Aggressive Dnephew constantly hurting/bullying Ds at family events? stay away or speak-up?

[CombineBananaFister]

My Ds is 2.5 and Dnephew is 5 and pretty much every time we all meet up he tries to hurt him or is just plain mean. He has aggression problems and has a social worker because of quite a serious incident at nursery (don't want to give details incase I out myself). My Ds is not a pfb or anything and this is not just boys rough and tumble or kids arguing/bickering which happens - its quite harsh stuff e.g being threatened with a knife, bit, hit, made to eat dirt, shoved into nettles, tried to shove a clothes pole in his eye as well as usual stuff
Now while i love my nephew I just don't feel my Ds is genuinely safe around him and my gut instinct is to remove ourselves from future family events until DN behaviour can be improved. But then its Ds that will miss out by not seeing his grandparents and cousins and really he shouldn't have to suffer. Dnephew and Sil spend a lot of time at at other cousins and ILs so he just wouldn't get to see them much or do any of the fun outings if we avoid-am totally torn.
Whenever Dnephews behavior gets mentioned it usually causes a huge row (to the point DH is a bit alienated from his family now) and I come away feeling like a bodyguard and drained. WWYD? Any Ideas/experience? am at my wits end as I don't live near my family so its all he's got.
just to point out it's not just Ds he hurts, it's other random people at softplay/parks etc

I'd speak up so far as I needed to so my DS could still be with his family and be safe, otherwise I'd probably leave it to the parents. I'd supervise them constantly when together, but I wouldn't want to stay away from family.

But then, I'm comfortable telling random kids in softplay/ parks to pack in whatever they're doing that's harming my own DS, and I don't really care if I do offend the little darling's parents, so I may not be the best person to advise here....

BTW, where is DN's own DM while all this is going on?

What did you say when he threatened your ds with a knife? IMO the time to say something was then, while the parents can see what has just happened.

What I would do is ask grandparents and other cousins to visit you at your house and that was your child can have a relationship with them without being a target of your nephew.

Also surly everyone must have issue with this child, why is your DH being alienated? Do his parents not watch what he does, try to stop him?

I don't think it is you or your child that should stay away from Family events.

I'd prioritise keeping my child safe over family rows, although it must be difficult. There was an article recently about some research in to children with psychopathic tendencies, its actually quite common
www.telegraph.co.uk/health/children_shealth/9510937/One-in-100-children-are-psychopaths-experts-believe.html

I guess it makes sense, some adults definitely struggle with empathy and have a tendency to violence and anger; it must start when they are kids.

What are DNs parents doing, do they see any of this, stop it? How does mentioning DNs behaviour offend people, do his parents, your MIL get defensive and deny it is happening?

What happened when DS was threatened with a knife, was it brushed over or did someone tell him off? I'm assuming it was brushed over by the rest of the post. You and your DH need to stick up and protect your son and show him that he wil not be hurt or threatened, tough if it annoys your ILs. Could you arrange to see them separately and avoid big family get togethers.

Sorry, shouldn't have been MIL but PILs and ILs generally.

The thing is, I do speak up I'm no wallflower and tbh Ds is worse but Sil does not take kindly to any form of criticism and percieves it as us being mean (as she's got problems, am trying really hard etc) and I do really feel for her because I can tell she is genuinley embarassed but she also pays the sympathy card a bit because she's having a otugh time at the mo so we're walking on eggshells. Then the rest of the family feel sorry for her and we look like shits but it still doesn't excuse his behaviour which is why am thinking lets just cut and run for a bit.

Sounds like SIL is using emotional blackmail to avoid addressing her DS' behaviour. Again, being known as somewhat gobby forthright within my own family circle, and having been raised by the queen of emotional blackmail, I wouldn't let that stop me, personally.

I would however be very, very careful about the language I used - assertive not aggressive, neutral not value-laden, hate the sin love the sinner etc. so that the poor behaviour which must change is the focus, rather than your DN being naughty/ a bad boy, IYSWIM.

I know your right right on the emotional blackmail score Springforward as there's always some excuse why we have to give leeway but Sil did have something pretty horrific happen to her on a night out (am not doing details) and I don't want to sound heartless but this was happening way before it. Happycamel - the lack of empathy is a big deal, it's almost like he can'e comprehend it's wrong, not that he's being sneaky which is what gives me the uneasy feeling about Ds safety tbh. Blueberryhill-that's my feeling too, i need to show Ds he is protected by me and I'll keep him safe because right now it's confusing signals for a 2 yr old. Also other cousins do get hurt but because they are actually sisters other Sil puts up with and confides in me about how she feels. Her little girl seems to have changed a lot-tougher than she has to be at that age IMO

Combine, it sounds like a really difficult position, I can only imagine what your SIL has gone through and I'm really sorry for her, but it cannot be at the expense of your son. I know you know that, its not easy to do in practice. So sorry its impacting on all the cousins but they should be protected too.

What does your DH think about leaving it for a while, I'm assuming he'll be the one getting the flack from it?

I would try and get the other sister in law on side if she confides in you and is unhappy, and try and get family together without this boy around, I know it will be seen as mean but any child that took a knife to mine would be banned from any contact with us again.

Dh is a lot more brutal than me- he thinks MY Child, My priority. I on the otherhand am walking a fine line and going slighty mad. I don't believe kids can be innately bad but Dnephews behaviour appalls me times but I think he might just need some genuine attention and not just toys. I don't want to be unsympathetic to Sil. I don't want to jeapordise my Ds safety. I think I'm going to take a breather from family events, find fun-stuff for Ds to do and say they are welcome to visit. Thanks for your advice. Feel much calmer, Ds is a bit poorly today, he had a bad family event at the weekend and i guess it all just got a bit much today when I saw him ill (only a chest infection) but thanks - am normally such a hardass! am off to tend to him

I don't always say this but in this situation it is "your child, your priority".

Tell his grandparents that you've been speaking about the aggression your ds has been subjected to and have been told to keep your ds away until things improve because he's showing signs of stress. See if the grandparents can come to you for a bit. Maybe the other sil would like to too, you can both relax knowing you don't have to watch out for what he might be doing.