How to handle kids disputes and other parent's involvement - getting stressed out

[kunoichi]

I don't know how to handle this situation and hope I've posted in the right thread!

DD7 (though she's quite mature) wants to play alone with her 11 year old best friend next door. We live on an estate where there are loads of other girls who also want to play with DD.

Just now, my neighbour sent her older daughter round to tell on DD and her best friend because they went next door to play together (just the two of them) and locked the gate. My neighbour's younger daughter was upset as she wanted to play with them.

I asked if my DD had done anything else that might be naughty (she doesn't swear, is never violent, and is generally a pleasant, though sometimes dramatic little girl) and was told no, just that little girl (aged 5) wanted to play and was upset that she couldn't get into my neighbours garden. Basically my neighbour was sending a message that I should tell my daughter and her best friend that they should be made to play with her daughter.

Personally I'm of the opinion that girls do this, they fall out sometimes, make up and that parents shouldn't get involved unless there are serious behaviour issues.

But on the same hand, I really don't want to fall out with neighbours. We're not especially friends, but I'm (recently become) a single parent, amid much gossip about my situation, and tbh falling out with neighbours could make life very unpleasant for me and the kids.

Any advice please?

I don't think that the other parent should have gotten involved and that what she did is manipulative.

It may not be 'nice' but it is up to your dd and her friend whether they want to play with another child. So long as they aren't being unkind I don't see a problem with this at all. Especially considering that they were in a private garden. It's not like they were out on the street rubbing her nose in it.

I think that for the sake of keeping the peace I would suggest that the two older ones include the 5 year old now and then, perhaps for a specific, time limited activity, but you can't make children play together. If they really don't want to include her in most of their play then they shouldn't be made to.

I'm not sure why the neighbour thinks her child has the right to enter anyone's garden uninvited. I would let her know that you've asked the girls to do something specific with her daughter but that, unless they are teasing her by telling her to come and then running away and locking her out or similar, you can't really control their friendships.

Your neighbour would be better inviting another 5 year old round for a playdate than chasing older girls for her to play with.

Thank you both for your advice, I feel reassured that my stance isn't unreasonable. But oh, kids (and their parents) can be so cruel!

DD popped home for a snack so we had a quick chat, reaffirming that she would be nice to our little neighbour even when she preferred to play with others. Unbeknownst to me, Little girl (I'll shorten to LG for clarity), Big Sis (and friends) had been waiting on my front garden for me to pop next door and tell the girls off! So when DD went back outside, was bombarded with "Why won't you play with -"

I heard DD explain that she wasn't being nasty and just wanted to spend some time with her best friend (planning celebrations for her b-day tomorrow). All seemed well for all of 5 minutes until LG's mum decided to come out and tell DD off for not wanting to play: "I'm not having this, you're not allowed to call for her anymore, she won't be calling for you again" etc.

Unfortunately I didn't hear this (was feeding baby) or would have gone out to calm the situation myself.

The impression I get from this is that my neighbour felt hassled, Big Sis obviously didn't want to entertain LG as she was playing with her own older friends, and both were bothering their mum.

Fair enough, I'm not the type to go round and launch a tirade, though I am rather angered by this. LG's mum is known as the type to lock the front door so her daughter can't "hassle" her when she's busy, but equally all summer I've been having to answer the door to LG (and others in the neighbourhood) every five minutes when they've been pestering me asking why DD doesn't want to play, while being a WAHM with a breastfed baby to look after.

/Rant over.

If I do see my neighbour in the street, I'm happy to say that I don't feel we should fall out over kids, after all they'll likely be playing with each other again by the weekend. But seriously, is this normal behaviour for parents?

I wouldn't call it normal or reasonable but I don't think it's that unusual.

We have a mum in our village who gets all caught up in her daughters' squabbles. She then ends up falling out with their friends' parents permanently while the children are over it all a week later.

Your neighbour sounds very like her.

It is hard to see your kids get left out it's happened to ds a couple of times this summer but I haven't got involved as I know kids are fairly self serving and if the boot was on the other foot ds wouldn't be worrying about who was being left out!

It isn't clear from your post but I think you are saying that the 5 yr old neighbour is the sister of the 11 year old, and your dd is 7 and she and the older sister locked the other child out of her own garden?! If this the case I would be unhappy if my older child and friend did this to my younger child, and would prefer my children to play together than have another child round. My children are closer in age, only 2 and half years apart, and they do have friend's round but I wouldn't tolerate any excluding, or bullying.

Bluebell - sorry my post was unclear, lots of girls from different families live around here so it's difficult to explain without using names!

DD's best friend (11y/o) lives next door, the five year old and her big sister live a few doors away.

If anything, the five year old is excluded from her older sister's play. The big sister wanted the little sister to play with DD so she could be free to play with her own friends. IMO that's not particularly fair either, but I certainly wouldn't intervene in their business.

Catsdontcare - I don't want to get involved in the children's disputes! Of course when DD comes in crying because she's been teased/someone's upset her/etc (which happens virtually every day - kids are kids after all!) I console her, talk to her and explain things. The only time I've ever even said something to another child is when they rush to explain "it wasn't my fault" and I've calmly explained why DD is upset. I've never stated blame to another person's child, only to my own, and try as much as possible to encourage DD to lead by example.

I'm currently saving as much as I can to erect a fence around the garden, as we only have a garden in front of the house where ALL the neighbourhood kids convene. I was hoping that with a fence in place, DD and baby (when he's older) can play in the garden and feel comfortable.