Very 'new' dad seeks help with troublesome 10 year old..

[david85]

Hi everyone,

So... this is my first ever post (bear with me if I waffle...!) and I could do with some advice.

I'm in a relationship with a guy who was previously married with three kids (talk about baggage). It was all going perfectly fine... and I was playing the cool gay step dad role pretty well... until his ex wife decided she was struggling with the eldest child (and to be perfectly honest, I'm on her side on this one).

Apparently he's always had a temper, but it seems to have gotten worse and worse over the last few months. He's now getting very aggressive and has started hitting my partner and his mum. And he's not a small 10 year old - 5ft 8 with a big frame and a lot of strength. He also wets the bed repeatedly each night... three times last night.

I'm very worried that his aggressive behaviour is a result of me coming into his life. He's the only one that remembers his parents together, and I'm worried I've made him feel unstable...

That said, I'm the only one he listens to - I can calm him down really easily and surely if he had a problem with me, his aggression would be aimed at me?

Do you think there's something bothering him that's causing the bed wetting and aggression?

Any help / advice you have would be very much appreciated...

Hiya, welcome

I'm not sure what to suggest, but can you just confirm that he is 5ft8? Or is that a typo?

The poor child has gone through some massive and traumatic changes in his life. Not only are his parents separated, but his father is in a relationship with another man.

How have his parents handled the situation? In their place I would find a therapist/psychologist to help this boy with this transition. The boy clearly needs professional help coping.

David, there are so many things that could be going on that his parents need outside help soon.
The school and the GP are great places to start, There are psychologists who work with this age group.
On MN there are topic threads that might help more, lone parents, step parenting and gay parents. You might find some good sources of help there.

Sorry, posted too soon.

My parents split when I was 10 and I found it hard when my dad had a new relationship. I took it out on my parents not my dads Grlfriend. My nephew still wets the bed at 11 after hs parents split. It's common, but needs careful help.

It is possible that your relationship with your partner may need to take second place to his son for a while. Sounds harsh I know. One of my friends moves out of the bedroom he shares with his boyfriend when his child visits. Another only sees hs girlfriend when her kids are with their dad.

Thanks all...

@EdMcDunnough - nope, not a typo... he's huge. Which makes me wonder if it all could potentially be a hormonal thing? Thoughts?

@timetoask - before I was on the scene (and ever since I have as well), his dad has been a major part of his life. seeing the kids most nights after school etc. We have the children every weekend and the eldest has now moved in with us on a temporary permanent basis so his mum can have a bit of a break. To be honest, the mum and my partner fight like cat and dog - don't necessarily speak to each other in an appropriate way, in my opinion... I've told them both that they need to tolerate each other more and deal with the situation in an adult like fashion... By the way, I'm not the reason he left his wife ;-)

@Hopeforever - thanks so much. I'm going to have a read of those posts now. The problem we're facing is that he acts like a normal 10 year old at school so they don't see a problem. When we've been to the doctors, they've advised us that the school has to refer him to a behavioural expert... but because he's not aggressive at school, they're unwilling to do so. We're stuck between a rock and a hard place...

If anyone knows of any organisations that deal with aggressive behaviours, or have heard of good practitioners, I'd be really grateful if you could point me in the right direction.

David, sounds as if you are the only one thinking straight.

As School and GP are not being helpful, I'd keep a diary of events so that you have a good record of what is happening and how often.

As for his parents fighting, how difficult it must be for him. Could you persuade your partner to only be in contact with his ex wife by email or text? This reduces the chance of them shouting at each other.

It's a good things he has got someone thinking clearly! Ignore my last post!!

I was thinking about some kind of hormonal struggle going on, yes - it is a very unusual height for a child in year 6.

Is it possible he might have something growth related causing an exacerbation in levels of testosterone, or similar - this would be somethin for a paediatrician to assess. So you'd need a referral for him.

something

chart for average height and weight for boys.

Children on the tallest (95th) centile are still under 5ft.

I would not want to diagnose online, and have no medical background, but I'd think of flagging this up with a doctor, just in case it might help to explain some of his issues.

david: I contacted CAHMS ( Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) regarding my son's behaviour (he has special needs), the school didn't move a muscle, his behaviour at school is great.

Find the phone number of your local CAHMS and ask them for help. Continue to insist with your GP that this boy needs psychological help. Forget about the school, his parents need to deal with this.

I have a very, very tall DS ( at 13 he is 6ft 3) and got a great piece of advice from a pediatrician. He told us to reduce our expectations of his behaviour by 20% which would mean that he succeeded more often. He said that so often behaviour that is laughingly dismissed in a cute impish 5 footer is taken far too seriously in a super tall child because at some level we expect them to act their height, not their age.
I am not downplaying the obvious challenges you are all dealing with, but just wanted to pass on this perception because I found it helpful. Good luck - you sound like a great stepdad.

Thanks all... most have you have been really helpful.

@timetoask - really appreciate your advice re. CAHMS - being new to this whole parenting malarky, I didn't even have a clue they existed. I'm going to go have a chat to them tomorrow to see what can be done.

@saffronwblue - that's probably the soundest advice I've ever heard - so true. I've noticed that more regular praise for the little things he does is having a positive effect (slowly but surely) on his mood swings... so this is definitely something I think the three of us should try and continue.

@quietlysuggests - appreciate your comments, and I understand where they're coming from, but I'm in the child's life as much as his parents are, so I have a duty to support them both wherever possible. The only difference is, I'm not as emotionally involved as the parents are, so can be a lot more rational about it all.

He's gone through a lot of change in a short life, it might take him some time to accept this change (you being part of his life) is a permanent one, not another thing that could change.

I also would echo that you talk to your DP about how he deals with his ExW - she can't argue if he doesn't argue back, and dealing as much as possible over e-mail and text can help. Also taking a deep breath and remembering that even if she is in the wrong, he would be in the wrong too if he raised his voice where his DCs can hear - it's not worth winning an argument if the cost is hurting his DCs.