is the thin end of the wedge in starting to teach children an (undesirable) shortcut to dealing with difficult emotions. Coaching kids to express their feelings with words rather than actions is a much more desirable and valuable skill for the future, not just the immediate.

I'm not angel, I've shouted at ds when he's been shouting at me, been unreasonably impatient with him when I shouldn't and it's all come back to bite me on the bum. If I'd just taken a deep breath and thought about it a bit more, then the ensuing behaviour might have been avoided.

Hi MrTumbles, I quite agree with everything you wrote. We were at our wit's end and gave it a shot, so I threw it out there since it worked so well. DD is now nearly 3 and has never had the problem again. Obviously it won't work for everyone.

If it hadn't worked so quickly, I don't think we would have pursued it for all the reasons you pointed out, and to avoid encouraging an ugly, hypocritical pattern of violence.

Our DS was very vocal and had a good vocab at age 1, so perhaps it worked because she understood what we explained, and maybe she even understood that the smack was what it must feel like when she hit others, therefore she did not want to make others feel like that. Who knows, but something in her head clicked!

Milanese You're clearly blessed with a child who doesn't have cloth ears like my ds

Maybe that's where I went wrong searches around for a paddle stick and cat o nine tails

I'm not at the point of resorting to desperate measures, and feel with DSs nature hitting him would start a cascade of problems, but think I do need to be firmer and start using time outs every time it is possible. Today he hit, I put him in his pram for a very short time and took my attention away from him, then he didn't do it again (for the 5 minutes we stayed after). I cannot believe it will be this simple but even that has given me some confidence in more assertively removing him from the situation. I know he's too young for the naughty step or a time out away from me but I do feel he needs a negative consequence, and me saying no seems to spur him on if anything. We'll see. He honestly has the face of an angel, then this fist comes out of nowhere! (It's Monday so I'm laughing, by Friday I'll be in tears again...)

Thanks again for all your advice, ladies

Can you not just not go to playgroups etc? My ds did this and it was hell. I was so embarrassed and was constantly on edge. Then I decided he was telling me he wasn't ready to go to these social events and stopped. We just did things alone or went to the park. Lonely but less stressful, and he did start to grow out of it eventually. We did 'time in' when he got a bit older.

I can not go to play groups, in fact we've only ever been to one proper 'play group' and he wasn't too bad there, but he's like it at at the park and on one to one play dates too. I feel like I can't avoid everywhere with children, and especially stop seeing good friends I have made since having him, I'm a SAHM, without the support of other mums I will lose my mind. We can't stay in the house all the time, he needs to be outside, and we live in a city full of children. Sometimes I think it would be easier to not see our friends for a few months, but the stark reality of that day in day out through the winter especially isn't something I think I can do at the moment. I guess it may come to that eventually

Glizzle - just thought- and I didn't do this but I wish I had given it a shot...how about semi structured classes like Tumbletots or maybe a tots version of little kickers/playball??? You could sign up for a trial and see how he gets on? He may respond to a more structured environment than just free play where any toy is fair game. The organisers are trained I think to handle any 'situations'. Are you in London by any chance?

We are in Brighton. We do a semi structured class, he loves it and usually is good but last week he hit there too. The owner was the one who said about time outs. I'll look into the other classes you suggested but I haven't heard of them here. Thank you