5 year old DS and tantrums - breaking point

[Llareggub]

My DS is nearly 6 and he has always had terrible tantrums at home. Outside the home he is positively angelic and perfectly behaved. I have always received positive comments about his behaviour at school and clubs.

At home, I am starting to think I just cannot cope with his tantrums any more. We have had a tough year following my separation from his father due to his alcoholism. Things were pretty tough going at home before then and I am sure this plays a part in his behaviour.

He taunts his brother (3 yo) until violence erupts and then he turns into a ball of fury. Nothing I do or say makes any difference at all. I have tried everything and this morning, while we were all in bed togetfher, he was battering his little brother and I pulled him back by his t shirt to stop him. He has a red mark on his neck from where this pulled on his neck and now I am devastated to have done that.

They are playing quite happily together now and I know that it won't be long before has another tantrum.

I've tried using lots of exercise, I have tried taking his bike away, I have tried talking to him afterwards but he just makes a grunting sound when I try to talk. I have tried lots of one to one time - I have honestly tried it all and I'm at breaking point. I just don't know where to go from here and feel quite tearful about how broken our family is. Can anyone help with any ideas?

If you really feel that you're at breaking point you probably need to share this with someone in RL.

You could approach the school nurse for some support or your GP can refer him to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service if you feel he has serious after-effects of what happened pre-divorce.

If you do approach professionals for support the first thing they will probably do is assume that you need to go on a parenting course to help you manage his behaviour logically and consistently. This assumption would be based on the fact that he is fine with everyone else. I know this is not a fair assumption and he probably only feels secure enough with you to display his emotions honestly.

If you keep a diary of his general behaviours, triggers for tantrums, how you managed them and how long they lasted this might help them take you more seriously. It might also be a very good way to help you to recognise what is causing this and help him yourself.

I hope you find a way to calm things down soon.

Thank you for responding. I do think this morning it felt like the end of the world and I think I feel very guilty about how things have worked out. 99% the time it isn't breaking point so perhaps I have exaggerated a little.

Your diary suggestion is a very good one and I will do that. I have previously spoken to his teachers about our situation and they have told me how good he is at school.

I will start with the diary and reassess the situation after a month. His dad is back in hospital at the moment which probably isn't helping his behaviour. My neighbour is a school nurse so I will have a chat with her for some advice. Thank you so much.

It sounds like you've all got a lot to cope with.

There are some lovely books around about helping children with overwhelming feelings. If you Google Margot Sunderland you might find one to help your DS if he's worrying about things he's having to deal with. Your local library may well have them or be able to get them in for you.

This is a good book too which helped me to help my DD2 work out better ways to express her anger.

A book is an excellent idea. We both enjoy reading together so I can't believe I didn't think of that. He is a wonderful, kind caring boy most of the time and I hate to see him so distressed.

Just a small word of warning. My DD had very big issues with controlling her anger and when I first introduced the book I've linked to to her she went straight into full meltdown. She couldn't cope with the emotions that were triggered. If I did it again I would find a way to introduce it more gently, perhaps only one page at a time or talking it through without the book first.

Good luck.

That's very helpful, thank you. How is she now? Does she find anger any easier? My DS point blank refuses to talk about it at the moment.

Let's just say it's a work in progress. It's been a while since she trashed a room or hit a member of the family. One thing that really helped was hanging a punchbag in the middle of her bedroom. She's learning to redirect her anger into kicking and punching it but it doesn't always work out like that.

Hello was going to post a similar titled thread about my dd who is 6yo and had an almighty tantrum tonight It started with me asking her to get in the bath, she knew it was coming, I had given her lots of warning and extra time to play etc. She just ignored me until I gave her a warning that if she continued to ignore me I would take her lego away, she continued to ignore me the lego went and omg she exploded

She screamed a lot, bashed and slammed doors and worked herself into a complete frenzy.

In all it lasted an hour I think I dealt with it o.kay ish, I managed to stay fairly calm, didn't shout, was consistant, eventually she calmed down and I was able to get her into bed.

Think tiredness plays a big part as she was very tired today as had a late night last night but even so was hoping by age 6yrs she would have outgrown them!!!

Sounds familiar girliefriend. It's hard work isn't it?

It's also hard to stay calm when they are really kicking off. I will never forget losing it with DD2 the day she threw a chair down the newly decorated staircase just before Christmas, minutes after DH was told he was being made redundant and 2 hours before we had a family arriving to stay for the weekend. How I didn't do her serious harm when I saw the black marks all down the wall I will never know.

If you are always calm and consistent and give warnings in the same format you are doing then best you can. It seems that just as they outgrow them they reach teenage and start all over again