So worried about DS

[BamBam21]

I am hoping somebody here could maybe advise me please.

DS1 is 8 and started P4 last month. His behaviour has been difficult for a long time now. He is basically a good and well-behaved boy, but he is very strong-willed, and can get really angry and argumentative about things, to the point of being contrary just for the sake of it. He is like a stroppy teen sometimes, arguing, moaning etc. Everything is very negative with him. Now, he is massively into Dr Who at the moment, and has a bow-tie that he got free with the Dr Who magazine. He insisted that he wear it to school this morning. In the past, he has taken Thomas trains to school (P1 and P2) and got teased and bullied about it; he took Toy Story stuff to school (P3) and got teased and bullied about it. I tried to explain that probably the same would happen today, but he won't listen. I realise that no child should ever be bullied, and that Dr Who is a bit more grown up and "cool" than Toy Story or Thomas, but realistically children will always tease others and some will take it too far. I have been to the school about it before, but I think he also needs to help himself and try to fit in. I have stopped him from taking stuff into school in the past, but it feels like a constant battle and sometimes I just can't take another argument.

I'm sorry that this is long, and also that I might not be explaining myself all that well. We also have DS2 who is just 7 months old, but this has been a problem long before then. He has been to see a hypnotherapist to deal with anger and negativity caused by his father, who he hasn't seen for about 2 years (at his own choice), and that seemed to help for a couple of weeks, but we are back at square one now, and I feel so sad.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Is this all just normal?

You must be exhausted! I can't advise you about the behaviour of your 8 year old as I'm still pre-school mummy, but I do have a suggestion re the toy he takes into school. He's bound to resist you if you try and take it away from him (once he's decided to take it to school) because he sounds strong-willed. I would suggest that you talk to the teacher, either after you get to school or a phone call in the morning before you leave home to explain the situation. Ask for the teacher to remove the toy (put in locker, or drawer until the end of the day) as soon as he's distracted. It won't take long after he arrives at school that he forgets about his bow-tie (or whatever it may be) and his teacher will be able to put it away. That way he won't have it at break-time and the other children won't see him with it for long. Don't take on this argument yourself, it's not a battle you need to have. Leave it to the teacher.
Is it possible he's looking for some control in his life? Can you empower him, so he doesn't feel frustrated and angry. As they say, let him make the choice, but make sure it's the choice you want him to make! I hope you get some advice on the other issues.

Thanks for your reply ErinH.

I think you are right about him needing control. He has always very much wanted to control what happens in a game etc, rather than just going with the flow. Also, say there are two of something, he will ask me which I like best, and whichever one I say he will disagree and say he prefers the other. Does that make sense?

I know I get angry and frustrated, and that doesn't help, but I just so want him to be happy and settled, and to fit in with his peers at school.

How funny, I was going to say the opposite. DP is very head strong and angry, MIL mentioned he was lalready ike this as a toddler and child. She spent her entire life trying to curb his determination by trying to control him / it and failed spectacularly to the point that it is 3 decades that he has not felt loved or understood by his mum.
Why not acept that this is his character. Also he might try to define himself and the bow tie might be an attempt to distinguish himself. One of my colleagues has a son (now 10) who also had a bow tie eposide but only wore it at home (all the time). I'm surprised your DS does not have to wear his school uniform and cna wear the bow tie instead....
As for the bullies and fitting in, as much as you'd want him to fit in it ain't going to happen if he feels different and doesn't want to. The only thing you can do is tell him to be open with you and tell you if anything ontowards is happening at school but ultimately it is his choice how he interacts with the outside world. Asking him to behave like you would like to simply to please you is not fair imho, he should be allowed to be himself and loved for whom he is, if that is being not so popular and a bit different, then so be it...

Hi Jolly. Thanks for your comment. It got me thinking.

My DM said to me that the negativity and stroppiness are characteristics that he gets from me! At first I just thought, oh here we go, obviously yet another example of how BamBam never quite matched up to her perfect BamBrother. But then I thought that, actually, it could be quite true! I think I need to empathise more with DS and see things from his viewpoint. My main worry, apart from the arguing and contrariness etc, was obviously about him making himself a target for bullies, as I had a lot of bullying at school and want him to avoid that if possible, but like you say, trying to suppress his natural personality will be more problematic in the long run.

Incidentally, he went in this morning with a fetching school uniform/bow-tie combo, with the tie neatly under his polo shirt collar!

I'm glad you found my comments helpful. That is how I meant them.
I understand what you mean about wanting to protect him from being bullied, but you can't really do this except teach him how to say no and how to remain his own person. His dertermination may help him with that... Also, not to keep things secret and ask for help when/if he feels overwhelmed or hurt.
Being different is not a bad trait, on the contrary. If he feels different, learning to deal with this is a much better protection than trying to pretend he is someone he is not.