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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Hold my hand, 20 mo dd has just had first major public tantrum...

21 replies

Tempernillo · 14/09/2012 12:15

I just got back from monkey music class that is held in a side room at a soft play place. As we had to walk through play area to get to room, dd of course wanted to play (she is 20 months) so in class she just screamed the whole way through! It is a shame because a lot of the things they were doing she would love normally. I felt so embarrassed, I didn't know whether to take her out (thought she might start to like it and a couple if times she did join in but then reverted back to screaming), ignore her (thought other parents would think I wasn't doing enough), or try and make her stop someone, but this just of course made things worse. There was no way of negotiating with her and telling her she cod play after, as she isn't really verbal enough yet, and I was acutely aware she was spoiling it for the other kids. In the end we rode the class out, and I took her straight home instead if letting her play as I was planning, I guess to kind of "punish" her, but will she really understand this anyway? It was probably the right thing to do as she fell asleep as soon as she got in the car seat, so was obviously tired so makes me feel even more guilty, she wouldn't usually nap now til after lunch but she woke up really early this morning.

She is not a bad child, she is quite feisty and happy, but I guess she has never had the need to have a proper tantrum as she is always with me/dp/gm or cm so gets pretty much what she needs/wants most if the time, but how on earth do you "discipline" a 20 month old, or should you even?

It's a shame as I'm not going to send her back as I couldn't cope with the humiliation, it's not fair on the other kids but I'm sure on a good day she would have really enjoyed it. Can't believe my child is "that" child!

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Original poster

Tempernillo · 14/09/2012 12:17

Sorry for typos, on phone and too stressed !

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fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/09/2012 12:18

don't be embarrassed, she is only tiny, everyone will understand, plus toddlers that tiny are even cute when they have a tantrum, it was much worse for you than everyone else I'm sure :)

Original poster

Tempernillo · 14/09/2012 12:21

Trust me she is not cute mid tantrum. She has got a real set of lungs on her! I think I'm going to get her singing lessons when she is big enough as she is a proper diva in the making...

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fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/09/2012 12:23

does she throw herself on the floor dramatically?

DD is prob at the same stage (she is 5.11 but has SN) and she lies on the floor and then waves her fists in the air, looking rather cute.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/09/2012 12:24

when we were on holiday recently we saw parents with a DD that age, they were carrying her round having the biggest tantrum i have ever seen, the poor people looked so embarrassed but I just had sympathy for them, everyone with kids will understand!

imnotmymum · 14/09/2012 12:27

Oh the memories of toddler tantrum everyone will have forgotten by next week and had their fair share of tantrums in the meantime. Maybe explain she can play after before you go?

Original poster

Tempernillo · 14/09/2012 12:29

Yeah, she was literally kicking and screaming! She is kind of cute when she does it at home, but in public it is just ! But maybe trying to see the cute side will make it easier to cope within future, thanks for tip!

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DairyNips · 14/09/2012 12:29

Trust me, everyone's kid has been 'that child' on several occasions. I have 3 boys and the first two have had tantrums here there and everywhere. Ds3 isn't old enough for tantrums yet but I fully expect him to treat me to many along the way too

Tantrums are totally normal and just their way of trying to have a bit of control over their world mixed with the fact they can't quite control their emotions yet.

No need to be embarrassed, it's not your fault

Original poster

Tempernillo · 14/09/2012 12:30

Thanks im, but I don't think she will really understand if we try and explain it to her she's not really at that stage yet.

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DairyNips · 14/09/2012 12:31

Here's an interesting article I read about tantrums recently www.the-mule.com/2012/08/responsive-parenting-why-tantrums-matter.html?m=1

DairyNips · 14/09/2012 12:36

Here's some more general info about tantrums myhealth.alberta.ca/alberta/Pages/Emotional-Development-Toddlers.aspx[smile]

Original poster

Tempernillo · 14/09/2012 12:52

So what should I have done today? Every time I touched her she got worse. Should I have taken her outside and let her play? I think this would have magically cured her! Or taken her outside and cuddled her, but don't think she wanted cuddling, she wanted to play! Or tried to cuddle/soothe her in the room, which probably would have made her louder/kick out more. I'm not being facetious, I genuinely want to know what the right thing to do is. I could have just let her play, but I felt she would then be missing out on something that I'm sure she would have enjoyed if she gave it a chance.

I do instinctively think that she doesn't do it to be naughty, she is a happy child usually and whilst she is wilfull and confident, I like this about her, she has a strong attachment so is therefore quite independent, and I don't want to "punish" this out of her and make her upset when she doesn't need to be, just for the sake of discipline.

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20wkbaby · 14/09/2012 12:58

I think to be honest out of consideration for other parents and their children I would have just taken her home. If you had let her play that may encourage her to behave this way any time she wants something other than what she has got. Even though she is little I would also have explained to her why I was doing what I was doing and told her that she couldn't play on the soft play stuff and why.

I don't think there is a right and wrong to be honest though and I'm not being critical of the way you handled things as you know your own child best and were actually there at the time. With my DD (now 4) I know the only way is to remain calm, be firm and explain even if it doesn't seem to be sinking in. I manage to do all these things about 50% of the time, the other 50% I lose it myself!

Original poster

Tempernillo · 14/09/2012 13:09

I did take her home after the class finished and told her we were going home and now playing because she had been naughty. I probably should have taken her out of the class sooner, but every time I was about to she seemed to start engaging with the class/dancing/smiling etc so I would leave it, but then inevitably she would melt down again! I wanted to give it a fair go as it was a free trial class and if I take her again I will have to pay for the whole term. So I wanted to stick the class out to see if she would settle into it eventually. If she was going every week anyway already I would have taken her out the second she kicked off and just hoped for better the following week! As it stands now I won't take her back. She may be fine if I took her again but if she isn't, I'll have paid for the whole term!

I did consider letting her play this time, so she learns that if she sticks the class out she will get to play after, but then I thought was is the point?! The whole point of these classes was something fun for us to do together, no point if she, me and the rest of the class are miserable!

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JollyCoddler · 14/09/2012 13:17

I find DS reacts better to thinks when I explain them first. Even though they don't talk a lot at that age they sometimes understand a lot. Last week at toddler group he started to howl because he wanted my coffee cup. I told him he couldn't have it because it was hot. He carried on howling. So I walked away and left him to it. Clearly this was easier to do because we were in a 'safe' enclosed room and I knew he would get over it eventually.

In your situation I don't know what I'd have done. DS is pretty good at shutting up for a minute to hear an explanation, or I can at least squeeze one in between screams. So I'd say 'you can play in the soft play afterwards, but only if you stop crying and join in'. And if he carried on I'd tell him that if he didn't behave himself I'd take him to the car and we'd go home. And then we'd go home if he still carried on.

I really do think they can understand quite a bit and learn fairly quickly that mummy follows through on her threats.

TantrumsandBananas · 14/09/2012 13:20

My DD is 3 this month and seems to be getting better, but I have to say from probably around 18 months til about a month ago. Tantrums in Public were a nightmare. One of the reasons I changed my MN name - to try and make light of it!

Agree totally with 20wkbaby. From very early on, I started saying mantra when we were going wherever to her. Along the lines of any tantrums/hitting/screaming/bad bahaviour - we go home. And I stuck to it. Sometimes we would only be there for 5 minutes. As time went on, she would repeat our mantra to me on the way there! When she started to understand the connection between being badly behaved and going home it started to work. The shocked silence in the buggy, when she realised what was goinf on. But it didn'thappen over night. Its hard work.

Its awful, and I know that my DD was and is still in some circles known as "that child". Its distressing, because you know yourself that they are a lovely kid!

HUGE improvement since I stopped toddler groups which for her (not slating them thay are great) I think she had outgrown them.

Now at playgroup three mornings a week, and I can see a really big difference in her.

It WILL pass!

Original poster

Tempernillo · 14/09/2012 13:35

Thanks all! It's weird cos at toddler groups she is really good, she plays nicely and shares and is good with other kids. But I am back to work now, so need to find other things to do with her when I'm off. I took her to baby ballet last week, and whilst she didn't kick off as such and she really enjoyed it, she didn't stay sat with her mums and copy the teacher like all the other kids did, she wanted to stand up and dance around and do her own thing! She doesn't seem to do so well at things where she is supposed to do a certain thing in a certain way! Although she does know the actions to a few songs. So maybe she is just a bit too young for this kind if thing? All the other kids seem to be ok though, so then that gets me worried as to whether her development is ok, but I am probably just being silly! God sorry to go on, must sound so pfb.

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JollyCoddler · 14/09/2012 13:52

They're all different, Temper and you just need to find something that suits her just now. I wouldn't be worrying about her development - she just wants to be more active and independent, that's not a bad thing, just different to some of the other children :)

TantrumsandBananas · 14/09/2012 13:53

Don't you worry, its difficult not to compare - we are only human.

I used to see lovely well behaved little girlies, and see my DD having a meltdown....believe me, I considered behaviour problems the lot. There is nothing wrong with her, I know that really its just how she is and I love that! She is a livewire!

NCForNow · 14/09/2012 13:58

Can I just say...she's a baby still. You'd be far better just letting her play freely when you are off work rather than making her sit through classes she's not into. At 20 months, she wants freedom to explore and learn...with you...near you...but the key word is freedom.

Original poster

Tempernillo · 14/09/2012 14:26

Yes I agree nc, but had started to doubt myself! We had a lovely summer whilst I was on holiday, doing lots of stuff together with family and friends and we sing and dance together and dd really loves it. So I thought these classes would be a nice chance to do that but mix with other kids at the same time as she enjoyed toddlers and singing there so much. But I don't want to force her to be obedient just for the sake of it, she is way off starting even nursery let alone school. Cm does lots of activities with her as well and she is always well behaved and engaged so I know really her development is fine.

I felt compelled to apologise after her baby ballet class for her running around etc as all the other kids stayed close to their mums. The teacher said don't worry, she will soon learn to sit down when she is told etc. But not sure if this is necessarily what I wanted her to get out of it at this age. I think I will take her to the 2 more classes I have paid for, then wait til she's 3 or 4 and let her go to proper ballet classes if she wants to, where the more disciplined environment may be of some benefit in prep for school, and she can understand instructions better!

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