How can I help my fustrated 23mo dd?

[toomuchtooyoung]

I know this is all perfectly normal toddler behaviour but my 23mo dd has hit the terrible twos and spends more time crying, shrieking and wailing with fustration and anger during a day than she does being happy. She is pushing boundaries, and becomes frustrated when she doesn't get her way or can't do something like put on shoes properly.

She has had recent changes to deal with - 6 wk old ds - so I can't do as much with her as I used to. I also seem to spend hours feeding, burping and carrying ds in a sling but there isn't much I can change there until ds gets bigger.

It just seems so sad that my once happy go lucky, bubbly, adorable dd has changed so drastically and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to console or help her. I end up in tears too and hate that she seems so unhappy. I feel guilty.

Any tips on how to respond to her, help with her frustrations, reduce the tantrums? Bedtime has become a nightmare when she was once so happy to go to sleep. She still has an afternoon nap, anywhere between 1-2 hrs and I'm considering dropping or shortening it to see if that will help.

Thanks for reading this far!

No advice I'm afraid but I'm in pretty much the same boat as you. My 21 month old ds is going through exactly the same as your dd. ive also thought about dropping his nap down to an hour (he can sleep up to 3) he wails and shrieks at everything from getting into the car, to not being allowed the cello tape to me shutting the fridge door before he pulls everything out. I'm 2wks away from giving birth to dc3, ds1 has just started school this week. I hope someone will come along here and offer some advice!!

Oh blueberry, sounds like you need the help more than I do! How did you cope between the first two, or is there a larger age gap? Hoping somebody will be along soon.

Try not to let it worry you, when she gets frustrated that's okay, it's just an emotion and it's an important part of learning. The quicker you are to fix things for her or help her, the more easily she will get frustrated too. If you can just be nearby and just encouraging but in a neutral (not overdoing it, instructing or "helpful") way, that is the best thing. So say things like "That looks really difficult. You'll get there, keep trying." "Why don't you try again?" "I can see you're trying really hard!"

Try not to help (unless you need to for speed) unless she asks for help, and if she does ask for help try to encourage her to figure it out/do it for herself first, with verbal prompts if you can (e.g. why don't you try it the other way around) as this will help her become more confident in her own abilities and be less frustrated.

If she's acting out (e.g. biting or hitting) in frustration then it's best to recognise the feeling and redirect it into an acceptable way for her to express it, like biting a teething ring or hitting a big teddy or cushion or throwing a bean bag. She's a bit young to be able to control verbal outbursts (unfortunately!) but physically you can redirect her and she should pick this up.

I agree that you could try to let her do as much as possible herself.

Baby Goo gets stroppy like this (you should have seen the strop in Home Bargains today because I wouldn't open the toothbrrush until we had paid for it ) I have taught her to say ' help me' instead of screaming at me, and I make her say it before I will respond, so I am calm, going 'do you need help? say help me mummy' and she focuses a bit more.

The main thing is to try not to let it bother you. She might be crying and screaming but she will be over it as soon as the toothbrush packet is open or she has a biscuit. It's only embarassing if you get embarassed. And it's not going to hurt her, they all have to learn how do do things, and it is hard work getting them there

Thanks Bertie. I have been letting her try to do things first with lots of encouragement, she always starts of with 'x do it' and may eventually ask for 'mummy help' at which point I try to start her off or something and get her to finish. Any intervention beforehand results in screams so learnt long ago to let her get on with it.

Luckily she's never bit or hit, yet, just headbutts anything in sight. She has a nice collection of lumps, bumps and bruises!