At my wits end with 7yr old DS's behaviour. Surely this isn't normal!

[Betti]

I have a 7yr old son (middle child) who's behaviour is deteriorating by the day. Basically he thinks he knows the answer to everything. If he asks a question and you give him the answer, he says 'no it's not.....it's such and such'. He refuses to do things like homework and it takes things like his xbox being taken away for him to give in and do it. He is extremely stubborn, argumentative and fairly aggressive both verbally and physically. He's losing friends as he's so bossy and such a 'know-it-all'. He is very intelligent but his handwriting is appalling...more like a 4-5yr old and when we speak to him about it he says writing is boring and I hate it. He aggravates his older sister and younger brother almost for fun. He seems to enjoy it. When I tell him off and tell him to go to his room, he shouts at me and sometimes lashes out. Othertimes he cries at everything (usually things that aren't important). His teacher has had to speak to me several times about his behaviour in the classroom, shouting out, not sitting still. It doesn't matter how he is punished, nothing really bothers him. I am really at my wits end. Surely this isn't normal behaviour for a 7yr old. He is very different from my other children. I am beginning not to like being around him as he just causes everyone to argue. It really is getting me down and I don't know who can help me.

Betti, I could have written your OP.
My DS1 is now 11 but his behavioural problems are identical.
Have you considered that he may be ASD.
My DS1 was diagnosed officially last year after lots of referrals and assessments. It took a long time but I felt it was necessary as his behaviour and aggression towards others couldn't just be bad parenting as my DD is nothing like him at all.
Have a look through the Special Needs talk and you will probably find lots of parents living with the same problem.

Wow 2712, that's interesting. What is ASD? I'll have a look on the other thread. Thanks so much.

First off, if your son won't do his homework, then fine. That is his choice. Let him refuse. Then send a note to school saying "DS has not done his homework as he refused. Please punish him as you see fit." (I say this as a teacher - I would have no problem with a parent doing this). Your son is 7 - he is old enough to make this choice and he is old enough to face the reality of the consequence of his behaviour at school.

If he argues with the answers you give him to questions then ignore it, he'll soon find out he is wrong - so if he tells you that the film you are going to see at the cinema doesn't start till 8 when you know it starts at 7, then go at 8 and let him miss the film. Yes, it may mean you are all inconvenienced in the short term, but you are thinking long term goals here. Alternatively simply tell him you are tired of his rude behaviour when you answer his questions and no longer wish to. He will soon stop if you stay consistent with this.

I understand your concern that he will become unpopular with his peer group. He may well. But that is reality and he will learn from it; unfortunately sometimes we can't rescue our children from their own mistakes and need to let them learn from them.

I wonder whether the behaviour has got into a cycle of bad behaviour = attention. Can you spend more one to one time with him doing something he enjoys doing?

I think the middle child often feels they have to shout the loudest to get themselves seen. Do you do reward charts, positive reinforcement with him? It sounds like things are very negative and he will know that you don't like him very much at the moment.

I agree with the above poster re his homework, you need to pick your battles extremely carefully. One parenting technique that I saw used on a child that was very demanding was to sit and just observe and say out loud exactly what they are doing! I know it sounds a bit stupid but the idea being that you are really seeing them and noticing what they are doing.

Betti, to add a couple of other things. You say being punished doesn't bother your DS, but this is probably not true. What we tend to mean when we parents say this is that the punishment hasn't stopped the undesirable behaviour. :) And remember, when you are the middle child annoying your older and younger siblings is fun! I'd try to ignore it - don't involve yourself, tell them to sort it out amongst themselves and walk away from them all. They probably won't kill each other ;)

Your son is not crying over nothing - he is crying over something, you just haven't figured out what. And it may not have anything to do with the trigger event. Try to find commonality of causes to his crying jags: is it when things go wrong (he feels a failure) for example compared to siblings.

You say you are starting to dislike spending time with your son - and he probably senses this at some level and will escalate his behaviour to get your attention. Children are emotional, not rational. He will seek your attention in any way possible. If the easiest and most sure fire way for him to get your attention is by acting out then this is what he will do. Therefore actively manipulate ways to spend one-on-one time with your son doing activities he likes and can teach you. Go kick a football together. Find ways to let your son shine in your eyes - remind both him and you why he is your DearSon

Could also be that he is very, VERY intelligent & is very frustrated at not being stretched in school, but doesn't know how to express it?

Thank you so much ladies. All of your ideas are brilliant and by venting my concerns and reading your replies, the problem now seems solvable. I'm now viewing the situation through your eyes and trying not to be too emotional about the whole thing. This morning my youngest ds started school and all his brother could say was you are horrible and I hate you. He refused to have his photo taken with his little brother and thinking about it I think it was jealousy. We are now going to try to do more one to one stuff with him. Great idea about the homework, so will be doing that too. So once again, thanks for all the ideas. I feel so much more positive now.

I oredered a book called 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' off amazon, a lot of mns said it was very good, haven't read it yet but may be one for you to look at. Hope things improve soon [smile

or even!!