can someone offer any help please...

[doineedhelp]

okay, bear with me...

i'm at my wits end with son (19months) and his tantrums / sheer meltdowns. We have not had the easiest time with him (he has a hole in his heart and is developmentally delayed so not crawling / walking or really bearing weight yet - but is bum shuffling)

Aside from these issues he has generally been a happy little boy who is very inquisitive etc. However for the last few months his tantrums have got progressively worse. I know this is normal for his age, i'm just at a loss as to how to deal with them. I've read up on it all - ignoring only sometimes works, distraction only sometimes works, what tends to happen is full on meltdown - screaming, thrashing legs etc and crying hysterically, even if i put him in his cot and leave him (because i'm getting stressed) he doesn't stop and i have to go back in and pick him up / calm him down. He cries if I or anyone else tells him no. I've read about how to deal with these but nothing seems to be working, although i'm sure he understands me most of the time, trying to tallk to him, reason with him when he is like this just doesn't work.

I hate to admit it but it is making me very angry with him :( i am stressed / worried about his health and development all the time and these tantrums on top of all just fill me with despair and frustration. I just want someone to tell me how to 'control' them...

Probably not explained it very well but hopefully someone will come along with some sage advice for me, i really do need it as i'm not coping very well at the moment

thanks

A few tips I picked here on mumsnet:
try to see if there's a general trigger. Is it frustration because of speech, does he just doesn't like being told NO, maybe there is too much negotiating and explaining.
It might happen more often when he is hungry/tired
try to have a few very very clear rules. Such as we don't jump throw toys, we don't hit, etc. and have clear consequences for these actions
lots of praise.
Too much talking and negotiating might be a problem as well, as it makes the rules a bit grey. It has to be black and white.
Try to prevent instead of acting once the tantrum has started.
Distraction only works at the very very beginning of the tantrum most of the time, if the child is 'gone' then it's difficult to distract.
One thing that is not in the books, just my experience, is that I offer a hug when then start calming down. I just ask 'would a hug make you feel better' and usually it helps to re-set things at the end of the tantrum. I tmight send the wrong message, I don't know, like you get attention if you have a tantrum, but with my children it has helped.