Underachieving boys - I cannot believe I have one......

[fartmeistergeneral]

I am at the end of my tether with my 13 yo ds. In the top class for English, second top for Maths. Obviously reasonably capable but not remotely motivated or interested. Homework is half arsed. Essays are messy and end up with teachers' negative comments all over.

He had an essay to prepare for tonight. I sat with him as an experiment to give guidance on what they might be looking for, looked stuff up on the internet. He was slouched on the seat, asked him to sit up a few times. Tried to remain calm. Ended up with him saying he couldn't do it (the most basic sentence), can't be bothered, not interested etc. I ended up taking the dog for a walk and when I came back and looked at internet history, he'd been on Facebook. I just had to give up. The thing is, he'll do this essay tomorrow, get a shite mark and not care a jot.

Me and my dh are quite motivated people, quite academic in our day, sporty and kind of 'get up and go'. My other ds (younger) is also like us. I accept that my ds1 reacts against this but what to do?

He's just come in to say he thinks I hate him and when I explained my frustration because I feel he's an incredibly capable boy, he just kept saying, no, that's not true, you just hate me..

What can I do??

What is his diet like? Could you begin with that if it's less than good?

I know most 13 year old boys eat any old crap and all day long..but maybe he could do with more water? Less additives?

I am also very motivated and understand your frustration...you could try threatening to remove stuff if there's not an immediate improvement too.

Set minimum standards - ie you expect him to do homework on time and get a passing grade. If he doesn't take his mobile phone, internet, games system (xbox etc) TV and all after school activities off him. Refuse to drive him to friends houses etc. - if he can't be arsed to make an effort, then let him suffer the consequences of it and don't make effort for him to have his enjoyable after school activities. Also, hard as it can be, if he is determined to fail, let him. Send the teacher an email saying that he has refused/made no effort with the homework and that you support the school in giving him detention or any other punishment. But make clear to your son - if he chooses to fail there will be swift and unpleasant consequences. Make sure you follow through and don't return his privileges until you see a long term, established pattern of good behaviour. Also make sure the computer is in a public room in the house, not his bedroom and kids cannot, by a large, be trusted on the computer or resist the temptation of social networking.

This description sounds exactly like my ds. I'm always getting you hate me etc and he expects a rest after every sentence he writes. However he is 8. It's really depressing to know that it doesn't improve as they get older.

I'm a secondary school teacher (English) and see loads of boys like your son at Key Stage Three who have a huge attitude shift towards end of Year 9/start of GCSE. Lots of boys don't see the point in trying until they feel it really matters. It's incredibly frustrating at the time but from the sounds of it your son is a bright and capable boy and the chances are that when he decides to buck up his ideas he will do very well. The other thing about boys is that typically they are very afraid to fail so they deliberately don't try - this way they can put their underachievement down to the fact that they didn't bother making an effort. It sounds like your son feels negative about his work - he says he can't do it and that you hate him. Again, it's trying to shift the blame but I find staying relentlessly positive and praising, praising, praising can work well with these students - often telling kids 'you will do well at this task because you are really good at this kind of thing' etc becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But honestly try not to panic too much - at 13 he has plenty of time to turn things round and hopefully he will soon!

Your description is exactly the scenario I had with my 10yr old DS last night. Claimed he had no clue what to write, even when he was half way through a word. He always gets good comments from teachers about how capable he is. I think he just hates homework. I lost my rag in the end and left him to it. Don't know what he did, but he did something and put it away in his bag, so I'm assuming he managed. I am dreading what he'll be like come secondary school.

Sorry, realise this isn't very helpful, but I will say that when it comes to something he is interested in, he puts more effort in e.g. A sport. I think he feels quite intimidated when something is difficult - could that be what is happening with your DS, given that he is naturally quite bright?
I think my DS doesn't know how to deal with the feeling of having to think slowly, and be patient enough to allow the thoughts to develop and emerge, or try out trial and error before getting it right. Not sure how you teach that to someone. I think they just have to learn it the hard way.

Yes I have one as well. It amazes me tbh. I have a 14 year old dd who is not as naturally clever as ds1 but getting much much better marks as she works super hard. She organizes her homework, does very thorough research, completes all assignments with time to spare, starts her homework as soon as she gets home, does her revision.

Then I have DS1 who does the bare minimum, ends up with 4 pieces of homework all due the next day, never revises for tests etc.

It's so frustrating.

OP that sounds very very frustrating.

Some things that might help:

Fresh air and exercise. Lots of.
Good food. Lots of.
Sleep. Lots of.
Showering (peps up a jaded soul). Lots of.

Then I would work on where he wants to be in five years time. Does he have plans? Nohting motivates someone like a plan. I'm a fan of writing goals down actually.

Then I would ensure he realises that your expectations of effort are here to stay. If he moans and tells you to get off his back, just laugh and say you will when he's 18 and at Oxbridge.

Finally, make sure you model motivation and effort in yourself. It sounds like you do, but it is always worth reminding ourselves that we have to walk the walk as well as talk the talk. Saying 'At your age I did x,y or z,' will bring nothing but yawns. Show him that you are doing these things now.

Thank you so much for your messages. My husband (a teacher!) has told me to back off, and I can see his point. Nagging is not working! He's really good at music, but bone idle and never practices. I feel like if he would just even try at his music (plays various instruments, can actually more or less teach himself, a good potential talent) - this would give him confidence and see success, but he just cannot be bothered.

I thought most teenagers had underachieving spells. I will consider it kinda freaky if any of mine don't.

As a teacher, I am so happy to see the advice given. I want to offer some reassurance though- he will probably perk up in key stage four when he realises things have got serious.
Does his school have any systems in place to monitor attitude to learning?

I don't think so. Fingers crossed it will all turn around!