"I don't love you" said my 3yr old

[turtles]

What can I do about it ?

I really struggled to cope with things when he was little and have recently started to feel like I've really got my issues sorted but now he keeps telling me how I make him sad and he doesn't love me - he only loves daddy and granny.

I've been trying really, really hard to connect with him and be positive and loving with him all day every day but he just responds with "but I don't love you" or "you make me sad". I've tried taking a play approach and role reversal (I'm really sad, can you make me better?) but it doesn't seem to be working. He's very loving and appears happy and confident so I had no idea he felt like this. I'm a sahm and have spent a lot of time with him but he's very intense and spirited so can be very hard work to keep on top of his behaviour.
I feel like I've messed him up and it's imprinted now forever, he'll never get over how crap I was as a mother in the first 2 years of his life.

My 3yo talks absolute rubbish most of the day. One minute she loves apples, the next she hates them. Most of the time even she has no idea what she's talking about.

I'm sure your DS is the same. Just keep loving him, playing with him, being there for him. He'll be ok. :)

Are you getting counselling? I think you need to deal with your issues first.
Then you need to react to him as an adult/ parent not seeking your validation from him. All children say from time to time that they don't love you or hate you, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. However if they learn they can manipulate you by saying this they will say it more. All children tend to say they prefer another care giver sometimes.

Oh turtles I think this is perfectly normal. My ds1 (5yo) says it, and has done for a good while.
I suffered PND with both of mine and struggled with bonding.
I really don't think that has anything to do with the "I hate you" stuff.
Your ds will have no idea about what happened in the first 2 years of his life, he is not and will not punish you for it, you will punish yourself for it, but shouldn't. You are not the only parent to struggle with a newborn/young toddler.

When my ds1 says he hates me or that I've made him sad I just tell him that I'm sorry he feels that way and ask him if there's anything I can do to make him feel better and tell him that I love him even when he doesn't love me.
Don't make a huge deal out of it, just ride it, it will pass. As he gets older, he will find better ways to communicate his feelings and it won't hurt you so much.
Chin up, he doesn't hate you.

Small children say all kinds of things they don't mean and don't understand. Keep doing what you're doing and try not to make a big deal of it. Both of mine occasionally said things like this and I just used to reply, "well that's a shame because I love you." Only last week my 4yo told me I couldn't have any more hugs if I wouldn't buy her a magazine, I just ignored it and she soon got over it.

They all say it. All you need to say is 'well I have enough love for two'. He really doesn't mean it.

We've been talking about things recently to try and deal with his behaviour and improve our relationship so I do believe he means it. I have made him very sad and confused. I'm trying not to take it too seriously but need to rebuild my relationship with him. He's always been so independent I almost feel like I've lost my chance to really connect with him. I know he doesn't hate me and I've been asking him how I can make him happy or better but he just says it again "no, you make me sad".

I did consider counselling but have managed to sort myself out and am feeling so much better and positive, I felt like I didn't need it any more.

He's 3. Is he really capable of having serious conversations about his behaviour and his feelings?
My 3 year old can't.
We have the same conversation day after day about certain behaviour issues.

My 3yo refused to eat his tea yesterday as he told us we were trying to poison him
I don't for a moment think he knew what that made me feel, I think he just thought it was a good way of not eating something he didn't want to eat.

You say to your child "I'm really sad, can you make me better?" That is a MASSIVE thing to lay on a child! To say they are responsible for their mother's happiness? I know you mean it as a role reversal thing, but the power balance between parent and child is in no way equal. Your DC depends on you for everything, saying that sort of thing shakes kids to the core, you cannot let them think it is their job to make you happy.

Yes, they all say it. Everyone is sad at some point. He needs to know it's okay for him to be sad without it threatening you. I know it hurts when they say it to you, but in part I think that's why they say it, they're trying things out - they don't mean it, don't know what it means, and don't mean to hurt you in the way that it inevitably does. You just need to brazen it out, as others suggest: "Well, I love you anyway."

I agree to say it is up to him to make you happy is a huge ask though I see what I mean. my ds 4 sometimes says he hates me I just reply that that's ok Because I love him enough for us both. Try not to react he doesn't mean it he has to know that no matter what he feels you are there and you love him.

I choose my words very carefully, I have worked with children for years and done child safeguarding training so I know how to communicate with children without putting the wrong words or ideas in their heads. I'm not letting him think it's his job to make me happy.

My point is that it is o.k for him to feel this way and be sad about his past, but I'm trying to strengthen our relationship. He may not mean exactly that he doesn't love me (his actions prove otherwise!) but there is real intention and meaning behind what he says.
I'm focusing on just being there for him, reassuring him that I love him (because he may have felt that I didn't when I was struggling to cope with him) and that he makes me happy but wondering if there's anything else I can do.

"reassuring him...that he makes me happy "

It. Is. Not. His. Job. To. Make. You. Happy.

Don't take it so seriously, it is a bit scary to the DC to give them that power. Stick to ' I have enough love for both' and then tickle him or make him laugh.

Likewise: "I know he doesn't hate me and I've been asking him how I can make him happy or better" - being sad is not necessarily something you need to make better. Just let him be! Him being sad is not necessarily a reflection on your parenting abilities/anything you have done or can fix.

I honestly think you should consider just having a chat to a counsellor, to see if they think you might benefit.

I think the only other thing you can do is just relax. Don't put so much pressure and focus on building your relationship, just let it flow.
You say that you have worked with children so know how to communicate etc with the. I work with children too, but relationship building is a lot less formal with your own.
what was it that happened that you think is so bad and needs you to re-build your relationship?
Your posts sound like you are taking some perfectly normal comments far too seriously.

I think that you ought to get some counselling. Children are very good at saying 'I don't love you', I love Daddy more', 'I hate you'- they don't mean it.

well it's hard to explain exactly the ins and outs of my life and is life over the past 3yrs. I did relax at first and tried extra hard to spend more quality time with him letting him be in charge, choosing what to do/play etc and was just talking about things to find out how he was feeling/thinking.
We've done a lot of tickling and laughing!

themightymojoceratops I don't understand why you are cutting and pasting my words to make them mean something different but you are getting a totally different interpretation out of my events from what I was trying to convey. As I said above, I'm not letting him think it's his job to make me happy.

I love the 'I have enough love for two' i am going to take it.

When does your DS say it? is it after a particular thing happens? tea time, or bed time, what brings it on, is it random? just he just come out with it for no apparant reason? I ask because DS is almost 3 and he says this sometimes, it tends to follow if he has hurt himself and can't explain what happened (like he trips over a toy and thinks I must have done it to him), or if he is sad because I have told him off. He sometimes tells me he is not my friend anymore too, or that he does not love me. He has absolutely no idea what he means by that. he cannot possibly know.

Itt seems like you are transferring your adult guilt and upset about the first 2 years onto him, and placing much more emphasis on it than there is. You think he is going to not forgive you for how you were, so when he acts this way, you are presuming that this is the reason, you think it must be so.

Well, I and everyone else is telling you, it is not that deep. It is not as deep rooted as you think it is. It is not complicated. 3 year old emotions are not that complicated. Adult emotions are.

You need to continue loving, and telling him, and not letting him see that there is a huge problem with him telling you these things, otherwise it WILL become a big deal as he grows older.

(when DS tells me he does not love me i reply with 'i love you very very much!!' give him a big hug and follow it with 'but you are still not watching thomas' or something!)

I feel like it may be deeper rooted based on my own experiences and reflections of my childhood. He is a very intelligent and complicated boy. I can't dismiss what he says but am also not taking it as seriously as it may be coming across here - I'm certainly not being serious or dismissive with him - one of my priorities as a mother of a boy is to make sure they are in touch with their emotional side!

He says it when I say that I love him e.g at bedtime.

Maybe it is more about not wanting to go to bed. Do you keep him up when he says it? DS tells me I make him sad when I put him to bed. I take it more that he does not like me putting him to bed.

i think you are overthinking this!

my ds4 says this and his other thing is that he doesnt like me and wont let me come to his birthday party! he is 4 i tend to just make a joke of it and distract as exotic says :)

why do you think the first two years were crap? i had pnp when ds4 was a baby and spent time in the psych unit, his first year is a blur tbh :( but it doesnt change how much i love him and hasnt affected our relationship now, he knows i love him, i tell him all the time! i had a LOT of guilt about his first year for a long time, but talked it over with a wonderful cpn and have moved on, it wasnt my fault, i cant undo it, what i can do is focus on the here and now and enjoy my children :)

We always have a little chat at bedtime but I keep it short as possible - he talks non stop from the minute he wakes up! He's said it a few times when we're playing during the day and talking about daddy or granny - so he'll say I love daddy/granny but I don't love you.

I know it's my role in life to be the boring mummy who has too much housework to do and makes them do their homework or tidy their room. At least he doesn't say he hates me!

5 dd used to say that aged 4!! 'Well, I don't like you and you are not coming to my birthday party! '

He is 3. If you show him in any way that saying this upsets you, it will encourage him. Just laugh and say "oh well, I still love you" or similar.
Don't make a huge deal of it.

yes that is exactly it, with a sullen stroppy look pavlov i 'may' have pointed out to him that I organise his parties and put in all the hard work and that if am not allowed to be at the party, there will be NO party! he says it all the time when he doesnt get his own way!

honestly turtles its something they say and i would do as exotic says, dont make an issue of it, by doing that he will say it more to get a reaction! its par for the course at this age ime.